| Subject: The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove Part Ten |
Author:
Schnee
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Date Posted: 14:49:47 03/03/01 Sat
In reply to:
Schnee
's message, "The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove" on 14:10:08 03/03/01 Sat
Having gained access to the grounds, I view the German schloss from my vantage point behind a row of sculpted bushes. With some cash, a few flirtatious smiles, and a fake phone number, I’ve managed to trace Nikita and Jones here. The possibility I was fed false info remains, but I’m determined to follow every lead I have until I find for certain Nikita is not in danger.
In the time I have been watching, I have seen little activity outdoors, other than a guard patrolling the outer perimeter of the building. I deduce the schloss is equipped with sophisticated alarms, while the guard is more for appearances. Having avoided detection by the outer perimeter security system, I seek to get closer to get a crack at the interior alarms and surveillance. Once the guard is out of view, I will have six minutes until the guard rounds the other side. Just six minutes to disable the alarm and enter.
As he slips from my view, I begin to move from my crouched position. But an unexpected movement from the corner of the schloss where the guard disappeared causes me to stop, remaining hidden. I exhale a breath as I see the familiar shape of Nikita come into my view. She is here.
Her eyes scan the area. What is she looking for? Me? No, she cannot know I’m here, could she?
I watch as she slowly walks through the side garden. Her fingers push a hanging tree branch from her eye level. I sense this is not a leisurely stroll as I see intent in her eyes. I stay hidden as she moves closer to me.
Do I reveal myself? Can I trust her? Or have I fallen prey to a trap that she has set?
Uncertain, I remain unmoved, watching her carefully. A rustling noise catches her attention. I hear her breathe a sigh before muttering, “Just a squirrel.” Nikita’s face lightens with a smile as her blue eyes follow the scampering red creature.
As she nears my hiding spot, I quickly make my decision. Letting her pass me, I rise behind her grasping her arm behind her. Her body pulls against my grasp, as she twists to she her captor. My name lingers on her lips as I motion for her to stay silent. In order to remain hidden, I guide her to crouch down low. She turns to face me as I release her arm.
“I was concerned at your sudden departure from Monaco.” I state, feeling now that I may have worried needlessly.
Her face betrays a warm smile as she gently lays her hand on mine. “After our last conversation, I wouldn’t have expected you to seek me out. But I’m glad you did.”
Nikita’s palm moves up my arm stopping at my shoulder. Her thumb gently traces my jaw. I hold my breath uncertain of her motives. But soon the tension releases from my body as I find myself enraptured by my beautiful Valkyrie. Whether she intends to lead me to Valhalla or Hell, it matters no more. Whether her love is true or a lie, I remain bound to her.
She breathes, “It’s over. I owe you an explanation. The truth.”
My brow rises. I watch her expectantly as I say nothing. First I see a hint of sadness in her eyes. Then, her nervous habit reappears, as she bites her lip. Her seeming innocence rips through me, as I yearn to taste her lips pressed against mine. Somehow I keep the urge in check as I leave any movement up to her.
Nikita swallows hard, “But not here. We need to go.”
Her fingers slide through into my curling hair, as her pupils appear dilated. I grasp her hand, drawing it downward as I intertwine my fingers in hers.
“Where?” I ask, wondering if Nikita has a place in mind.
“Anywhere. Alone.” Nikita whispers, almost swallowing the second word with its urgency.
I nod as I have a location nearby in mind.
~~~~~
I stay behind Nikita, watching as she wanders within the interior of the deserted cottage, curiously eying all the details. I’m relieved to know that aspect of her personality is intact.
But now I’m growing impatient to know the truth since it has been dangled before me. What has changed in such a short time that is bringing her to offer the truth to me? Could it be some ploy or is she being sincere?
Taking a seat on the old sofa, I lean back, stretching the tension from my limbs. Before long Nikita ventures over and sits on the opposite end. She starts to wring her hands nervously. I study her silently as a few minutes pass. Finally she looks up at me with those pale blue eyes.
“Not sure where to start. I…”
“The beginning is usually a good place.” I reply, sensing hesitance but also sincerity. “Maybe you should start with when you started working for Centre.” And why?
“It was shortly after Jurgen’s death. I was away on leave. Feeling betrayed by you. Feeling like a pawn in some sick game. I received a phone call. At first I thought it was just another Section test. But the sporadic contacts continued. I was asked to observe Section. To evaluate their procedures. Their personnel. No other action was necessary on my part. Just observe and evaluate. In return, I would receive what I wanted the most. It seemed simple enough.” I sense the pain in Nikita’s voice.
Closing my eyes, I recall those events clearly. Seeing Nikita alive in Lyon brought me alive again. Then, our contact on the boat. A night of passion forever etched into my being. Lifting me from months of self-hatred. One night of possessing her body and soul was not enough for me. She became like a drug, soothing my pains, but addictive nonetheless. My euphoria at discovering her clouded my judgment. I brought her back in only to find myself forced to keep her at an arms length to protect us. Instead, I hurt her deeply as she was too naïve to understand my motives and actions. She saw it simply as another person who had claimed to love her that instead cast her aside after using her.
