NOROMO GAZETTE, Shipperville's Alternative Newspaper (04/26/2002) -- X-Philes World-Shipperville

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Date Posted: 04:49:07 04/26/02 Fri
Author: kande
Subject: NOROMO GAZETTE, Shipperville's Alternative Newspaper (04/26/2002)

motto: A moment of silence, please.

TOP STORIES

Poll Shows Mayor's Support At Record High
A recent poll sponsored jointly by the Noromo Gazette and the mayor's office on public affairs reveals new highs for the mayor's support. Respondents were asked to grade the mayor based on two questions.

Q: How do you rate the HISTORY of Mayor Kenamom's time in office?
Average grade: A-

Q: How do you rate Mayor Kenamom's knowledge of POLITICAL SCIENCE and her use of this knowledge to do her job well?
Average grade: A

One respondent is quoted as saying, "It's like she studies this stuff!" A reception to celebrate the outstanding approval ratings has been postponed.

Mayor Injured In Fall
Shipperville Mayor Kenamom was injured at a recent reception held in her honor. As the mayor approached the podium to give her speech, she fell down the steps. Quick-thinking FBI Special Agent Dana Scully rushed to the mayor's side. The following is a transcript of a recording from the night in question:

Scully: Somebody call a doctor!

[A cell phone rings.]

Scully: Scully. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[The sound of the cell phone being returned to a pocket is heard.]

Scully: Never mind. Turns out I'm a doctor. Who knew?

The mayor was rushed to a local hospital, where she was pronounced dead on arrival. As mourners gathered at the hospital, Aunt Madge issued a statement through a hospital spokesman. "We regret any inconvenience our previous report may have caused. A second inspection of the body reveals that the mayor is not, repeat, NOT, dead. As it turns out, she has a severely sprained ankle. A full recovery is expected."

LOCAL STORIES

Kande's Klub To Sponsor Lone Gunmen Week
Shipperville residents are invited to kande's klub every night next week to share their favorite memories of the Lone Gunmen.

"We have ordered several cases of kleenex and will issue black armbands at the door," said the klub's proprietor. "Quite frankly, it's downright shameful that mourners have nowhere to go to express their grief. If this event goes well, we may make this a regular event."

CLASSIFIEDS

Wanted: Nurse's aide to cater to my every whim while I recover from a major injury. Call 555-MAYOR for more details.

Join the Socialist Cause! Help overthrow the Shipperville autocracy! Meetings every other Tuesday at 7:00 pm at the Shipperville civic center.

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Replies:

Dear Editor -- Special Agent Dana Scully, 13:05:34 04/26/02 Fri
- Dear Special Agent Dana Scully: -- kande, 13:19:26 04/26/02 Fri