Re: My apologies -- Arizona Atheist Meetup

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Date Posted: 08:25:43 09/05/03 Fri
Author: Michelle
Subject: Re: My apologies
In reply to: Michelle 's message, "My apologies" on 08:17:12 09/05/03 Fri

Hand Surgeons Are Evil People

I'm learning so much since surgery...

Ice cold soda cans feel good to hold with two hands. However opening a can of soda can bring tears to one's eyes.

The pooch covered in soda is proof positive tippy cups have a place in every home.

Pain medications for hand surgery come in childproof containers.

The word "child" in "childproof" is misleading.

The first person to invent pre-opened fizzy soda, *or*
pre-opened "anything" that is round and requires turning...will be a very wealthy person.

Praying to the Christian God for the car door to open by repeating "openith openith openith" is a waste of time.

"Open Seseme" doesn't work either and I am here to tell you that it is quite impossible to move objects using one's mind.

Opening the car door doesn't really seem bad at all after trying to pull it shut. Personally I find one should drive with the car door open, it saves time when arriving at one's destination.

Sneak a peek at your medical file the next time you visit your hand surgeon. You will find the word "Sucker" written repeatedly next to your name.

People are actually very kind when they see a person with both hands bandaged and in hand braces. For example:

The elderly homeless gentleman outside the drug store holding a sign saying: "Please Help" will offer to give you his sign.

Banks seem to be under the impression that a signature should look the same. Every time.

Thinking fast is necessary at the most unexpected moments. Police officers are people with curious minds and many questions. It is challenging to explain to the nice policeman why it is difficult to push multiple buttons to obtain money from an ATM yet driving a car poses no problem. Really.

Police officers do not believe it is their job to dig through a full purse to look for a driver license.

Just because he is a policeman does not mean he is a nice person.

Food delivery holds an entirely new perspective. Having a pizza delivered is actually ordering groceries that are already put together. It's just that the onions are about $32.00/pound.

Whoever created the 'backspace' key should be shot. It shouldn't be a pinky key.

"Hand brace" and "Restraint" share exactly the same definition.

Hand braces make fantastic chew toys for dogs. My dog has two of them.

Pizza delivery people do not deliver milk.

There is more than one way to unhook and remove one's bra. Think "scissors".

It is a well known medical fact that hand surgery causes your bladder to hold less fluid thus requiring more trips to the bathroom.

Surprisingly enough, your forehead is NOT a good tool for pushing the "Diet Coke" button. However when you have no choice and you are topping off your fizzy soda using your forehead, when people look at you funny just look exasperated and say, "My Mother is in town."

Silverware, writing instruments, buttons, keys and locks are nothing more than Satan's tools.

Channel surfing with a remote control is not an enjoyable experience however Seseme Street is very educational.

All adults should know the words to the "Barney" song.

Any container of liquid containing more than two ounces requires two hands to hold. More than four ounces... who needs that much fluid anyway?

Speaking of fluids, it is very possible to go for extended periods of time without using the bathroom, even with a smaller bladder. Saving it for later is simply another time saver.

The kid who will tie a string around a fly with no wings and twirl it in the air will grow up to be a hand surgeon.

Hand surgeons are evil people in scrubs. There is a reason why they wear a mask during surgery and it has nothing to do with germs.

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