At Trial -- Mamusz' Restoration Forum

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Date Posted: 19:53:51 07/26/13 Fri
Author: George
Subject: At Trial

Judge: Mr. Jones, you have been accused of wire
fraud, grand larceny, failure to file income taxes,
embezzlement, misuse of public funds, theft by check,
impersonation of a public official, bigamy, violation
of a court order, trespassing, arson, manslaughter,
discharging a firearm on a public right of way, grand
theft auto, statutory rape, armed robbery, violating
the Mann Act, kidnapping, violation of probation,
impersonation of a police officer, election fraud,
high treason, obstruction of justice, forgery, leaving
the scene of an accident, and perjury. How do you
plead?

Jones: Judge not lest ye be judged, your Honor.

Judge: I'll take that as a "guilty" on all
counts.

Defense counsel: You Honor, this is absurd. You
cannot automatically draw a guilty plea from my
client's remarks. My client pleads not guilty to all
counts.

Judge: Prisoner is remanded to the county jail
without bail until trial.

Defense: Your Honor, my client is an upstanding
citizen who currently holds valid priesthood cards
from the LDS Church, the Community of Christ, the
local Zoroastrian Society, and is on the Board of the
National Council of Churches. We ask that he be
released on his own cognizance.

Judge: Due to the number of charges and their
seriousness, this court cannot grant your request.

Defense: But your Honor, my client did not
leave the scene of an accident. He
intended to drive the car off the bridge with
his pregnant secretary in it. He contends that he
could not have committed statutory rape, because the
alleged victim was at the time past the age of consent
according to Shariah Law in western Sudan. He could
not have violated the Mann Act, because the car
eventually came to rest on the bottom of the river on
this side of the state line. He did not discharge a
firearm on a public road, because he had to chase the
alleged victim a half mile away from the roadway. He
cannot be guilty of bigamy, because he had no second
marriage. What the District Attorney alleges is a
second marriage was only a shacking up ceremony
performed by a fellow priest in the defendant's
church. He did not commit arson, because the church he
is accused of torching caught fire following a
lightning strike during his sermon on sacramental
sodomy. He cannot be guilty of manslaughter, because
we can prove that his secretary had species issues and
had species-change surgery pending; thus, it cannot be
determined whether she was a man or not. We contend
that he cannot be guilty of any of the other charges,
because he printed an article in the Saints Herald
twenty years ago plainly stating that he had
absolutely no intention of ever doing any of
those other things.

Judge: Save it for trial

Jones: Judge not lest ye be judged.

Judge: You've already pled not guilty. Do you
want to change your plea to not guilty by reason of
insanity?

Defense Council: No, your Honor.

Judge: Very well, then. Defendant is remanded
to the Country Jail until trial. Next case.

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