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Subject: Help Me Parent My Student-Athlete Author: An Observer [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 09:45:27 03/13/25 Thu Yes, I'm trying to crowd source parenting skills. In the immortal words of Matt Hooper to Quint after their boat lost its engine and the shark was circling, "You got any better ideas?" Last night, I had one of the moments when I knew that I would have to step up to my A game as a father. It was go time. Last year as a freshman, my daughter played JV soccer for her high school team. Her goal for this season was to make the varsity. She was one of the better players on the JV a year ago, but not the best. Six seniors were graduating from the varsity and she had done the math. Tryouts were going well and she was optimistic about her chances. When I got the news that she was relegated to the JV for another year, I immediately FaceTimed my daughter. Her eyes were red from crying. Her teeth and lips were all dark blue from I hope binge-eating Italian ice or popsicles. She was a mess. Two sophomores and one freshman had made the varsity. She was probably one of the First Two Out, in bubble-speak. We had a long talk and went over the consolation advantages of playing JV for another year: o she'll be a starter o she'll get to play her preferred position, center midfielder o way more playing time (would definitely ride the pine on varsity, obviously) o will score goals and assists o bigger fish, smaller pond o get better for her junior and senior years o get to keep her current jersey number, which she chose because I had casually said months before that I liked single digit uniform numbers (My daughter never told me how she selected her number. My wife told me after the fact. I can't tell you how happy that made me.) She seemed to be able to internalize those advantages of playing JV. I discussed some of the crushing setbacks in my own life which ultimately led to good things, all of which my wife later told me are stories that I've told before. God, it hurts to see your child hurt like that. I realize that this is not a medical challenge, an accident or losing a relative, but I think how my wife and I handle this situation will be remembered for a long time, so I'm taking it very very seriously. A bad fumble now is the kind of thing that kids tell their therapists at age 40. Does anybody have any fatherly advice to pass along? [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: I think you nailed the big points Author: Go Green [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10:08:45 03/13/25 Thu A coach who has been around basketball his entire life (his father's name is on the court of a D-I team that has won a lot of games in the past generation) told me that there's something to be said for "playing down." That's how you learn to become "the guy" (work with me here) on a team and how to carry the team on your shoulders. It's a mindset that's hard to learn if you're a cog on a team. The only possible point that you might have missed is whether her best friends are on the JV or if they got promoted. There's nothing better than playing ball with your best buddies. Then again, it probably does suck a bit if your best buddies got promoted and you didn't... In any event, good luck to her!! Please let us know how it goes!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: Re: I think you nailed the big points Author: An Observer [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10:19:43 03/13/25 Thu Jeez, GG, you really came through here. You're absolutely right about both points. My daughter does have sports ambitions which exceed her ability. She would in fact benefit from a situation where she can practice being "the man." And, yes! Her best friend in soccer also was relegated to the JV. I will pass along both of your points tonight, very casually as if I had thought of them myself. Thank you very much. To me, this is the most important post I have ever read on this board. I am very grateful. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: Happy to help! Author: Go Green [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 12:49:42 03/13/25 Thu Again, good luck to your daughter! Please keep us posted! (And to ensure that the post doesn't get deleted, say something along the lines that she or her classmates are hoping to be recruited by Ivy teams!). :) [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Happy to help! Author: An Observer [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 13:39:43 03/13/25 Thu Well, if she's struggling to make her high school varsity, I'm not going to be cutting recruiting videos to send to Division I coaches just yet. *BUT* one of her teammates is definitely going to be playing in college someday, maybe even at a member of the Ivy League athletic conference, composed of Brown University, Columbia University, Cornell University, Dartmouth College, Harvard University, the University of Pennsylvania, Princeton University and Yale University. This girl mentioned above you could tell when I coached her in first and second grade was going to be special. (I have a friend who produced with his wife three superstar athletes, whose names are all over the Ivy League record books. Two of them won the athlete of the year in their graduating classes. My friend has always said, "If you can't tell that a kid is truly special athletically by the time she is 13, she's not a Division I recruit.) The more that I think about your first point, the more right I think you are. One bad habit that my wife and I are often guilty of is thinking of our child as distinct from the team. I don't know how many times we've said, "The team lost, but you played well." Guess what? This year, that stops. The hidden blessing from playing on JV is that this team *WILL* be the responsibility of her and a small number of the better sophomores. They will win or lose based upon how well she plays. There will be much less distinction between her personal play and the team's success. I think that you hit the nail on the head. When you're a freshman, it's very hard to be "the man" on any high school team. Next year as a junior, if she makes the varsity, she'll appropriately defer to the seniors because she's not a superstar. This sophomore season is her time to practice being "the man" in preparation, in practice, and in games. And the first step in being "the man" is thinking that you SHOULD be "the man." This season on the JV is her time to do that. Great post, GG. The best ever on this board. I'm going to give her a GG pep talk tonight. Plus, I will mention to her that Michael Jordan also was cut from his high school varsity. He went home and told his father that he was quitting basketball and his father James said, "Excellent. Every day you can come home early and help me work." And that is how the second greatest basketball career of all time was launched. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Happy to help! Author: KC [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 14:13:04 03/13/25 Thu I have three teenagers, all of whom have experienced sports- and life-related ups and downs, so I completely understand your angst. My only build on what you and GG have already said is that while the world definitely needs some people who see themselves as "the man," we need far more people who are comfortable being "one of the men" and whose confidence and sense of worth don't heavily depend on external recognition... people who see themselves as an important part of the universe, but not the center of the universe. This is a lot to ask of a person as young as your daughter, especially in our culture, but IMOH, starting to develop this mindset now will help her thrive throughout her life, which like everyone else's will be filled with highs and lows. I hope that down the road, your daughter looks back on her experience on JV and says to herself "playing on JV made me a better player, leader, and teammate." [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Help Me Parent My Student-Athlete Author: Lurker [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 15:21:56 03/13/25 Thu 2 tidbits: Is soccer fun? Joy is so often left out of youth/scholastic sports. This is related to the playing time point. If you enjoy playing the sport just resolve to do exactly that It is hard the hs players to truly understand that this year’s pecking order is not going to be the same for the duration. So many examples of athletes developing at different rates Best of luck. I am officially retired as a sports dad (albeit went out rooting on an Ivy championship) and already miss it. Btw to all sports parents dont forget about your Joy either. Cant believe how many make themselves miserable about coaches, refs, whatever. Enjoy watching, even the really great athletes from competitors [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: GG is a real treasure for each of us on this forum. Author: Valmas (Stoic) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 16:33:09 03/13/25 Thu The guy can be relentlessly anal, but who loves Dartmouth, football and all sports, in as pure /a little boy a manner, as GG does?!?! That's why we ought to start a collective in his name - a name which I'll only divulge in immediate response to a seven-figure contribution to the collective! And we need to get this established soon; before we lose GG to Ivy chat, where Dartmouth representation is sorely lacking. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Help Me Parent My Student-Athlete Author: RockHead [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 21:50:39 03/25/25 Tue As "An Observer" already mentiond above, tell her the Michael Jordan story. As a sophomore in high school he did not make the varsity and had to play JV. You can find many retellings of this story online. I'm sure you can figure out how to spin it for your daughter. P.S. Jordan was still pissed off about not making the HS team years later. I believe he brought the kid who beat him out and the coach who cut him to his NBA Hall of Fame induction. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> Subject: And how are things going, AO? Author: Go Green [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 06:10:08 03/26/25 Wed Has your daughter's soccer season started yet? [ Post a Reply to This Message ]