| Subject: This I Offer 16/20 |
Author:
Athena4
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Date Posted: 17:22:44 03/10/02 Sun
In reply to:
Athena4
's message, "This I Offer" on 14:58:36 03/03/02 Sun
Madeline could feel the hum of machinery through the wall. It was always there -- the metallic vibration of the air recycling system, the emotionless drone of the computers and gadgetry that made Section, even at this level, a hub of activity. It pulsed through her now, the panelling cool against her back, but somehow, it lacked its usual comfort.
For years the caverns below Paris had been a haven for her; a guarantee of comfort and a harbinger of simplicity. They had never failed to lull her into a consuming sleep.
Until now.
For days Paul had haunted her dreams. Paul and the mission that had brought them to this point. All the memories had come flooding back during her debrief: everything she’d pushed aside – everything she’d hoped to keep hidden. Her reaction to Paul’s death – her need to be close. The surprisingly tender touch of Ryker’s hands on her.
Leaning her head back, Madeline closed her eyes, letting her arms fall down along the wall, the cool metal sending shivers along her bare arms. It was so solid, so real.
Tears slipped silently past her closed eyelids, and she let them fall, the strength to lift her arms failing her. Instead, she sank to the floor, her head coming to rest on her knees, her hands flat against the slate of the floor. She needed to feel.
The cold was constant on her back now, Section pulsing harder against her skin, a living entity. Yet so cold.
She needed…
She could almost feel him. He caressed her bare arms with his hands, friction creating warmth. He spoke her name, his voice a whisper that echoed in the cavernous halls. He…
“Madeline…”
…was there.
Struggling to her feet, Madeline pulled away from his touch, running a shaking hand across her face to wipe away tears. Paul remained where she’d left him, standing to face her, his face awash with concern.
“Are you all right?”
Taking a shuddering breath, she ignored the question, turning instead to gaze on her surroundings. Somehow, her nocturnal wanderings had brought her to the corridor outside his quarters; her need for something solid had her leaning on the wall outside his door. In her daze, she hadn’t even noticed.
“I’m fine,” she lied, using her trembling hand to steady herself on the wall. The look on his face told her he didn’t believe her, but she pressed on, brushing the last of the tears from her eyes. “I had some trouble sleeping. The sounds in the corridors are calming.”
He tilted his head slightly, as if listening to the hum, then crossed his arms in front of him, his eyes meeting hers steadily. Questions flashed through her mind, and for a disconcerting moment, she actually thought he was asking them.
If she was calm, why was her heart beating so quickly? Why was she still fighting back tears? Why had the hollowness in her chest grown exponentially, instead of shrinking?
And for god’s sake, why was it that all she wanted was to feel his arms around her?
The sound of footfalls brought her back to reality, and she started, taking several steps backwards away from the approaching sounds. Before she knew what was happening, Paul had grasped her arm, pulling her across the corridor and into his quarters, his body pressed close to hers as the door slid shut behind them.
Madeline’s breath caught in her throat as he shifted against her, his own breath heavy in her ear. His body pinned her against the wall, his hands coming down to rest on her hips, his warmth radiating against her skin. It was inviting, intoxicating.
It was perfect.
Laying her forehead against his chest, she drew in a deep breath, ignoring the trembling of her hands as they slid around his back. She needed to feel, wanted his arms around her, craved the feel of his skin against hers.
It was agony.
His hands came around to stroke her back, pulling her close against him, and Madeline laid her head completely against his chest, feeling the beat of his heart against her cheek. As his arms tightened across her back, she knew what had drawn her to his door. It was more than her need to feel his touch, more than the revelation that she loved him. It was the sure knowledge that for once in her life, she was safe to feel – safe to need.
She no longer had to be alone.
“Madeline?” Paul’s voice was barely a whisper, his touch light across her back as he loosened his grip, using one hand to tip her chin up to meet his eyes. What she saw there dispelled all remnants of fear.
Taking his hand, she took a step sideways, turning him towards her so she could meet his gaze levelly. Her heart jumped into her throat as she met his eyes again, and she looked down at their joined hands, her thumb stroking idle circles in his palm. When she looked up again, his gaze was following her hand. “You have no idea the power you have over me,” she said gravely, and his eyes returned to hers. “…how much it terrifies me.”
“I think I have some idea,” he replied, just as seriously. Their hands had switched positions now, his fingers caressing her palm.
She merely nodded; the past few months had hardly been easy – for either of them. “When I thought you were dead…” She paused, trying to pull together her thoughts, to express them properly. “I was so completely alone…And for the first time in almost fifteen years I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to know that someone – you – would be waiting for me when I returned to Section. And when Martin confirmed…I needed someone, anyone to fill that hole.”
