As They Would Will It -- Critique Cafe

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Subject: As They Would Will It

Author:
Sasha

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Date Posted: 18:12:06 01/23/08 Wed

As They Would Will It

How deep, the pen cuts
when wielded by one
who would call themselves; friend

they slice the flesh to draw attention
to that place along the spine
that bleeds so beautifully
as they would will it

there was no crime

there is no justice

there is nothing

'cept the stench of hypocrisy
and the fact that I don't give a shit
how many more are swinging
from the rope

© Sasha ‘07

Author's Note: I've posted this one here, to see if it needs
something extra, or needs something removed..lol
It's a Tag piece from a year ago and I've never really known
what to do with it...any help would be appreciated :)

*hugs*

Sash xx

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Replies:

[> Subject: Re: As They Would Will It

Author:
Jess
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Date Posted: 01:55:20 01/25/08 Fri

Yay! The first body to flay!

Just kidding.

This one is a diamond, and not at all rough. At first I thought maybe a little more development about the crime that was not a crime, but then I read again how deep the pen cuts and hypocricy.

I adore and love that last stanza:

"I don't give a shit
how many more
are swinging from the rope."

but who are the others? Are you the hypocrite in the end?

Even so, bravo!

Much love,
Jess

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[> Subject: Re: As They Would Will It

Author:
Paul
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Date Posted: 18:17:04 01/26/08 Sat

Sash,

I know this poem of course, and know the route that led you to it. I love it's powerful and bitter feel, and cannot find fault with the composition. My one suggestion, would be to lose the contraction of the word 'Except' at the start of the last stanza.The 'c' followed by the word stench, is almost a tongue trip waiting to happen, and I think the full use of the word would give that line far more weight and power.

Peace and love,

Paul.

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