(Chapter Thirty Six) -- The Shack Forums

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Scotty was quick to go back to dead silence after saying the words out loud, and after he ran out pages in Artie's notebook that he had brought over to Jesse's house, he nervously thumbed his way back to the middle and start looking through some of the pages again. I mean, it was totally clear to me that he was just trying to avoid talking about it anymore, and I really really didn't want to push him...but, this was such a golden opportunity for him, you know? Despite all of the frustrating maneuvers that I've had to put myself through in order to avoid Scotty's desperate hunt for a weapon strong enough to pry my heart open wide enough for him to burrow in like some sort of a stubborn tick...I can't really say that he's a bad guy. He's not. He never has been.

A royal pain in the ass on occasion...but far from being a pest to the point of wanting to hurt his feelings or anything.

I wasn't that much of an asshole to him this whole time, was I? I didn't mean to be. I guess I had a bunch of my own shit to deal with Jason Fixx and being along and just having him be slightly too young for me. But there were always this moments of honesty like this where I just...I really felt like I could see his humanity, you know? And I feel a pinch of shame for the way I've treated him in the past.

"You know...you guys might end up being really good friends at some point, if you gave it a shot." I said. "Artie is super easy to get along with. He's a lot of fun to be around. I already think that he's awesome, and I haven't even really known him for that long." Scotty didn't say anything. He just kept his head down, looking at pages that he had already seen before, sort of running his fingers over the grooves that Artie made with his pencils or pens on every drawing. "Wouldn't you like to maybe...get to know each other a little better?"

Trying to back off a bit and lighten the mood, I said, "Heh, well...there you go. So knowing him better than 'hardly at all' should pretty much be a breeze for you, right?"

I was hoping that it might at least get me a bit of a pity laugh or something from him, but instead he suddenly closed up Artie's notebook and turned to give me a look that almost looked as if he was trying to hide the hurt from me...but still wanted me to notice. "Why is this such a big deal for you?" He asked.

Now feeling bad for maybe pushing too hard, I said, "A big deal? It's not a big deal. I just thought...you know...maybe when I come way out here to hang out with my friends, I can take you with me. And we can all have fun together and stuff..."

"I don't see you telling me about how cool and awesome Jesse is, and how I should get to know him better." He said, looking away from me again.

"Well, he is. Jesse's super cool too. It just looked like you and Artie had some stuff in common, you know? I figured that's just a good a place to start as any, as long as we're all..."

He seemed as though he was suddenly being shadowed by this looming storm cloud that was slowly moving right over his head, and I knew at that moment that I would only be sinking myself even further into this emotional quicksand if I didn't leave it alone. Maybe I was overstepping my bounds a bit, or expecting this to just click together like a pair of compatible Lego pieces without really thinking about how he might ultimately feel about me just shrugging his affections for me off onto the shoulders of somebody else without warning. I don't know how this kind of thing works, you know? Maybe I shouldn't pretend to.

This might just be a conversation that would be better put off for a better time.

Scotty's confidence was shrinking right in front of my very eyes, and it was almost like I could see some of the heartbreak and insecurity that I once felt after that stupid Jason Fixx situation that I was in being reflected in his whole demeanor. I remember that feeling. Deeply. Realizing that you've been 'used'...and like you could so easily tossed aside at the first sign of trouble, your scarred and battered heart, be damned. I remember what it was like to give your heart to someone who wasn't worthy of it...and being way too scared to ever try again.

I don't want to hold that place in Scotty's memory. He has soooo much love to give. It's mind-blowing to think about sometimes. He deserves his prince in shining armor. The only question now is...should I help him achieve that goal...?

It was only a moment later when I heard the sounds of Jesse and Artie coming back towards the bedroom, and when they stepped in, they both looked as defeated and disillusioned as I assume that Scotty and I did. Ok so...maybe we rushed things a little bit. I'm not saying that it's a total failure or anything, but there seems to be a lot of other working parts to this supposed well oiled machine that we had anticipated. I just kind of assumed that Artie's natural charm and charisma would flow out of him like it always did whenever he was in the presence of another cute boy. And I sort of figured that Scotty would take one look at this blue eyed sweetheart and immediately dive right in like, 'Tristan who???' But to say that things like this work that fast and as easily in real life is overly optimistic would be an understatement. It wasn't for me and Jesse. Why would it be for anybody else? You know?

Ok...so, rule number one...slow down a little bit. We can't just mate them like a couple of purebred puppies for goodness sake! But maybe if we get them to spend some more time together, they can work the rest out on their own. You know...without our interference? Jesse and I barely have things figured out for ourselves yet, much less anybody else.

Exchanging a few silent glances between one another, Jesse and I sort of gave each other the message that taking a few steps back and trying to make this whole gathering between the four of us as normal and pressure-free as humanly possible would probably be the best play here.

