Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend) -- CastawaysII

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Date Posted: 17:19:29 12/03/08 Wed
Author: Sandy
Author Host/IP: 75-138-109-074.dhcp.hckr.nc.charter.com / 75.138.109.74
Subject: Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend)
In reply to: Sandy 's message, "Struggling Part I (and it's long)" on 16:44:49 12/03/08 Wed

Ok, on top of that big decision I need to make about my job, I also have a decision to make about the guy I've been dating. I've been dating Joe for a year and a half. He gave me a ring in May and wants to get married but I don't know what to do. I accepted and I thought that's what I wanted to do at first.

But then later, I went through a spell of depression where I didn't want to be around people and with him coming over 4 or 5 nights a week it started really getting on my nerves. I wanted to be left alone. I'm sure it is my nerves or the depression because then if I'm left alone too much I start getting lonely. (I know, I'm such a contradiction). I don't know if I can be with someone all the time. There are times when I don't want to talk, when I don't want to cuddle, when I really just want to be alone to think or chill out by myself. How do you explain that to someone who's never been depressed and who came from a big family where he was never alone?

Am I in love with him? I don't know if I know what that means. There are times I've thought I was in love but I think to me that is some idealistic romantic feeling where everything is perfect but that isn't going to last because no one is perfect. There are always responsibilities and things to deal with and there are ups and downs with everyone.

I do care deeply about him and maybe that is love. We have some good times together and it's nice to have someone to do things with. We like quite a few of the same things but we have differences too. I just don't know if I know what love is... well not the kind you have for a mate anyway. I know that in all my relationships there were good times when I had a romantic feeling for them but there were a lot of times when I didn't really want to deal with them or anyone. I mean, as much as I love my son and my family, there are times I want them around and there are other times when I don't want to have to be sociable, even with them. So maybe there's just something about me... maybe something is missing.. I don't know.

I do know that my siblings and I all suffer from the same types of feelings, the same type of depression. We grew up in an alcoholic home where there was a lot of violence and not much love. We were cussed at, criticized and generally made to feel that we were in the way. How do you come from that and know how to truly love someone? No one taught us about love and we all struggle in relationships. Three out of 4 of us are divorced. All of us are unhappy and depressed.

I could marry Joe, move in with him and it would help both of us financially. We see each other 4 to 5 times a week now so it wouldn't be that much more but would I regret it? And when I'm in one of my moods where I feel grouchy and really don't want to have to talk to anyone, how would he understand that? I know I can act really withdrawn and cold when I'm stressed or depressed. I know it would be hard for someone to understand if they haven't been depressed but it's part of me and I don't see it ever changing. He says he could live with it, but could he? In past relationships they said they understood to but when the relationship ended it was constantly thrown in my face as the reason the relationship failed. I can explain it repeatedly but no one knows unless they feel it.

Lately I have been so stressed out trying to decide what to do about my job and what to do about this relationship. I'm so depressed and you know when you're depressed it's hard to make rational decisions. I second guess everything I think.

Another concern I have is intimacy. Some of you may recall that I was sexually abused as a child and it has caused problems off and on. Or maybe it's not that. Maybe it's just the depression. When I first started dating Joe and for over a year I was fine with intimacy. But lately I haven't had any desire to be intimate and that's going to be a problem because he still has that desire. It's hard to pretend to be in the mood when you can't stand anyone to touch you. And I don't think it has a thing to do with him. It's me. I don't feel good. I'm depressed. I'm stressed out about these decisions and the economy and my future. I'm dealing with feeling like my son doesn't really need me that much anymore when he was my focus and reason for living for so many years. I've gained weight and don't feel comfortable about my body. And on top of this my periods are really erratic which leads me to believe that I'm experiencing peri-menopause and guess what? A symptom of that is decreased sex drive.

If I thought we could get married and mostly be companions and he wouldn't expect more of me than I have to give, I'd do it. But I'm afraid he won't understand when I'm moody. I'm afraid he'll want intimacy more than I can give. I realize he has needs but what if he wants intimacy several times a week and I just don't feel like it. Before I would have been fine with that but lately I have no desire at all. It's hard to fake desire. And I don't know if the desire would come back if I weren't so stressed out by everything else. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing. I don't know anything.

I've been screwed up for so long. Other than the ADD for my adderall I haven't been on depression meds for a long time. I have no insurance and can't afford it. Plus I dread those side effects. And one of the side effects is decreased sex drive.

As far as intimacy goes it seems like everything is conspiring against me... the depression, low self-esteem, perimenopause and even if I get on depression meds, they'll work against it as well. I rarely drink but to be able to relax and deal with sex I have to get quite a buzz first.

I'm so screwed up. And I'm afraid.

These past few weeks when I've been at home laid off.. I feel I have no reason to accomplish anything. I sleep and watch tv and then it occurred to me that I'm going to end up just like my dad did when he retired. He just slept and watched tv and became a hermit. He's still doing that..only at my brother's house. He has no motivation to do anything, no interests, no hobbies. He's just sitting there waiting to die. And I can see myself ending up that way if I stay alone. When I know that no one is coming home, I don't even get dressed. No reason to cook or clean if no one's going to be here. I go days without leaving the house.

That's not how I want to live. I want to find things that interest me. I want to have friends and go do things. I want to travel the world if I ever have the money.

But I lack motivation. I always have. I lack focus and drive. I am smart and I could have accomplished a lot if I had just haad the motivation and drive to stick to something. Now I'm 47 years old and what am I going to do?

I could stick with a job I hate to pay the bills but I won't be happy. I could stay single so I wouldn't have to have someone around all the time but that gets too lonely and I won't do anything at all if I'm alone. I could move in with Joe but what about the times when I can't stand to hear anyone talk, when my nerves are screaming and I need to be left alone? And how to I open up my heart to know if I love anyone. I've been hurt so many times that I am very reserved. I don't try to be close to people. I stay in the background and hope not to be noticed. I don't put myself out there for fear of not being good enough, or of being rejected. And I think I have tried so hard and given so much of myself emotionally that I don't know if I have anything left inside to give. I am not the person I once was. I don't try that hard with people. I know that but I'm not sure I can change it.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to make another mistake but how does anyone know if they are making the right decision or not.

So now you have it... I'm a basket case and a mess...

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Replies:

Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend) -- Liz, 11:21:51 12/08/08 Mon
- Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend) -- Sandy, 16:54:00 12/08/08 Mon
  - Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend) -- Liz, 15:49:20 12/10/08 Wed
    - Re: Struggling Part II (the boyfriend) -- Sandy, 16:05:14 12/23/08 Tue