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Date Posted: 13:31:19 11/25/02 Mon
Author: Thurman Skydive
Subject: History's Great Persecutions

(An official-sounding, hard hitting news-style theme starts to play, and finally a caption comes up which reads 'History's Great Persecutions'. We fade into a studio, and see Thurman Skydive dressed in a grey sports blazer, wearing bulky black glasses and a fake nose and moustache. He talks almost in monotonous documentary host fashion, and is surrounded by desks with piles of paper on them...)

Skydive: Hello everyone...welcome to another exciting edition of 'History's Great Persecutions'. Once again I am your host, Mr errr...Not Thurman Skydive?...yes, I am Not Thurman Skydive. Tonight we feature the persecution of one of professional wrestling's true greats. Tonight we feature somebody that truly is the epitome of manly man...ness. Tonight we feature the persecution of the exemplary person that is...Thurman Skydive...

(The pounding theme hits again as it shows various still shots of Thurman Skydive, before we go back to 'Not Thurman Skydive')

Not Skydive: Welcome to today's installment. And who'd have thought when MCW President and Owner Mike Johnson nonchalantly made a triple threat match to crown a new Cruiserweight Champion of the wrestling league, that he would have left innocent superstar Thurman Skydive open to such a vile and distasteful persecution and prejudice. Now as we spiral towards Hardcore Hell 2002, featuring interviews with the man himself, we aim to get the inside scoop on the persecution of Thurman Skydive!

(The hard hitting theme starts playing again, this time with still shots of Thurman Skydive during his pre-taped 'interview'...once more we go back to 'Not Thurman Skydive'...)

Not Skydive: We begin our persecution analysis with a look at the man who instigated a great deal of it himself. At the time of filming, we still have not officially been privaleged to his true identity, however, it is The Unknown that has returned to MCW, and proceeded to wage war on an unsuspecting Skydive. Recorded earlier today, we caught up with Thurman himself, and he gave us his thoughts on The Unknown...

(We cut to Thurman, sitting in front of a blue screen, with a sorrowful expression on his face...)

Skydive: The Unknown? Frankly I am ashamed to be associated with this individual. The guy shows up in this mask...picks a fight with me, then wanders why the hell I put up a vigorous verbal defence of myself and my character. He picked this fight, not me. It's not my fault that I'm going to have to beat him senseless and become the Cruiserweight Champion. He brought that on himself. I didn't want to have to do it. I mean, this guy has apparently made an entire career from beating me a couple of times. That's his only past achievement he ever seems to realise. I mean the guy made me look like such a loser that I don't deserve to be called by my own name anymore...

(Thurman lifts the camera up and points it at the ceiling. When he lowers the camera again he is sitting in the same position, but with the fake nose and moustache on again...apparently back to his documentary hosting alter-ego, Not Thurman Skydive)

Not Skydive: Yes, that was absolutely tragic. What kind of man can be so insulting and derogatory that they refute a fellow man's right to be referred to by their own name?

Skydive (after whipping off the nose and moustache): I quite agree. It's almost heinous. But rest assured Mr Not Thurman Skydive. I will overcome...I have to overcome. For the love of my dead Aunt...oh wait, thats Unknown...but for the love of some dead person that ISN'T Unknown's precious little dead Auntie dearest, I VOW to become the new Cruiserweight Champion.

Unknown is a big dancing goofball with no respect for my career or my own sense of self-esteem. He makes wild suggestions that I won't be able to beat him, that I lie in my bed crying with my teddy bear...Damnit Unknown...I DON'T LIE IN BED CRYING! Teddy is only there for moral support whilst I sleep you stupid ass f*ckwit!

Not Skydive: You have a teddy bear? That is such an impressive thing...

Skydive: Well I don't like to brag...

(Thurman is a little flustered from whipping his disguise on and off, but it doesn't matter as we go back to the studio, where Not Thurman Skydive stands looking sombre, leaning back against a desk...he knocks over a stack of papers and starts picking them up from the floor...)

...

...

Director: Hey Thurman...you're on again!

Not Skydive: What...Oh wait...(adjusts fake nose)...Much better. As you can tell ladies and gentleman, the actions of The Unknown since the conception of the triple threat match can be described as nothing short of poopy-headed. Yet there was more prejudice, more persecution of Thurman's wholesome, family-orientated approach to professional wrestling.
The decision to have a triple threat for the Cruiserweight belt at Hardcore Hell brought another man into the equation. The man known to his few fans as C4, the Caged Crippler Chris Ceslar also unleashed a sickening an unprovoked verbal rollicking of the man affectionately known by millions as the Thurmanator. In two promo's which ensured lifelong pro-wrestling fans would find something better on TV to watch (like bowling, or Lamb Chop's Play Along) Ceslar launched into scathing criticism of Skydive...a move which was met with abhorrence and disgust even in such outlandish hellholes as Ohio...or the headquarters of the UN...

