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Date Posted: 07:15:48 01/11/09 Sun
Author: see inside first reply
Subject: Need advice...ds is U9 novice. He's a wonderful little dancer, but doesn't want anyone at school to know...


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[> What to do? -- inside, 07:21:53 01/11/09 Sun [1]

He says he loves to dance, he loves the shows and the competition. He likes the few other guy pals that he has in dance class. He is just terrified that boys in his school will tease him. He says that the other boys think that dancing is "just for girls". He told me that this is something he will have to hide for the rest of his life. A girl from his school will be starting dance next week and his is terrified that she will tell the rest of his school that he dances.
I asked him if he wanted to quit dance but he says he doesn't. I just need some advice on how to get him through this. I've already given him the "it doesn't matter what others think" speech.
Thanks


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[> [> Hopefully, he will be friends with the new girl and they will have dance in common. Some kids will know, some won't but it's his reaction to the negative that matters. -- hold your head high li'l guy!, 07:31:07 01/11/09 Sun [1]


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[> [> He needs to know that his classmates ARE going to find out that he dances (more) -- ., 03:14:20 01/12/09 Mon [1]

That is inevitable. The extent of the teasing is entirely up to him and the way he handles it. When it starts, he's got to give a confident answer. "Yeah, I dance. You might be talented enough, but I doubt it." He needs to turn it into something that he *can* do that they *can't*.

Then he can challenge the head teaser to a dance off, right there. Let the teaser pick who goes first and when it's the teaser's turn to dance, he should totally trash the kid's dancing, in whatever style he wants (he can use a flat, bored voice or something more dramatic, referencing helicopters when talking about the arm movement, horses about the foot movement, etc.) How he does his critique will depend on the personality of the teaser and the relationship he has with him. Even nice kids will tease, so if it's a nice kid, he should do a good natured critique (still trashing the dancing, mind you). If the teaser is a jerk, your son should go all out on the critique.

One way to make it known that he's proud of his dancing is to see if you can arrange for him to do a show for his class. St. Patrick's Day is coming up and you could definitely sell it as a "cultural" event. Make sure he wears something 'manly', even if it's all black. The show should be short, with impressive hardshoe steps. Make sure he has a piece of flooring that will showcase the sounds...what a terrible waste of hard shoe when the stage absorbs all the sound! None of that graceful 'girly' stuff for this show!! If he can toss his arms up at the end, that would be great!

He'll probably want to die at the idea of telling everyone he dances by actually dancing in front of all of them, but this is when peer pressure will work to his advantage. Most of the kids are bound to be impressed as all get out and this will take the wind out of the sails of the teasers. Mostly, anyway.

Teasing is a part of life. He'll probably get some kind of nickname out of his dancing. His attitude toward the teasing is the absolute key. If he handles it well, with confidence in his dancing and his manliness, the teasing will be good natured and minimal. If he gets defensive or scared (and shows it), the teasing will become tormenting and he will eventually quit dancing because of it, but the teasing will still continue.

Good luck!!


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[> We try to get our son to understand that everyone (not just him) has different interests. He knows that there may be people who tease him but he can't let that ruin something he is great at. -- Keep him strong!, 09:14:29 01/11/09 Sun [1]


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[> Kind of a catch 22 but I think he will find (see inside) -- Mom and TC, 15:15:14 01/11/09 Sun [1]

that even if kids at school find out, MOST of them will be quite impressed that he does that. Certainly, there will be a few that tease (in all likelihood, more because they would never dare try such a think and don't know much about it, rather than anythig else) - those types are always out there. But overall, we have found (I have a ds in high school), that most kids and their families are now familiar with Irish dance (thanks to Riverdance, LOTD, and Michael Flatley), and realized full well that it is very athletic and difficult, and it has some public recognition of its own. As a result, they tend to tease and ridicule a lot less, and instead recognize the accomplishment. I found with my ds when he was young that the older boys in school (the 7th and 8th graders at the time) were VERY impressed with him and what he could do, and with their encouragement, his talent was quickly labeled "cool". That helped temper teasing from some of his peers. As a result, there wasn't too much teasing, and he has really made a reputation for himself as an Irish dancer among his classmates. Now in high school, he doesn't generally think twice about it - there are those that tease, some don't know about it, and the ones that do know keep cheering him on. SO, encourage him and remind him, no matter what, that if it is something he loves to do, he should do it and stick with it. Are there any other boys in the dance school (even older ones) that could be a friendly ear or mentor? THat can help a lot, if nothing else to have someone to share the frustrations with. Good luck!


