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Date Posted: 14:28:29 12/04/99 Sat
Author: General X
Subject: General X: The American Hero



(The screen opens up at an Army base.Major Pain is giving a class to his platoon.The General walks up to do an annual check up.He walks around looking at everybody and then walks to the front.)

General X:Major.(Nods his head.)

Major Pain:Hold on sir.Ok people!Five laps around the track!After that, I'll be nice and send you to the assault course!

(The platoon groans and leaves.)

Major Pain:Sir.

General X:I just wanted to wish you good luck on your match with "what's-his-name" on Tuesday.

Major Pain:His name's not important.He's a loser.

General X:I know.I'm going to be on the base Tuesday, I might be able to catch your match.

Major Pain:Great, see ya then.

General X:Yeah.

(Jeff walks in and sets up the camera.)

Major Pain:I gotta go.See ya.

General X:Yeah.

(Major Pain leave and the General looks at the camera.)

General X:Cain, what the hell are you talking about?As a matter of fact, I'm 53 years old but still an ass kicker.I'm buffed to the limit.Plus, I don't drink and smoke like you and other pieces of trash do.I'm an American.You're an asshole traitor.You are pathetic, sitting around drinking and smoking and talking trash about the greatest country in the world.I'm glad you sit around thinking about me, but I don't think of you that way.I'm a married straight man.You are a fag loser bum.I didn't run from any war.I stayed.You're wussy father ran like a worm being chased by a bird.

(The General walks to his office and the camera follows.He puts a tape in his V.C.R and hits play.)

General X:*smiling*Watch this.He he.

(We see a man dressed like Cain staggering back and forth in a small dark room with an American flag behind him and "War" is playing.Cain is spewing out insults about America and General X.He is flicking ashes on the floor and you can tell from the green clouds that the room smells like shit.The man looks at the camera and smiles.His teeth are green and have mold growing on them.He shoves the camera man down and falls backwards.A yellow stain grows on the crotch area of his pants and he passes out.The tape stops and the General starts laughing.)

General X:WAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!*sigh*Man, you gotta stop drinking.You fat, lazy bum.I'd win even if I was 100 years old.I was not only in Nam.I was also in Desert Storm where I took one to save this guy.Can't remember his name but I got a medal for that too.(Points at the medals on his jacket.)Look at all these.Sixteen medals in all.The only thing you've ever earned was a bowling trophy.Anyway.I'm gonna kick your ass on Friday and you'll be the one trying to run.I'm serious, you're gonna try to run when I get in that ring.

(The General takes the tape out.)

General X:That's all folks.See ya Jeff.

Jeff:See ya.

(The screen fades to black as Jeff closes the door behind him.)


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