She paused again, and Paul remained silent, holding her hand tightly between both of his, his thumb moving in comforting strokes across the back of her hand. “Ryker filled that need, at least temporarily…but afterwards, I felt even more detached…And then…” Her eyes dropped to their hands, her chest constricting as tears welled up in her eyes.
“Then you discovered I was alive…” Paul completed her thought, lifting her chin back up so they were eye to eye.
“Yes,” she whispered. “I’d dreamt about it, at Ryker’s…coming back to find you alive. But the reality…I knew then how much you could hurt me, and everything else flew out the window. Nothing else mattered.”
“And now?”
“And now…us, what we are together…” she paused, raising her free hand to stroke his face. “I know I’m safe with you. That’s all that matters now.”
“You’re sure about this?”
An icy sliver of fear ran down Madeline’s spine. One word, and there would be no turning back. She couldn’t say it. “I – I’m afraid.”
“Of what, specifically?” Paul voice was soft, encouraging. He was unsure, but he wasn’t walking away.
“I want this. You know that, don’t you?” She sounded desperate. She knew it, and she cringed momentarily before meeting his eyes. But he merely nodded, his soft smile pushing her onwards. “I’m not sure I can do this…us… I’ve spent so long – “
He stopped her with a finger on her lips, a broad smile making his eyes glitter. “We’ll work on it,” he said, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “We’ve already come so far.”
She nodded, the sliver of fear becoming an almost non-existent blur. Ignoring the final remnants, she lay her head against Paul’s shoulder, letting herself be enfolded in his arms. It was several moments before she felt comfortable speaking, and even then her voice wavered slightly. “I think it would be best if I stayed here tonight,” she said lightly, stepping backwards so she could look into his eyes. “To make sure I don’t lose you again…”
“You won’t,” he smiled, stroking her face with his fingertips. Then, kissing her forehead gently, he pulled her back into his arms.
*****
Paul awoke on his couch with Madeline cradled in his arms. He held her tightly against him, feeling her chest rise and fall as she slept. They’d been exhausted the night before, the strains of the mission and of their confrontation taking their toll on both of them, but especially, he knew, on Madeline.
He’s never thought of himself as a patient man – but it seemed he’d wait an eternity for this woman. They’d taken baby steps from the moment they’d met, and last night, he hoped, they’d burned a bridge. She could no longer retreat, no longer deny she loved him. It was one big step forward, one that had required a Herculean struggle.
It was no wonder they’d both slept so soundly.
A shrill ring disturbed his thoughts, and he turned towards the clock on the far wall. 7 AM. Section was calling.
Shifting slightly, he reached for the phone on the coffee table, shaking Madeline gently awake as he spoke. “Hello?”
”Paul?” The voice on the other end spoke softly, as if trying to ensure that someone nearby couldn’t hear. ”It’s Martin. Is, uh, Madeline down there with you? I thought maybe… since she thought…and you’re not…and you two are…not that everyone knows…but Walter and I…I mean… umm, is she down there?”
Paul chuckled softly, signalling to Madeline that she should pick up the extension. “I’m here,” she said. ” What’s going on?”
”Adrian’s breathing fire,” Martin replied. ”Ryker’s not being co-operative. She wants you up here. She’s hoping your presence will shake him up a bit. And, we called … but… And now she’s pacing the Perch like a caged lion.”
“Why doesn’t she bring in the medics? Loosen him up a bit?” Madeline asked, picking up her shoes from where they lay abandoned on the floor.
”She doesn’t want to harm him more than she has to. Hopes to use him again.”
Paul watched the emotions play across Madeline’s face, and then, just as quickly, they became masked. “I see,” she said evenly. “I’ll be up in a few minutes. If she asks, I was taking a long shower, all right?”
”Yeah, okay, got it. Just hurry up, okay? I’m walking on nails up here.”
“I’m moving as fast as I can, Martin.”
Paul hung up his extension and caught Madeline’s arm as she moved to stand. She was already in business mode, her face betraying nothing of the emotions he knew she must be feeling. “Hey,” he said softly, pulling her back to face him. “You okay with this?”
Madeline smiled softly, lifting individual fingers to release his grip on her arm. “I’m fine,” she began, reaching down to grasp his chin in her hand. “This is what I’ve been trained to do.” She paused, placing a finger over his lips to keep him from interrupting her. “My personal involvement makes no difference. When I’m in that room, I’m focused. I’ll be fine.”
He watched her as she left his quarters, tying her hair into a rough knot as she went. She walked with confidence, as though she were made for the role she was about to play. Perhaps she was, or perhaps her history had led her to this point, but somehow, he didn’t think it was going to be as easy as she let on.
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