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[> try a little role playing with u being a teaser and see if that makes him more comfortable. my kids practice "600 girls in bloomers and sports bras - you figure it out". your son is a little younger for that to matter, though! do a kick an inch from their nose is another of my kids favorites. -- mom, 16:01:22 01/11/09 Sun [1]


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[> [> I had 2 boys that danced...more -- mom o'2, 19:29:12 01/11/09 Sun [1]

They were both invited to dance at their school for a March celebration. At the time they were 13 and 10. The 13 year old backed out at the last minute because he was afraid of being teased. We had told them both that it was their choice to dance or not. The 10 year old (always more comfortable in his skin) went ahead and did it on his own. Well, he got a standing ovation from all the school and an encore while his brother watched from the sidelines. The 13 yr old never backed out of another invite to dance :)


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[> [> I remember being at a dance out & ds was maybe 10 - the announcer said, "that poor laddie with all those girls" TC piped up & said, think of that laddie as a teen, the announcer says, "that's a really smart laddie out there!" -- ecr mom again, 21:10:36 01/12/09 Mon [1]


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[> My son is 10 and (more inside) -- mom, 21:39:21 01/11/09 Sun [1]

used to live in fear of being "found out" the funny thing was, all of his good buddies know and don't think a thing about his dancing. Now that kids have started to take on the "bully" roles at school, that didn't seem to exist in the younger grades, these are the ones he worries about. We have worked with him to not so much care what other people think but to get him to realize what he thinks is the mkost important thing. If he believes there is something wrong with this, then of course they will. If he is OK with it and projects that, then even better. It is still a touchy subject but he is starting to get over the worry. He has a friend that does non-irish dancing and he had a few girls from school in his class. He just asked them not to say anything and guess what, they never did!

Maybe it isn't the best approach but I have tried to remind him, in a funny way, that all kids have a "thing" they may not want others to know about.....for some it is scouting (believe it or not!), for others it is being the shortest one in class or the tallest or whatever! Life is about being who you are and what better time to learn that lesson now. I hope he sticks with it, be it a secret or not.


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[> [> Very sage advice indeed. So many kids have that "thing" they don't want others to know about - and if we all knew each others, we likely would realize how much more alike we are !! -- --, 05:25:45 01/12/09 Mon [1]


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[> Thanks for all the great advice. We just had a talk before he was off to school. -- I think he's getting there.(op), 06:15:26 01/12/09 Mon [1]

We talked about how other people did things they were probably worried they'd get teased about, as well. God gave us all different talents. We can't all be football players (he is on a basketball team and swim team). We also talked about his attitude, and that if he acted ashamed of dancing, others would be more likely to tease. When he left for school, he said, "mom, I do like irish dancing." We'll see how it goes. Thanks again.


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[> Are you based in the US? My brother in Ireland was a dancer as we were growing up - none of the his sisters were. He was tormented about it. My son is a dancer but he is in the US and the kids love that he does it. they are always asking him to dance. -- he is 10 yrs old, 10:52:41 01/12/09 Mon [1]


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[> [> Yes, we're in the US. I hope he finds out that most of his peers think it's pretty neat! -- op (NT), 11:13:42 01/12/09 Mon [1]


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[> DS only really ever told his best friends but I'm sure the other kids knew but was never teased -- ecr mom to a ds & dd, 21:03:08 01/12/09 Mon [1]

but his grade six teacher made this big thing about "everyone has a talent" and showed him that he does have a special gift. He told the rest of his classmates & he did a little 'shy' dance in class - they were all amazed.

This past year he started high school. He came home and said, "it got out that I dance" in a really strange voice. I asked what had happened and I guess some "acquaintance" (sp?) was going around making comments about my son and he 'dances'. Some other student came up & said sarcastically, "so I hear you dance" and he promply rattled off his accomplishments & I then asked (still thinking it was the big mouthed boy) did you tell them about all the girls you dance with? He said, I didn't think she'd care..." I laughed and that's been it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is tell your son to be proud of his talents and don't let anyone stop him from doing what he enjoys. Be proud!

My DS is now 14 and still loving dance!


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