Diary Entry 2 -- Uncle Doug's Whisky Forum

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Subject: Diary Entry 2

Author:
doug

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Date Posted: 10:45:07 08/06/04 Fri
Author Host/IP: host81-156-51-202.range81-156.btcentralplus.com/81.156.51.202

- Watched Kilroy. That man's got such a comforting way with his guests. Wasted on telly. Should go into politics. Anyway, telly's the devil. No talent on there. Except Kilroy.

- Checked plugs on kitchen appliances. All fine. Changed fuses anyway. Cupboard handles fine.

- Short conversation with wife. Banter. Left house.

- Drove to town. Picked up some compost from B&Q. Loaded car. Went to Argos to purchase foot-spa for the wife. Noticed man staring at me at the goods depot. He was smiling. I thought he was another celebrity-mad type who'd recognised me from my appearance on Opportunity Knocks a couple of years ago, in the seventies.

Myself and Hughie Green before my Opportunity Knocks appearance.
He later called me a 'bucket of fun' and we agreed to keep in contact, I gave him my home telephone number and he gave me the number of the switchboard at BBC entertainment. Had my career required me to ring, you can be assured they'd have put me straight through to Hughie.

- Anyway, this chap was staring so I nodded and smiled. He didn't seem to register so I did the gorilla impression from my appearance and mimed stealing bananas from the (humourless) lady in front of me's handbag. Still didn't register, so I left my queue and went over to oblige him with an autograph. Arse. Turned out he recognised me as 'the wanker who'd been thrown out of the Horse and Grapes in 1989 for telling jokes over the Ultravox backing track on their new karaoke machine'. He didn't want my autograph either. Went home. With foot-spa.

- Watched more TV. It's amazing where all the famous faces have gone. You don't see anyone famous on telly nowdays.

- Spoke to my agent, pitched the idea of a Dad's Army remake. "Dougie. They're all dead!", he said. I told him, "I know that, Peter. We'd fill the remake with the stars of today." Turned out most of them were dead, too. I'm the only one still going. Just me as Pike then. Wound the call up. No work on the cards this week. Work in December as Father Christmas if I want it. It's in a hospital, work comes with guaranteed radio-time. It's pencilled in.

- More telly. Eastenders. Lots of banter on there. "GET OUT OF MY PUB!". Cracking stuff.

Me with the Princess of Cockney - Barbara Windsor.
Careful Babs! Where's that hand going?!
(Joking of course. She was a lady. She made no attempt to handle me in that way. She was bladdered though).

- Anyway, yeah, Eastenders good. Nice to see some of the old talent passing through that show. Not so nice to see viewers getting muddled up in storylines involving the youngsters. Not so realistic. Always good to see Wendy Richards, though. Lady.

- Turned telly off. Practised my act. Need to get new copy of Hawaii 5-0 theme. The cassette goes a bit wobbly right where I walk on. Trousers need a woman's touch. Tore right up the inside of both thighs when I did the hop-step walking on. If that were to happen on television or at any private function. That'd be it. Career over. Reputation (and trousers) in tatters. Luckily it was just in the spare room.

- Early to bed. Started reading 'The Moon's A Balloon' again. I'm trying to be a bit more like David Niven every single day. He knew so many famous people. Wasn't that funny though. I'm one step ahead. and I'm alive.

- Light out. Sleep.

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