Not finished and not likely to be -- Some Let Me Make You

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Date Posted: 17:37:06 04/02/01 Mon
Author: luke
Subject: Not finished and not likely to be

Grunting, she bound my hands behind the chair
I thought her silly but began to scare
At the thread, gold and light and silky strong
She'd seemed just a child before, was I wrong?
For though her boy was still small and weak,
Sat light on my lap, eyes timid and meek,
Spit frothed hot at her pink lips and I felt
Rough hands grip mine. Then with my hands so held
She teased me, tickling, hands dainty again.
I laughed, nervous, but no longer in pain
She laughed too but she didn't let me go
I asked her nicely but she still said no.
We sat silently, when it grew colder
Softly resting her head on my shoulder.
Night rushed over without any warning.
The wind grew stronger, drumming and moaning,
Making dark waves through the grass running
Under the chair on which we sat, bending
Backwards the blades and numbing my face
In the cold night her little body's place
Was that of a hot water bottle as
My head nodded forward and�

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Replies:

[> your sentence structures and stress patterns and lala all seem to be really good but sometimes (and i know i'm really not one to talk) the rhyme is just a wee bit forced. i dont lik e'was i wrong?' and also the bunch of lines all ending with 'ing' - 'warning.. moaning.. running.. bending' its also in too much of a conversational tone to really make it seem threatening, which it seems to sort of be. hmm let me try that again - the tone and style doesn't seem to reflect content (for me at least) -- zeina, 19:20:16 04/25/01 Wed

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[> I doubt you could have said worse while trying to force the rhyme here. the 'was i wrong?' and the 'silly' bits really ruin it. other than that it is good. Just a bit odd overall -- james, 17:30:31 04/30/01 Mon

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[> [> The "was I wrong?" was almost my favourite bit. It was supposed to (with the rhyming) make it all ridiculous and doodle-lidoo. Maybe it didn't work -- luke, 05:18:29 05/01/01 Tue

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[> I think the was I wrong could be a truning point and indeed the "best part" of the poem, perhaps if it was the only rhyming couplet, or if it was one of only a few. Makes thing stand out. Overall the poem is playful, which I am not sure it is intended to be? -- tim, 19:33:14 05/26/01 Sat

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[> I like the idea, and the rhyming helps to show us that there is a bit of a fun side to the poem, despite its potentially macabre undertones. Makes for interesting reading, though I think the rhyming is best used reservedly, to mark turning points in the poem perhaps?? PS congrats on the poetry win! -- tim, 19:36:51 05/26/01 Sat

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[> Some of your language is exceltent but it is undermined by the rhyming. It looses the threat created with the imagery, if it is your intention to make it appear light and amusing while being threatening all at once then it worked but i have to agree with zeina about the whole 'was i wrong?' however, i don't think this was the worse line, that was, the scare rhyming with chair. -- meg, 14:23:42 05/27/01 Sun

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[> READ THIS ONE FIRST MY PICKY COMPUTER WOULDN'T LET ME PRINT IT ALL AT ONCE! Interesting. There are lots of things here which i do and don't like. I like the gold and light thread although I'm not sure it would be tying someones hands together. My favortie bit is the way the grass runs in dark waves. -- MARGARET, 14:28:33 05/27/01 Sun

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[> the rhyme was intended to make it lighter and magical and mocking and to reflect the way he is scared but also kind of enjoying himself and the way the child is playing a game and should be innocent. Maybe I'll try to finish it. -- luke, 10:45:28 05/28/01 Mon

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