BE WARY.... LONG WITH PERHAPS TRIGGERS!!! -- EEYORE'S EASY ANSWERS

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Date Posted: 18:56:47 04/05/00 Wed
Author: Kat
Author Host/IP: spider-tq084.proxy.aol.com / 152.163.201.84
Subject: BE WARY.... LONG WITH PERHAPS TRIGGERS!!!

To all who's life I may have inadvertedly affected or harmed.... I am in a bad space at the moment. I know through hours of counseling, mine, as well as that that I give, I should do the opposite of what I am about to do. I am going to pull away and disappear for awhile. My life is so full of stress and pain at this moment, this day, these last 11 days that I am of no use to others. I have no good things to say. I have no support to offer. I am not even a good friend. I have never been good at reaching out and asking for help. But each time I was able to do so ... each of you were there for me. Each of you care. The problem lies within me! NO ONE ELSE!!! I will survive, somehow I always do. even when I don't want to.

My marriage is pretty much on really rough rocks at the moment. He is in his cave, I am afraid to talk. Such is life. I turn to my "best friend" she says all the "right" things but I find out that she is talking about the things I confided to her with others. A good friend right? My husband doesn't trust me because I was once, 12 years ago, very pron to rages, crying, screaming, and a not good person. I don't do any of that any more. I don't. Trust is a major need in my life and over the past 4 days have found out that not only can I not trust my best friend, another person that I thought I could trust I can't, and now someone I truly care about doesn't trust me. What a wicked web I weave!!! just tears...........Thank goodness for counseling, right. So instead I keep my rage, my hurts, the emotions and turn them on myself. That form can be anything from self abuse, i.e. over eating, head banging, beating myself purple, to self medicating. I know you are all going to worry and I would too if it were any of you. But, I am NOT suicidal. Don't have a plan or anything, honest. *grin* like who would trust me right!?? But seriously, I have no plan other than sitting in my corner with my blankie and crying buckets of tears. I have my job and my precious kids. If I didn't have my kids then you would have a real reason to worry. But I have seen the guilt and pain that a suicide in a family brings up close and personal, so I would never do that to MY kids. I am being honest with you.
I called my HMO to get referred back to my therapist and they said NO. Because I was not in the ER or on a psych ward harming myself or others. And I can't afford $120. an hour! They said I was not acute enough! So on top of everything else in my life, my insurance people don't think I am depressed enough yet. :( aren't i lucky.

I need to disappear for a while before I end up destroying one of you. I am really good at that! I tend to destroy those lives that I touch. Ok not destroy... but hurt them pretty badly.

I am truly sorry for all the sadness I am inflicting, because I know that you all care. and it makes it very hard for me because I care for you.

please forgive me.
Kat

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Replies:

(((((Kat))))) -- Iowablue, 19:46:12 04/05/00 Wed
- Re: (((((Kat))))) -- Gem, 22:10:40 04/05/00 Wed
What ever you wish or decide i am with you... -- Deb, 22:47:53 04/05/00 Wed
Re: BE WARY.... LONG WITH PERHAPS TRIGGERS!!! -- Valeria, 05:47:38 04/06/00 Thu
KAT -- Solie, 06:05:30 04/06/00 Thu
((((Kat)))) -- shan, 09:05:36 04/06/00 Thu
Re: BE WARY.... LONG WITH PERHAPS TRIGGERS!!! -- Walnut, 19:32:38 04/06/00 Thu