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Date Posted: 11:30:32 12/05/02 Thu
Author: Thurman Skydive
Subject: Open Season

(We open up with a shot of a man in a 'Hardcore Hell 2002' t-shirt on, bending over, his arms gyrating furiously in front of his waist and crotch area. Given that we're approaching from behind, you're all smart enough to figure out exactly what it looks like. The man is panting and gasping for breath, seemingly increasing speed as the camera gets closer and closer.
We're all most zoomed right over his shoulder now, as the man lets out one final grunt, then spins round with a huge smile on his face...it's Thurman Skydive)

Skydive: ALL DONE...damn that was good!

(The camera now slowly starts moving down Thurman's torso. We move down past the Hardcore Hell logo, down Skydive's midriff...then finally...the moment of truth! The camera adjusts its focus, and is now shooting...Thurman's Cruiserweight title belt!)

Skydive: Ohhh Yeah! There ain't nothing like polishing your newly one championship belt in the morning! Guess I don't need these anymore...

(Thurman tosses a tube of something down onto the table beside him, then a damp looking cloth rag next to it. Finally from off camera, and almost expectedly, everyone's favourite reporter chirps up...)

Reporter: I think you're supposed to take the belt off your waist when you're polishing it. This is valuable television time! Don't you have anything better to do than make yourself look like your masturbating?

Skydive: Masturbating? Who the hell says I look like I'm masturbating? Are you having some kind of sick thoughts about me Colin...coz if you are...

Reporter: Are we ever going to have a serious conversation...EVER!

Skydive: Maybe if one of us wasn't imaging the other one of us jackin' off we'd have more productive, intellectual, perhaps even philosophical discussions!

Reporter: Such as what? I doubt your capable of a discussion about multiplication tables...

Skydive: And what the hell's wrong with that? Multiplication's freakin' difficult! I was thinking more the philosophy of...ME BEING SO F*CKIN' AWESOME!! I'm the Champion dude...I am the Cruiserweight Champion! You know what that means?

Reporter: I don't care...

Skydive: It means I get to wear this shiny title belt wherever I go! Ain't it cool! And what I've noticed so far is this. When you turn this way...(Thurman turns)...the light catches the belt right over here...and you can see this section real good! Then you go the other side and...

Reporter: Would you shut up already!!

Skydive (not listening): And then there's the whole dilemma about how to wear the thing! I mean, it looks awesome around my fantastic waist...but then check this out!

(Thurman tears the title belt off, and shrugs it over his left shoulder...)

Skydive: You see this. Don't I look gorgeous with the belt over my shoulder! I'm a chick magnet normally...with this thing I've got like...chick gravity! I guess that's one of the benefits of being the Cruiserweight Champion. Being the Cruiserweight Champion means I get chicks, I get props...I get respect...

Reporter: It's just a...

Skydive: It's just what? This belt isn't 'just' anything! You don't see Chris Ceslar strolling around right now as Cruiserweight Champion do you? You know why...because I won the damn match! You don't see The Peabrain wandering around with this spectacular hunk of gold around his waist! That's because I beat his ass senseless, gave his mask to the crowd then let him bask in the glory of nobody giving a sh*t about him! I stole the show...I was the icon...I was the one the people came to see!

Hardcore Hell 2002...who really gives a damn that Crusher retained his World title. Nobody cares that Blade came out to beat up C4...definitely nobody gave a sh*t about Deadcell and Cypher! You know what that pay-per-view will be remembered for? It was the day Thurman tore the house down! You don't see that kind of match just anywhere...that was a bonafide Thurmanation just like I promised!

Reporter: But why did you pull Pebble's mask off...you'd already won the match. That was adding insult to injury!

Skydive: Well what the hell do you want? You don't get anywhere in this place by being a nice guy. Pebble picked that fight, not me! He came back to MCW and figured it was a good thing. He figured he'd come back, take me back to stonehenge and have his way with me...WELL EAT THIS!

(Skydive holds the title belt right in front of the lens...)

Skydive: That's right chucklehead, just like before, it's Thurman Skydive who's the man. I got the belt...I got your dignity...I got your big comeback and threw it into the crowd with your lame mask. You ask why I tore his mask off and beat the crap out of him some more, well it's real simple. I'm making a statement. I'm making some ripples...that my friends, was IMPACT! You wanna screw with Thurman Skydive. You wanna pick fights with me, you wanna get in my business...then I will take you out...

(Thurman drops the title belt from his shoulder, and places it on the table, looking down on it with pride...)

Reporter: Well at least for MCW, the new Cruiserweight division got off to scintillating start...

Skydive: That IS the case yes. But were you expecting anything less? Only a f*cknut would look at a match with Thurman Skydive in and not know it's gonna be 'scintillating' before the damn event kicks off. The Cruiserweight revolution begins here...begins now! I said I'm turning this belt into THE reason people watch MCW. You can talk about guys like Crusher, guys like Angry Scott, guys like Da Maniac, but the people...they're all coming to see what Thurman Skydive is gonna do as Cruiserweight Champion next.

Reporter: So what can we expect to see...

Skydive: Thurmanation baby! If you thought the match at Hardcore Hell was something, believe me...nobody ain't seen nothing yet. I'm declaring open season on this title belt. You want it, you come get it. Come to think of it, it's time for open season on Thurman Skydive. MCW, you know what this belt says? It says F*CK ALL OF YOU! You people can laugh at me, you can disrespect me all the hell you want. I'm climbing the damn ladder, and I will stomp on guys like Pebble's faces on the way up. You want some of the Thurmanator...bring it on! Just nobody say you ain't be warned of the consequences...

Reporter: B...

Skydive: This interview is over...get the f*ck out. I got belt polishing to do!

Reporter: B...

Skydive: Belt Polishing me...f*cking off you

Reporter: B...

Skydive: Me polish...you bye bye

Reporter: B...

Skydive: GODDAMNIT YOU STUTTERING DIMWIT...GET THE F*CK OUTTA HERE!

(scene fades...)

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