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What’s the point of trying to come up with something to say when it seems so pointless to do so? You know? I mean...I’m trying...and it’s pretty rad that Randy would go out of his way to walk me to lunch and try to put a smile on my face...but not even Randy’s super pretty face was going to be enough to get me to feel good about any of this stuff. Not even a little bit.
The more I think about it, the more it aches on the inside. And, I don’t know...I think I just want to run away for a little while. Because if none of this is real, if it’s all in my head and it still hurts this much...then how am I going to be able to even breathe or stay standing if any of it turns out to be true?
I can’t handle something like that. I’d rather fall into a super deep pit than have to walk around thinking that my Tyler could ever be touched by somebody else. Especially if it’s somebody better than me.
Sooooo much better than me...
As we were walking towards the cafeteria, Randy kept turning his head to face me...trying to get me to look back at him. Normally, it would have worked. He has the kindest, most inviting, face, you know? There was a time when getting a chance to see it more often and up close like this would have sent chilly wiggles all through me until I couldn’t take it anymore and was forced to find a reason to run off somewhere before my weak knees and jittery stomach caused me to collapse. There’s a part of me that feels like that was forever ago...and another part of me that makes me feel like it was just yesterday. Sometimes it’s hard to know which was which.
But...today wasn’t the same. And I just felt like I shouldn’t be here. In fact, I almost wanted to vanish because I almost felt as though I didn’t want to be anywhere. If that makes any sense. I was just getting all the wrong chills today, I guess.
We both got our trays for our food, and thank goodness for my automatic responses to everything around me because I highly doubt that I’d be able to concentrate much on getting my hands to move on my own. Knowing me, I prolly would have spilled my entire tray on the biggest bully in the lunchline and gotten myself beaten up. See? It’s when my brain gets all clogged up like this that I end up having one of my little ‘accidents’. Tyler used to be my only saving grace from dumb stuff like that….but now he’s a part of it. And it made me want to cry. I had to seriously hold my breath and just blankly stare down at my empty tray to keep my tears at bay. It felt like my stomach was heaving anyway, though...despite it all.
The lunch lady gave me some kind of meat. I think it was supposed to be a flat patty of meatloaf or something. It was hard to tell. It had some kind of sauce on it though, and if it had been a dead squirrel or something, at least the school bothered enough to chop off the head and tail to keep me from recognizing it. “Is that all you want?” She asked me.
“Ummm, can I have some mac and cheese too, please?” I mumbled back, and was rewarded with a decent sized spoonful. “Do you have any chocolate milk?”
“Sorry, hon. We’re fresh out for the day.”
“That’s ok...” I sulked. “I don’t need it.” Geez...I can’t even get my chocolate milk today. I always get chocolate milk. Sometimes...Tyler grabs one for me if he sees the selection getting puny. I guess he’s late today, though.
“You know...when Tyler gets here, he’s gonna be super jazzed to see you again. I mean, it’s not quite Spring Break, but I’m sure it’ll put a smile on his face. It always does.” Randy said. I almost felt bad for having him waste his good nature on me. He’s just trying to help, and here I am making things more difficult for him.
“Yeah. Maybe. Who knows?” I said. But I couldn’t come up with anything else to add to that because my heart wasn’t in it today.
Randy tried to coax a smile out of me. “I know that they’ve probably taken down everything from the carnival already...but maybe you and Tyler wanna go out and catch a movie with us this weekend. Nothing too scary for ya, I promise! Hehehe!”
“I don’t know. Tyler might not want to go.” I said softly.
“What? That’s crazy talk, dude.” He grinned. “If you go, I’m pretty sure that he’s going to follow along. The more, the merrier, right?”
“I s’pose.” I shrugged, still feeling the bite of these tormented feelings gnawing at me until my whole body was sore. “I don’t know.”
He was quickly catching on to the fact that something had become seriously wounded in me, and he kept asking questions about it, or at least trying to keep my mind off of it...but it wasn’t working. In fact, I started to get really nervous about seeing Tyler at all right now. I don’t want to get all weird and squishy again...putting it off until later while doing my best to convince myself that there wasn’t something seriously off balance here. I mean...it might hurt, sure...but how would that be much different from what I feel right now?
Randy kept trying to be a good friend about it all, and I finally told him, “Tyler’s soooo beautiful, Randy. He really is.” I mean, it was the honest truth, right? He was my everything. He was my proof that angels exist. But then...I figured...as long as I was telling the truth and still had these goofy wiggles in my gut, I said, “But I don’t know if I want to spend too much time looking at him today. I know that sounds crazy, but...I think I might just go out and eat my lunch on the back steps or something...” I was shaking so bad that I nearly dropped my lunch tray, but I was too nervous to stand still. My heart wouldn’t listen to me, and it just kept hurting until the cramps in the middle of it threatened to crush it like a tightly clenched fist.
