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Date Posted: 22:16:51 05/24/01 Thu
Author: tim power
Subject: second poem on here

An alpine lovesong

I stood atop a mountain high
With a tired breath steaming up the perfect sky
The knotted clouds above my fingers bare
The stunning briskness of the air
All combined, and in the breeze
I sang a song, with soul at ease.
I threw your name, across the snow
And it melted with the sun and turned to gold
Whereupon, all liquid and alive
Your name flowed down the silver mountainside
And raced itself and the pallid light
Past the plateaus, hills and out of sight
Till finally, in the red collapsing sky
A gilded haze danced 'cross my eyes.
The world below, alive in gold for you
Danced to the tremblings of my voice so true.

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Replies:

[> I like this except a couple of the lines seem too long "... the perfect sky." If you left out "perfect" it would flow better and the next two lines give that sense of perfection anyway. Also "... turned to gold" seems too long to me. Rhyming couplets is r -- luke, 09:03:33 05/25/01 Fri

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[> [> ... Rhyming couplets is really hard, I've found. These don't sound forced. -- luke, 09:04:35 05/25/01 Fri

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