July 11, 1999 -- A Journal

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Date Posted: 12:29:04 07/19/99 Mon
Author: Anonymous
Subject: July 11, 1999

I am torn......... I want to soar away, escape this reality, see what else there is in store, or just leave every person I know, and go off to a deserted Island and sleep forever, succumb to the other side........... But I can not leave you behind, I love you to much, but there is 'no one' else who I would not leave in a seconds notice, I have an urge just to leave, get on a one way ride to the Dark Side of the Moon, but I can not bear the thought of losing you,
I want to be with you forever, with you by my side wherever I go, but I also want to step out of my shoes and walk w/out an identity, without anyone knowing me and having no past or anything like that, no one that may know me, and chill for a few years, until people start to realize I am there, I want to be invisible, hide beneath the shadows, crawl under a car, and lay until it drives off, scurry to the forest in the deepest depths and stay until death threatens me, but that could be decades, or never.... I don't think we die, completly, I follow the Reincarnation principles, I think I have done a good job here, perhaps life will be better in the next, with out the constant plaguing in my mind that some in our world is fucked up, that we have no choice but to become coorporate slaves or run and hide from the monster, and I will hide in this life, I must, Or my time will be limited. I must let my thoughts flow tho, I really don't know If I will send this to you or not, but i had to type it either way, I wanna be free

It isn't the stress, I had a most stress free day today, simple work w/ the computer, easy nothing to do.. In the hands of the friendliest people etc etc...
Yet it caught up with me, like a cougar in the night, and devoured my soul, leaving only my mind to flow in an odd manner, eyes flickering and unfocusing, and the shivers of course, when do they ever leave, I want to fly into a surreal world at this point, I can just float out of my mind, reflexes are really slow.....

It isn't drugs, I haven't had any for enough time and this occured before, another oddity, last night I had a cup of vodka, yet I have many reasons as to think why that is ot connected in the slightest.... For one, it was a small amount.... I just want to let go, to break, to let this feeling take over and control, only I don't know how to let it take me the next step, it just sends pulses down my arms and legs, little shivers, as though some one was petting my spinal cord very softly, yet whose to know.... How long this 'trip' will last whose to tell, but it started mid-late afternoon (4ish no earlier I think, we were coming back fro comp usa, hmm, I don't know,
Oh well I don't care enough....
So much for our cosmic souls, what is a human, there is so much that is not understood, emotions un described (Or I have yet to heard them) and then emotions that can't be real, exagerations, under estimations, misunderstandings....
Go on home,
But where? I need to escape, if I only knew how,.
Nothing is free on earth, we are trapped in our bodies, I can 'completly' succeed in breaking free, except thru death.....

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