Weekend Update jokes and features -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 01:43:24 09/15/07 Sat
Author: jennings
Subject: Weekend Update jokes and features
In reply to: jennings 's message, "Sketches for Rowan Atkinson update...to be posted" on 01:28:28 09/15/07 Sat

WEEKEND UPDATE WITH AMY & SETH

DETAILS: Ralph Nader gives incite on Labor Day hot dogs
Jason comments on the Princess Diana Death Anniversary

�Amy Poehler
�Seth Meyers
Ralph Nader�Fred Armisen
�Jason Sudeikis

NBC programs will no longer be obtainable through iTunes from Apple. This move might have something do with the fact that Jeff Zucker fucked Steve Job�s wife in the coat room at a Pre-Emmys party this past weekend.

CBS News announced this week that Evening News anchor Katie Couric will report live from Iraq next week. Oh, how cute. Sorry Katie, the Daily Show�s Rob Riggle did that last week. How �bout some originality?

In other CBS news, producers of �The New Adventures Of Old Christine� have announced that actor Jason Alexander will reunite with his �Seinfeld� cast mate Julia Louis-Dreyfus when he appears on an upcoming episode of the hit sitcom. Reached for comment, Louis-Dreyfus said, �Well, I�m happy. Jason needs the work, and there is a perfect role for him in a guest spot. Really! Jason needs the work!�

Somewhere, Michael Richards is punching the wall, wishing he still had a career.

The ABC network announced this week that Victoria Beckham will guest appear on an upcoming episode of the spit-fire hit �Ugly Betty�. A spokesperson for the network said, �Before she films her guest spot, the network must work to thaw out Posh Spice�s face, as she has been showing absolutely no emotion about taking the role.�

British actress Keira Knightley has had enough of the media's fixation with her looks, weight and figure, and urged people to focus on her films instead. I�m worried. About 3 years ago, we heard the same thing from Lindsay Lohan. Something to think about.

A Seattle man was punched out in a karaoke bar after singing his version of the Coldplay song �Yellow�. Oddly enough, the Seattle man who was punched out was James Blunt.

Troubled pop star Britney Spears has released her first new song in years on the Web, a single called "Gimme More" that is expected to hit radio airwaves as early as next week. Spears� song is based on �Oliver� the little orphan boy? Oh, and Britney, �Gimme More� is not proper grammar. Said properly, �give me some more�. Of course, you would only know that if you got anything better than a goddamn GED! And you know what the worse thing of all is? You�ve procreated two bastard children that freaking� babysitting you!

A spokesperson for the White House said that the President is set to attend an economic summit in Australia next month. Don�t expect Bush to learn much, outside of the fact that everyone in Australia talks like �Crocodile Dundee�.

Starting this fall, Patricia Heaton returns to prime-time on FOX�s new sitcom �Back To You�. Fox, where �Everybody Loves Raymond� cast mates come to get cancelled and die.

Amy: What are you talking about?

Seth: Ah, Brad Garrett�s show is on the edge of a cliff�and now Patricia Heaton is doing a show, that will get cancelled quicker than��Anchorwoman�.

Amy: Eh, okay.

Seth: And let us not forget, Jeff Foxworthy was not the first choice to host �Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?� Originally, it was going to be hosted by Peter Boyle, and he took the high road, and died.

Amy: You do have a point.

Seth: And let us not forget for a moment, Kelsey Grammar is on �Back To You�. I was starting to wonder what happened to Doctor Frasier Crane. Well, now we know.

A man known for brokering deals involving compromising celebrity photos and videos has agreed to plead guilty in a plot to extort more than $1 million from Tom Cruise for the actor's stolen wedding photos, according to court documents unsealed Thursday. Apparently the pictures show Cruise being �Top Gunned� by another man�and worshipping a fat headed moving head named L. Ron Hubbard and�being very short. Remember, he�s Tom Cruise, homosexual alien midget, �HAM� for short.

This being Labor Day weekend, we�d like to ask a question. How can you make your Labor Day hot dogs better tasting? We�ve invited a grill master to join us tonight and answer our fundamental question of existence, Mr. Ralph Nader!

Ralph Nader: Hot dogs are made of rat hairs and pig intestates. (Cut to Seth and Amy about to bite into hot dogs) You do know that, right?

(Cut to Seth and Amy vomiting under the desk)

Amy Poehler: (wiping her mouth) Ralph Nader, everyone.

Seth Meyers: Who doesn�t love hard facts and a vomit take?

News out of the Michael Vick dog fighting case. Vick�s prosecutors have cut a deal with the district attorney. Michael Vick will not do any jail time, pending the new agreement. The Atlanta football star will be barred from doing any and all �quarterback keepers�. He will only be allowed to pass and do hand-offs to the running back. Tough decision.

Singapore Airlines this week bought a piece of the enchanted China Eastern Airlines. This move will lead to what we all saw coming, the canings are free, the peanuts will cost you!

Actor Richard Gere is urging China to boycott the Beijing Olympic Games next year. Richard Gere, get off! Just because the Dalai Lama says so, that doesn�t mean anything. Now why don�t you go film another overrated flick that will be seen by no one and feel sorry for yourself?

Australian Prime Minister John Howard said this week that he�d like to bond a climate control plan without binding emission goals for the future. Howard also said, he�d like to find a new kagaroo that is clean. The last one he had, he believes, gave him worms and a bout of the flu�also a handful of STDs.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki said this week that criticism from Washington has sent signals to militants who then stir up car bombings and other militant rage that leads to countless deaths. Oh shut up! They were going to do it anyways. Get back to us when you�ve come with a reason as to why you haven�t been blown up yet!

And now here with a personal commentary is our own Jason Sudeikis!

Jason Sudeikis: Thanks. You know, I think people are making too much of a big deal about the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana. I�m not the only one out there who thinks it�s kind of been blown out of portion. Who shares my opinion? Queen Elizabeth. Really, why are we mourning the death of a woman who died in car crash 10 years ago? She wasn�t even the Queen. She was just a princess. She was freakin� Paris Hilton with nicer rack and hot British accent. Did she deserve to die? No, probably not. But wait, maybe she did! Hey, Princess Di, your nickname was Princess Di, like death wasn�t in the close to near future? Kind of an ironic name. Di, did you deserve to die that night? No. But maybe you shouldn�t hire a chauffeur that drives like Gene Hackman in �The French Connection�. Too old a reference? Okay, Robert DeNiro in �Ronin�? Matt Damon in the �Bourne� series. Like Dale Earnhardt in the final turn of the Daytona 500! Yeah, you heard me! Deal with it folks, she was just a woman�probably backseat driving�telling the driver to stop and ask for directions�he couldn�t take it any longer�so he slammed the car into the tunnel wall at 60 mile per�like I would have done. Thank you.

Seth Meyers: Jason Sudeikis everyone!! For Weekend Update, I�m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: And I�m Amy Poehler, good night!

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