"So, uhhhh...Artie has some really cool ideas that we can do right here in the house for the next video." Jesse said, hoping for some of the tension to break up. Ugh! Artie was taking little infatuated peeks at Scotty, and Scotty was being too stubborn to let anyone catch him taking a few peeks back at him, clamming up and building a shield around himself instead of displaying that bright and bubbly, infectious, persona that I was so used to seeing every time he ran over to greet me whenever I came home from school.

"Oh...ok." I replied, trying to give him a much needed assist in trying to get our previous vibe back. "What did you guys have in mind?"

"Well, I sent Jimmy Jukebox an email to see if he'd be interested in maybe jumping in for a quick cameo. He's really bumping up our numbers by a lot, almost on a daily basis now." That's Jesse went to his laptop and turned the screen around to show me. "Look at this! That's crazy, right? Our last video that Jimmy mentioned on his channel as one of his favorites...it got, like, just over 214,000 views!"

"Omigod! Are you serious??? Whoah!" I said, looking over his shoulder to see the numbers clearly. Both Artie and Scotty were still oddly silent, but we were sure that they'd jump back into the conversation when they felt like being a bit more social.

"Yeah! That's insane, right?" He scrolled down a bit more on the screen, and he said, "We got SEVEN comments!!! All positive, too! I think a bunch of the other videos are getting more hits too!"

"Seven thousand comments??? How can you possibly read all of those?" I asked as my jaw dropped. But Jesse just snickered.

"Oh! Hehehe, well I don't really know how Youtube and websites and stuff like that works." I looked at the compliments, and they were really touching. That was cool. But I had to ask, "Where are the rest?"

"The comments. What happened to the other 213,993 thousand comments? Hehehe, they didn't say anything? Like...did they watch or enjoy it or...?"

Jesse blushed a little bit. "Well, we're not that far along yet. I mean, right now...getting any views at all is big accomplishment. And if they like it enough to click a 'like' button? That's MAJOR! Because it lets us know that they didn't just watch our videos...but they liked them enough to be like, 'Hey, thanks, dude!' That takes years and years of hard work and creativity, though. So we're not that special yet, but we got some likes along the way. And that's super cool. But a comment???" Jesse said, that bright smile of his warming my heart as his cute little butt wiggled in his seat. "An actual, like, written COMMENT, that means that somebody took a few seconds out of their day to actually talk to us and say something nice to keep us going, and that they want to see more. Trust me...that's RARE these days, dude! We never get more than one or two, tops. You're a full blown celebrity if anybody appreciates you on THAT level! And if you can manage to get them to surrender into actually subscribing to your channel after that? That's like the Holy Grail of all entertainment!" He beamed. "So, now that we've got some help from Jimmy Jukebox...we might start getting as much as TEN comments per video! Hell, maybe even TWENTY, someday! Hehehe! Can you imagine?"

It brought my heart so much joy to see Jesse so happy over his accomplishments. I know how hard he and Artie works on their videos, and the reward of being noticed for it just seemed to radiate from him to the point where he was practically glowing with self respect. Hehehe, it was so cute.

"Well...I'll get ya closer to ten when I get home tonight. I'll put a comment down for you." I said. "No idea what to say...but I'll make something up."

"Of course. No problem." And I looked over my shoulder. "What about you, Scotty? Jesse's stepping his game up. You wanna leave a comment too?"

"There you go. You're already at nine comments. One more, and you'll be a certified 'online celebrity'. Hehehe! Just don't forget what we did to help you get there. We...ummm...well we didn't do all that much. But we helped!"

"No! Dude! You have no idea! I love it! Between you and Scotty and Jimmy Jukebox...we'll be skyrocketing in no time. Imagine if I could be one of those guys who just gets to make videos for a living and retire by the time I'm twenty five! That would be so crazy to me! It would be worth all the hard work and frustration. Copyright strikes and all. We could all get a house together, make videos, hang out, play video games on a 200 inch color 4HD TV all night long? That would be heaven!"

"Well...I doubt that we could help you get to that level of online fame and notoriety, hehehe! But I promise that we'll both do our very best to, at least, get you started and pointed in the right direction. I mean, why not, right? I could do with you being independently wealthy and benefiting by getting a new 'Jesse-101' video every day of the week like some of these other talentless hacks online put out who just get subscribers for being cute and taking off their shirt to dance for ten second videos. Consider it me being selfish for more personal content to keep me giggling and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. The more I get to see from you guys, the better. Am I right?"

Jesse and I were smiling warmly at one another for a moment, chatting away as we went through a bunch of his notes...half of them scratched out on his page...but as we became aware of the almost deafening silence in the room surrounding us, we looked away from Jesse's laptop screen to see a couple of very shy, very disheartened, boys sitting on opposite sides of the bed....backs turned to each other...and looking down at the floor as Jesse and I realized that we had gotten lost in our own little world again while their most insecure thoughts were imprisoning them in a virtual Hell of their own making. And it didn't really seem all that fair to us. You know?