I bet if I was as cute and as cool as Matt and Sam were I wouldn’t have this problem. I’d be better at this. I’d be the kind of boy that an angel like Tyler deserves, instead of...
...me.
Randy playfully nudged me a little bit, and he said that I shouldn’t ditch them all for lunch. Awwww...please don’t put it like that. I would never just ditch my friends for no reason. I wasn’t trying to hurt or offend anybody, I just...I didn’t have it in me to deal with any of this today. My emotions were like this big swirl of jelly and sugar and garbage...and they were all pulling me in different directions. How am I supposed to focus if I see him again right now? Or if he smiles at me? Or if he lightly brushes some of his blond hair back to gaze at me with those miraculous eyes of his? What do I do if his presence instantly reminds me what I’ve been doing all of this for?
If it wasn’t for Tyler, the heartbreak I felt over Randy would have eaten me alive. You mean to tell me that I’ll have to go searching for love again after my very first high school love doesn’t work out for the best? How the heck am I supposed to pull THAT off a second time?
Randy really tried to calm me down, but I just told him, “I hate to say it, Randy...but I think, this time, there really is something wrong between us.” He tried to get me to just write it off as a bunch of nervous jitters. Randy always does. It usually works and gives me enough strength to make it through another day or two so Tyler and I can get together and he can put me at ease again. But this time it just frustrated me to have him brush this off of his shoulders and mine all for the sake of keeping the peace, or whatever. I wasn’t just lost in a daze here. I’m not being as naive as I usually am when it comes to this weird feeling in my heart, and I wanted him to not treat me like a baby this time. I had to let him know, “This feeling...it’s not the same. This is different. And not in a good way.”
Randy assured me that Tyler was, basically, head over heels in love with me...but it just felt like another fib. Maybe Randy is just trying to be a good friend, but I don’t want to duck around and dodge this anymore. So every word that came out of his mouth only worked to frustrate me even more. Why should I be left in the dark about this? Why can’t anybody tell me what’s going on? Rand said that my sweetie was totally in love, and then he added, “Isn’t that enough to at least sit down and figure things out?”
It hurt my heart to have Randy keep secrets from me, and that only agitated the burn in my heart. “No...” I said. “No, it isn’t.”
I was trying really really hard to hold the pressure down in the pit of my stomach, but that’s when he raised his voice at me and said, “Why not?”
As if it was MY fault! As if I was the one making this whole thing so much more difficult than it had to be!
All of a sudden, without even really thinking about it, I raised my voice too! And I was like, “Because it’s not the TRUTH, dangit! That’s why!” I was mad. I was so darn mad that I wanted to punch the whole world all at once and send us all flying into the Sun! But...after a second or two, I noticed the shock and silence that I saw on Randy’s face, and I realized that I just exploded at him for no reason at all. Like a raging volcano or something! He must have been so scared! I wasn’t trying to be a bully or anything, I just...didn’t want to discuss this whole screwy situation anymore. “Omigod...Randy...I’m sorry.”
Sure, Randy said it was no big deal but it was. What else did I expect him to say? He’s almost as close to perfection as Tyler is in my eyes...and he didn’t deserve to have me snapping and barking at him like a rabid dog just for trying to help me out. So I made sure to apologize to him over and over again for screaming like that. That’s certainly not a part of that Dalton charm that Gramms keeps talking about, is it?
When we sat down at our usual table, I can’t say that I had much of an appetite. I was a bit too nervous, honestly. I couldn’t stop shaking. Already, I was having trouble just talking around the issue with Randy without yelling and almost breaking down into a fit of baby tears...what was I going to do once Tyler showed up to join us. We were ok this morning but...seeing him shrink away in front of Matt and Sam just did something awful to me. And whatever confidence I had, all the joy and nerve and faith that I have been building up since I first asked Tyler to turn around and face the other direction so that I could work up the gusto to let him know that I liked him so so much...it, now, all seemed tainted somehow. Possibly...irreversibly so.
The lunch lady was awful nice to bring me a carton of chocolate milk once she got an extra stash in the back of the kitchen. “Thank you...” I said quietly, and she put it on my tray for me with a smile before going back into the kitchen again. She didn’t have to go through all of that trouble, but she did. And now that’s got me thinking about Tyler again. I knew that I should have just gotten my lunch and just shoved it in a bag or something so I could go out and eat it in the park. The school will never let me leave with it now that it’s on a tray, and I’m stuck here dreaming about my angel all over again. I’ve got to go. I should run. If I run, I can avoid Tyler completely until I get my head on straight.
