VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1234 ]
Subject: Re: PWP


Author:
jean
[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Date Posted: 06:12:01 02/19/04 Thu
In reply to: 's message, "Re: PWP" on 20:31:22 02/18/04 Wed

He was silent, but she felt him stir beneath her. The words he wanted to say making him uncomfortable.

The second is a fragment. It also skates POV issues. Perhaps a word or two that puts that moment in CJ's perception? It's a good moment, and one she might guess his movement mean: his supressed words.

. . . feeling her own body, and his, twitch at the loss . . .

don't think you need those commas.

They already had one…mess…to clean up . .

I'm not fond of the ellipses here. But yeah, do play up the concept of the physical mess as well as the emotional mess, too -- push it more.

...to run through their options; and to her dismay . . .

comma, not semi

There you go!

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]


Post a message:
This forum requires an account to post.
[ Create Account ]
[ Login ]

Forum timezone: GMT-8
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.