I was trying really hard to come up with some kind of an idea that might be able to get them to just...talk to one another and loosen up a little bit. Jesus! How HARD is this? Why are they so friggin' AFRAID to speak up and say something? I know that things can be a bit awkward at first when it comes to meeting someone for the very first time, especially someone that you're highly attracted to...but can they at least try? Is it really THAT uncomfortable??? Come on, you guys! TALK! It might feel a little awkward, but it's only because they've never done it before. Well...here's your chance to get some practice. So take advantage of the opportunity.

And here I was thinking that *I* was psychotic for being so terrified of Jesse before we started dating. Had anybody been watching...they would have been pulling their hair out by the handful, screaming about what a gutless COWARD I was for taking so long! And maybe my approach was a bit frustrating for some...but at least I kept at it and trying to take the baby steps forward that I needed to take to finally speak my mind. Here...all of the hard work has already been done to get Scotty and Artie together in a safe environment for them to say something and take a shot at maybe pursuing something special...and they freeze up like a couple of goldfish in a Winter pond.

Ohhhh...I see. NOW it's not so easy to just 'go for it', is it? The whole Devil May Care attitude gets tossed right out of the window when it's YOUR heart on the line. Hehehe, hypocrisy is real!

Well, they've got an opportunity to speak up and tell the world how they feel. Will they do it? Or will they swallow it and keep it all to themselves? I had to wrestle with it. Maybe it's their turn now.

Attempting to give Artie and Scotty some space and time to grow on one another to maybe strike up another conversation all on their own without our interference, Jesse went back to his notebook to ask me about some more of his video ideas, and I just tried to follow suit so I didn't become a total nuisance to the potential connection going on behind us.

"Ok, so...I tried to figure out some tricks with an AfterEffects program online, but even after watching a bunch of Youtube video tutorials on how to use them, it still seems a little complicated to me. Editing stuff is more my talent, but creating logos and intro pages and stuff...not even Artie can figure those out. And he's much better at this stuff than I am." Jesse said. "I was thinking that we could maybe make a new 'Jesse-101' opener, and Artie could draw it for us, and we could find some music to go with it? That would be cool, right? And then add a big '2000 Subscriber' thingy? Like an explosion or something? Pshhhhkkkk!!! Thanks for subscribing!"

"Total cringe. Trust me." I told him. "But a new logo might be cool. Just something a bit more updated, you know?"

"If you say so." Jesse replied softly. "I still like the explosion idea, though." He took his pen to cross it out of his long list of fresh, creative, ideas, and was getting ready to turn the page when I saw something at the bottom of his notes. Something else that was also crossed out. I put my hand down to keep him from moving on and smiled at him. "What?"

Jesse blushed immediately. A deep blush that made me wiggle joyfully from the sweet feeling that it inspired within me. It was a simple note with a single line drawn through it...

~~- Introduce Tristan as my boyfriend, and share my first online kiss with him!~~

"Let's not just 'move on'. Dude, was this a real idea that you had for your big celebration video?" I teased.

"I...well, I mean...originally. Sure. But I didn't know about...you know...?" He didn't turn his head, but he sort of directed his eyes back towards Scotty, still sitting behind us with his head down, sort of sulking to himself while Artie seemed to be taking the blame for it all. I guess I had forgotten about that part of the equation. I was starting to think that it was a mistake bringing him here like this. I could have been kissing THE 'Jesse-101' online for the whole world to see! Or...well...at least for two thousand of them. And there was a part of me that was really flattered and extremely excited to have a moment like that captured as a truly special moment in time for the both of us. And yet...I think it would have seriously broken Scotty's little heart to see that, now that I know that he's watching their channel and that he's a fan. And what if the people I go to school with are watching? I'd love to show it to Lori and Michelle, who I'm sure would scream until their vocal chords burst over how cute it would be to finally see me happy...but what if something like that went viral and my MOM ended up seeing it too? That's going to make for a lot of truly cringe worthy discussions that...I don't know...I don't know if I'm ready to talk to her about just yet. I mean, I'm trying, and I've sort of opened the door to us being able to have a mature dialogue about me liking boys and her willingness to support me in that...but I'm still quite a few hopscotch maneuvers away from having her watch me make out with a hot blond boy online with everybody in town watching us like it's some kind of peepshow.

I found myself slightly conflicted...but a big part of me was really feeling like, "Fuck it! Why not?" Hehehe, I'd totally be down for that if Jesse wanted to add it back to the list.

Suddenly, Artie stood up from the bed, and he just...left the room. A sad look on his face.

Both of them were so hard to read, you know? I couldn't tell if they liked each other too much, or not at all. What was going on here? Can this be fixed? Or is it better to simply abandon ship? Ugh! I am SO fucking confused right now!