your sentence structures and stress patterns and lala all seem to be really good but sometimes (and i know i'm really not one to talk) the rhyme is just a wee bit forced. i dont lik e'was i wrong?' and also the bunch of lines all ending with 'ing' - 'warning.. moaning.. running.. bending' its also in too much of a conversational tone to really make it seem threatening, which it seems to sort of be. hmm let me try that again - the tone and style doesn't seem to reflect content (for me at least) -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 19:20:16 04/25/01 Wed
Author: zeina
Subject: your sentence structures and stress patterns and lala all seem to be really good but sometimes (and i know i'm really not one to talk) the rhyme is just a wee bit forced. i dont lik e'was i wrong?' and also the bunch of lines all ending with 'ing' - 'warning.. moaning.. running.. bending' its also in too much of a conversational tone to really make it seem threatening, which it seems to sort of be. hmm let me try that again - the tone and style doesn't seem to reflect content (for me at least)
In reply to: luke 's message, "Not finished and not likely to be" on 17:37:06 04/02/01 Mon

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[> I doubt you could have said worse while trying to force the rhyme here. the 'was i wrong?' and the 'silly' bits really ruin it. other than that it is good. Just a bit odd overall -- james, 17:30:31 04/30/01 Mon

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[> [> The "was I wrong?" was almost my favourite bit. It was supposed to (with the rhyming) make it all ridiculous and doodle-lidoo. Maybe it didn't work -- luke, 05:18:29 05/01/01 Tue

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