(Again we fade to the pre-taped interview, to Thurman Skydive as he wipes a tear...of laughter...out of his eye.)

Skydive: Man I loved that joke about the dyslexic man and the bra...where were we again?

Director (off screen): You were talking about C4...would you hurry it up, we have better things to do than shoot a guy who's been drinking too much...

Skydive: C4 eh? Explosive dynamite like substance. Often used to inflict severe damage to an opponent inside a wrestling ring...EXCEPT in the case of the C4 known as Caged Crippler Chris Ceslar. Granted he is a hoot. I mean, I almost fell off my chair laughing at such comically ingenius lines as Thurman's gonna be a 'cruiserweight jackass'...or Thurman's 'MCW hardcore b*tch'. I figured I'd take the time to talk like C4...so maybe he'd understand quite how much he really is a lame-o...

B*tch...B*tch...B*tchy B*tch...B*tchy McB*tch...slap my b*tch up...b*tch my slap up...Ceslar is a worthless b*tch...who should learn to say b*tch less...B*tch

Dear God what a cretin he is. Talking about me stopping a goddamn countdown. It's ironic coming from him, a guy who doesn't even know how to count at all...let alone count down. I'd say I was gonna beat him to pieces, and leave him with so many lost braincells he'd be left more retarded than the dude I met last week at Shiny Pines Home for "Special" People...except it's mission accomplished before the f'n bell rings.
(Thurman mocks C4's counting to three...)

Skydive: Done...Dwo...DEEE!! Me can count mommy...me can count!
It's funny coz he found a camera man that's just as retarded as he is! Somebody should tell that proletarian that his $50 would've been better spent on something else...like an education

(The pounding theme plays again, and we return to Not Thurman Skydive sipping coffee in the studio. Once more he doesn't realise he's on, and still doesn't realise as he spills coffee down his white shirt...)

Not Skydive: Oh sh*t...

Director: FOR F*CK'S SAKE WHEN WE COUNT YOU DOWN IT MEANS YOU'RE GOING BACK ON...IT'S NOT THAT HARD!

Not Skydive: Yeah but...you suck...enough said really. Where were we? Oh yes, back to the harrowing and distressing tale of the shining light of MCW, known as Thurman Skydive, and the savage attempts to rip away at his decency and credibility...
It was then that we heard despicable persecution of Skydive from a third, previously unsuspected source. Just days before the Hardcore Hell Cage Weapons Match, Thurman would receive a stark warning, disrupting his entire vigorous training regime...

(Back to pre-taped interview)

Skydive: Well all I had to think about at that point was...what have I done to Scott Cross, that made him so cross that he became Cross Scott? Is Cross like a picked last name for dear ol' Scotty because it typifies his every day mood. You know, like you approach him in the street, you say 'How ya doin' Scotty ya son of a whore' and he says 'I'm Cross'. You catch him trying to find a condom in his mommy and daddy's draw because he finally found a chick he could score with and you say 'Wassup Scotty-O' and he says...'I'm Cross'...

But then I figured it out. It all became so simple...he's in love with me! See at first when he said he was gonna finish with James Jones then come to 'get' me, I thought it was something...but then it all clicked in my head! Right now he and Da Maniac are in some kind of illicit love affair...but even the special bond they have between them wasn't enough to withstand the irresistable charm and modesty that makes the Thurmanator...the *Thurmanator*...if you get what I'm saying.

Basically I'm expecting him to try and woo me. Maybe he's going to buy me some flowers, or some candy...or that Latex Hyper-Pleasure 64 that my dying Grandmother said she always wanted...But he has other priorities right now, and I'm cool with that. I'll wait my turn. Once every other guy has turned him down...I'll turn him down too. I would like to ask him how hard it sucks when you get rejected by every woman on the planet...then every guy as well! Mellow out Cross Scott, there's enough Thurmanation to go around...and believe me I mean that in a purely me kicking your ass and taking the Unified title you presume you'll have...

(Back to the studio where Not Thurman Skydive is climbing on a desk, trying to swat a fly...before he sees the little red light on the camera again!)

Not Skydive (jumping off the desk): Well err...I thank you for taking the time to tune into the latest, and I think in all reality the best ever edition of History's Great Persecutions. See you next time...I'm Not Thurman Skydive...AND NEITHER ARE YOU...

(The hard hitting theme starts to play again and the credits roll...)

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