Additionally, I pushed her toward Jurgen for Section purposes. This only widened the rift and Jurgen was more than willing to take her from me. And becoming the Section pawn—my pawn—yet again shattered the fragile trust that had been forged. She relinquished her freedom for me and I rewarded her with a sense of betrayal and loneliness.
I quietly nod understanding just how vulnerable she was during that time. Swallowing hard Nikita continues,
“Still uncertain what my assignment meant or if I could trust it, I soon found myself enlisted by Operations. He detailed how I might be recruited by a woman named Adrian and that it was necessary to go along with her plans with some reservation in order not to raise her suspicions.”
Of course, this I came to know after the fact. Nikita had been my material but I was kept in the dark in regards to this assignment. But how does this fit in with her role in Centre?
“But before Adrian ever made contact I found myself caught between Madeline and Operations in regards to her husband, Charles Sand. We came in contact with Charles during the operation against Abel Goellner. Charles pulled me aside giving me instructions to contact Operations. He wanted in after 9 years of being out in the cold. Soon I learned Operations had been rerouting Charles communiqués and sinking them so that Madeline was unaware that Charles had been alive. As per Charles request, I made Madeline aware of the situation.”
“You put yourself in the middle. Not a healthy thing to do.”
“No. I finally had no choice but to follow the chain of command. Kill Charles Sand as per Operations orders. But then Madeline arrived on the scene and killed him herself. However, I did not realize this was only the beginning of my divided loyalties. The beginning of the lies and deceptions. Because within days, I was abducted by Adrian’s people and then the series of events unfolded that led to Adrian’s capture. A series of events that would change my life.”
I remember that time well. The hurt that penetrated through me knowing that Nikita would not trust me. Instead of seeing me as a friend and ally, she saw me as the cold section operative—the persona I had thrust at her to keep her at a safe distance. Despite orders from Operations to prove Nikita as Adrian’s accomplice, I was willing to do whatever was necessary to protect her. Section rules be damned. But without her cooperation my hands were tied and I could do nothing but confirm that she indeed was working with Adrian.
When I took her and Adrian into custody, I offered Nikita her freedom. I didn’t care what would be done to me in retribution. If I hadn’t brought Nikita back into Section—a place she found morally reprehensible, she would not have been facing cancellation for helping Adrian. I felt helpless when she refused my offer, leaving me no choice but to return her to Section for cancellation. It was only when her alliance with Operations was revealed, that I came to understand why she had refused my offer.
“Even knowing my assignment, I couldn’t help but believe in what Adrian explained to me. This was the woman who started it all. She created the Sections in cooperation with Oversight and Centre. What Section became under Operations was not the organization that she started. But when I was put in the difficult position of deciding the fate of Section and maybe the fate of the world, I felt overwhelmed. Dizzy with calculations and scenarios. It was too much for me to decide within seconds. So I stood down.”
“And so you instead you just spent another 2 years judging Section?” I ask, still trying to see how Adrian fits in with her work at Centre.
“I wish it were as simple as that.” Nikita replies.
~~~~~
Looking uncomfortable, Nikita moves from her position on the sofa and begins to pace about the room like a caged animal. Several times she begins to say something but changes her mind. I finally decide to approach her, brushing her elbow with my hand. She turns to face me on the verge of tears. I carefully blot a stray teardrop from her cheek with my fingers. The moisture glistens on her lashes as her eyes try to blink away the tears.
“You should run from me. As fast as you can. I’m not the woman you fell in love with. I’m….” Nikita’s voice cracks with strangled emotion.
“You’re what?” I ask gently brushing her hair with my fingertips.
“I’m lost. I’m empty.” Nikita struggles with her words. “I sought to bring morality back to Section and instead I…I lost my own in the process.”
“It happens to all of us at one time or another. We’re constantly defining and redefining who we are. Growing out of old ideas and growing into new ones. And with Section it becomes harder and harder to know what is the façade and what is real, even within ourselves.” I answer sensing the anguish in her voice.
I understand the feeling all too well. I long for her to continue so I can know the whole story and help her better. Being in the dark I can do little to soothe her fears.
Her body leans into mine seeking embrace and comfort. Her tears soak into my shirt as she buries her head against my chest sobbing. I trace my hand against her back in a soothing motion.
“You don’t understand. I let her do this to me.” She swallows.
“Who? You let who do this?” I ask puzzled by this remark.
“Madeline. She…she needed a way to keep Adrian alive. Operations ordered her cancellation. But Madeline convinced him to use her in a series of mind control experiments.”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. They swirled in my mind, twisting my perception. I lead her back to the sofa, needing a seat for myself.
“Madeline needed Adrian alive? Why?” My gut wrenches with apprehension of where this conversation is going.