While I was busy trying to make a decent escape plan, Ryan showed up to say hello. See? Randy’s super cute, Ryan’s super cute...both of them seem to ‘fit’, you know? Neither one of them seems to be out of the other’s league. They can just get together and be happy. But what is a bumbling little twerp like me supposed to do when it comes to keeping another boy interested? This is Tyler Jordan that we’re talking about here! The fact that he hasn’t gotten sick of me and walked away yet is a blessing in itself.
I think Ryan could tell that something was wrong, and that made me one hundred times more nervous than I was a few seconds ago!
“I shouldn’t be here. I’ve gotta go.” I said frantically, and I was just about to get up make my getaway when I saw Tyler walk up right after him. I didn’t want to melt in his presence...but if you put a pat of butter in a hot pan, it really doesn’t have much of a choice, now does it?
“...Hey, Ariel.” He said, an adorable little smirk crossing those delectably smooth pink lips of his. The way he’s able to wear his mesmerizing beauty, almost like a costume...I sweat, it’s just not fair. I can’t even look away from him for a couple of seconds without feeling the withdrawal that comes from not gawking at him so shamelessly.
“Hi.” I said, hoping to keep my deeper feelings at bay. I swallowed them down as deep as they could go, and seeing the look on his face from having me not tripping all over myself to see him again definitely had the desired effect. Because...truth be told...I think I wanted him to hurt a little bit. If for no other reason than to get a taste of what I’ve been going through today.
He sat next to me, and I ignored the fact that his magnificent mop of blond hair looked even more perfect today than it usually does. He was trying to connect with me somehow, you know? Like on this normal, ‘everyday’, level...but that was too easy. He’s knows what a sucker I am for his touch. I’m not going to let him cheat this time. I really want some damn answers. So when he put his hand on my shoulder, even though it felt awesome and made me shiver inside, I forced myself to lean away from his golden touch and scoot over enough to let him know that I was seriously struggling just having him this close to me right now.
“What’s the matter?” He asked me. Psh! As if he didn’t know already.
“I dunno. Nothing, maybe. Everything, maybe. I...I dunno...” I just didn’t want to be tricked anymore. He may be my very first boyfriend, but I’m not a dummy, you know? We peeked over at one another a few times, but I was aggravated and he was confused and we were both stressed out. That was clear for us both to see in that moment.
Am I screwing this whole thing up? Is that what’s happening here? I’ve got the cutest boy in school to give me the time of day...who am I to complain? Maybe I’m just being stubborn. Am I being the brat in this situation? Should I just let it go. He’s soooo cute! Letting it go would be a heck of a lot better for me than it would be for him. Wouldn’t it?
I was sort of wrapped up in maybe thinking that I could...just allow to get lost in his eyes again. That I could maybe just say that I was sorry for being a dork and chalk it up to me just having a bad morning in school. I could make it up to him with some naughty boy sex later if he really wanted me to. His smooth, soft, skin warmly pressed up against me as I put my legs up over his shoulders and let him push into my quivering hole with the skill and instinct that only Tyler had when it came to such a thing. It would be soooo easy to give in again. To convince myself that asking these kinds of personal question was bound to do our relationship as boyfriends a lot more harm than good. But...
...Then that ‘Sean’ guy showed up at our lunch table, and I frowned to myself as I looked down and tried my best to ignore him. I think Randy was doing the same thing, because he seemed to be just as bothered by him as I was. I mean, who even invited that boy to come and be a part of our group anyways. He just gives me the prickles whenever he’s around, and something about having him there sort of killed the moment for me, and I got stubborn again.
Do you know what he said to me??? He’s like, bringing up me spilling my milkshake on his shirt! But FUCK that guy! He deserved it! I was embarrassed and upset, but...I just lowered my head like I always do, and I said, “Sorry. I get clumsy sometimes...” I didn’t mean it though. Like I said...he totally deserved it. And I’d do it again tight now if I had another milkshake to spill on him. He even brought up the chem lab thing...which, I mean...if they don’t want the chem lab to catch fire, how about they stop putting so many flammable materials in one place around TEENAGERS? Huh? Did he ever think of that???
Yeah! That’s what I thought, Cabbage Head!!!
“Dude….do you wanna go somewhere and talk for a few minutes?” Tyler said while I wasn’t paying attention.
At first, I didn’t want to go anywhere with him...but saying no to Tyler Jordan isn’t exactly something that I’m good at. Besides...that Sean guy makes everything stinkier whenever he’s around. So why not? “M’kay...” I said after a little push. I don’t know if it’s supposed to solve anything...but at least I’ll be able to get a few things off of my chest.
Like I said, this could all be in my head, and I’ll feel like a complete idiot if it turns out to just me being a paranoid boyfriend. But if not...do I really want to know? Or is this going to be even worse than I ever could have expected it to be. I guess the ball’s in Tyler’s court now...
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