Nikita pulls away, avoiding my eye contact by looking down at her hands on her lap.
“I didn’t know it at the time, but the move against Operations was made with Madeline’s cooperation. It was Madeline who hand picked me for Adrian to use as her inside person. It was safer that way, in case I were caught. That way Madeline’s role would not be exposed. But what she did not know was that Operations had also enlisted my help.”
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath as my mind tries to piece together what I know with what Nikita has revealed, trying to make sense of it all. What is it she let Madeline do? I slide closer to Nikita, grasping her hand in mine, intent to extract the whole truth. With my other hand I lift her chin to reinitiate eye contact.
“Let’s fast forward. To last year. When you were placed under mind control. You let her do that to you willingly?” I ask in disbelief, as my heart feels crushed under the weight.
“Well, no. Not exactly.” Nikita pauses. “I was asked to intensify our relationship in order to raise Operations paranoia. To distract him. I was not privy to what Madeline had in mind in terms of getting Adrian outside of Section.”
“So Madeline altered your mind, knowing I would do anything and everything necessary to get you back, including getting a frozen Adrian outside Section?” I ask incredulously.
“Yes.” Nikita barely breathes with a terrified look in her eyes.
“And you continued to cooperate with Madeline and Adrian after this transpired?” I ask hesitantly feeling nauseous, sickened by this nightmarish scenario.
“Yes.” Nikita barely squeaks out.
A lump rises in my throat as I feel the need to leave the room. I thrust her hand away from me, disgusted, as I rise from my seat. I glare at her, with my mouth agape unable to say anything. I see the fear etched in Nikita’s tear stained eyes just before I turn toward the front door.
~~~~~
Amidst my tears, I see the blurry figure of Michael walking out the door. As I hear the door shutting with a resounding thump, I feel my heart sink.
I’ve really screwed up. More than screwed up.
I’ve lost him.
But I couldn’t hold this inside any longer. I couldn’t live with the lies. Even if I hadn’t told him, I would know. I have known and it has been eating me from the inside leaving me hollow and empty.
My aching heart wants to run out the door after him, begging for his forgiveness. But another part of me feels I deserve this fate. I’ve betrayed his love and trust. I may not have known early on that he truly loved me. However, once he did open up, the emotions he expressed were deeper than anything I’d ever experienced. As much as I tried not to get re-involved with him, I couldn’t help myself. When he held me in his arms, loving me, everything else was inconsequential.
The tears begin to brim again as I think of how much he risked to be with me. How he chose me over the future leadership of Section. If it weren’t for me, he may have eventually moved into Operations position. Michael could have changed Section. He is a man that operatives could respect and revere. His ruling of Section would have been just. Instead of improving Section’s future, I stole its brightest star and greatest hope.
I took from Michael everything that mattered to him. His love. His purpose.
I tried to justify my actions by giving Michael his freedom. But it wasn’t freedom on his terms.
Sobbing, I wipe the tears with the back of my hand. I wander to the bathroom, hoping to rid myself of these wretched tears. If I can manage to stop them.
Rusty water trickles from the tap as I turn the knob. As it runs longer, the color turns clearer. With my hands I lift the water to my face, rinsing the tears. But my guilt remains. I stare at myself in the mirror, seeing an image I find revolting. It’s not the running make-up or the mussed hair I see, but the hollow person within. Self-hatred and anger rises within me.
Slamming my fist against my reflection, the glass shatters, falling in sharp pieces. The few remaining pieces reflect shards of my image. Broken.
I lift a large wedge of glass, eyeing it curiously. It certainly is sharp enough. It would be so easy. And quick.
I grip the wedge tighter as I close my eyes, prepared to end it all. But something inside me screams, piercing my resolve.
No. Death is easy. It’s living that is the challenge.
Was it Walter who said that once? Michael?
My hand releases its grip, letting the glass slip to the floor.
No, I said it. To Birkoff. Death's easy. You don't have to do anything. It's life you have to face.
The tears start running again. What would Birkoff think of my actions? He always looked up to me. He saw me as one of the good guys. It pains me to think of how he would have reacted to my role in evaluating Section.
The boy who spent his entire life in Section had the inner strength to sacrifice himself to save Section, while I was the shortsighted one who destroyed any good that could come out of it.
Looking down at my hands, I see blood covering the palm of my right hand. I slowly realize it is from gripping the glass just moments earlier. I rinse the blood from my skin before rushing to find something to bind my hand.
Eyeing the tattered curtains in the bedroom, I tear a long strip suitable in size to wrap around my hand several times. After tying a knot, I grip my hand tightly placing pressure on the cut.
Looking toward the bed, I become conscious of my weariness. Sitting on the edge, I kick off my shoes, stretching my toes. Pulling the bedspread up, I find the pillows underneath are suitable enough for a nap.
I may not know where I go from here, but some sleep may help my perspective.
I’m still alive, for whatever that’s worth.
~~~~
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