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Date Posted: 14:01:25 12/19/02 Thu
Author: Thurman Skydive
Subject: In Mourning

(We open up with an unusually small box...as it's lowered into a grave. The realisation that this could be the burial of a small child is sobering one, even when Thurman Skydive, dressed in a black suit and black tie, comes into focus. He has tears in his eyes, and his bottom lip is quivering...)

Skydive: I sure am gonna miss the little fellow...

(The casket-like box is lowered into the ground, as Thurman continues to look distraught. The only puzzling element of the shot is the world's favourite reporter, as he stands next to Skydive with a look of complete bewilderment on his face...)

Skydive: I mean...that little guy...he was always there for me. I can't believe that such a precious gift could be taken away so quickly.

(The sounds of Creed's 'One Last Breath' start to play, and a sob escapes Skydive's throat. Two guys dressed in similar suits start shovelling dirt over the coffin below...)

Reporter: So who was this person anyway Thurman? They must've been somebody really special if they touched you like this...you're normally the most self-centred, hard-hearted pricks around!

Skydive (fighting back tears): The...The tombstone's just been delivered. It's over there if you want to look. It hurts too much to even speak right now..

(Thurman gestures with his head as to where the tombstone sits, awaiting installation. The reporter wanders over...)

Reporter: Oh for Pete's sake...THIS IS F*CKING RIDICULOUS!!

(The music halts abruptly, and Thurman rounds on the reporter with a look of sheer fury in his eyes...)

Skydive: Have some goddamn respect you evil son of a b*tch. There are people in mourning here!

Reporter: Who the royal sh*t would they be then? The only people mourning are freaks like you! You're actually completely insane!!

(Finally we focus on the tombstone. The view of Thurman as a complete asshole is restored almost immediately - the heading reads 'MCW CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP'...)

Reporter: Are you telling me we just wasted all after-f*ckin'-noon filming you grieving over the fact that Johnson ended the Cruiserweight division and...wait a minute. You didn't seriously just give the title belt a full funeral did you?

Skydive: You damn straight I did. What the hell is wrong with that? That belt was one of the most important things in the world...and that asshole Johnson tried to throw it away like a piece of trash! Does that bastard not know what the hell that title belt represented? I went through Chris Ceslar...I beat the crap out of Pebble so bad that he got the hell out of MCW before I came back for seconds.

Reporter: But...YOU JUST BURIED A CHAMPIONSHIP BELT...and what's with that Jewish guy...and the Muslim...and that guy sitting on the floor??

Skydive: He's a buddhist...don't ask.

Reporter: Why are they all here?

Skydive: Well how the hell was I supposed to know what religion my belt followed. I figured I'd give it a funeral according to all these different faiths and see which one the belt liked best!

Reporter: This is nuts. I'm jacking this bullsh*t in. I'd rather waste away in an office than follow this fruitcake around any more...

Skydive: You're staying...and what's more you've got something to read at the Wake.

Reporter: I'm gonna...

(Out of nowhere, and with a psychotic look in his eyes, Thurman grabs the reporter by the throat, and shoves him back into a wall...)

Skydive: You *have* something to read at the Wake. You also *have* two choices. Read it and you continue to live as normal...refuse to read it, in which case I will rip your head clean from your body and use your spinal cord as a whip...

Reporter: O...O...Okay I'll read!

Skydive: Good. I have some things to sort out...I'll see you at the wake. Oh, and in case you're thinking of bailing out...WHA-CHHHHH (yes, that was a whip noise...you got a problem with that?)

(Thurman turns smartly and marches off to talk to the various religious people...and pretty soon starts arguing fervently with the buddhist...)

Skydive: Listen buddy, I really don't give a damn about how much meditation you have to do. Pack your cross-legged self back into your Ford Cortina and get the hell off my property...

(The argument rages on...and the reporter shakes his head, and we fade out...)

LATER AT THE WAKE...

(The reporter has an expression on his face that so obviously reads 'LOWEST POINT OF MY LIFE' he might as well have it written square in the middle of his forehead, as he walks up a small flight of stairs onto a makeshift stage...)

Reporter (looking down at the paper in front of him): Oh come on...this stuff is garbage...

Skydive (from back of the room): Read it...and read it with feeling, unless you want to experience a rapid ride through that wall behind you...

Reporter: Uhhh Thurman...that's a curtain.

Skydive: Oh would you STOP being such a smartass! You're one job is reading. Why do you always have to make yourself look like an idiot on my TV time?

Reporter (resigned to face his fate): My favourite Thurman Skydive - Cruiserweight Champion moment was the day he won the title, in what, in my own humble opinion, was the greatest match in MCW history. I particularly enjoyed it when he kicked so much crap out of The Pebble that Pebble's pants were stained brown and he ran away from MCW never to be seen again.
Thurman Skydive is my favourite wrestler for a variety of reasons, and I would now like to explain why...

1) He's a great wrestler
2) He is the biggest star in Midwest Championship Wrestling
3)...Okay there is no chance in hell I'm saying this...

Skydive: Say it...and say it like you mean it...

Reporter: But I don't mean it! You can kiss my ass before I say this!

Skydive: Correction, I *could* kiss your ass before you say it. Alternatively I could throw it through that window before you say it...I think I choose option B!

(Thurman gets up and moves over to the stage. He tries to pick the reporter up...but struggles to carry him due to his rotund build. He tries again...and again...until finally he snaps!
He reaches behind him onto the stage, and folds up a steel chair...THEN HITS THE REPORTER INTO THE HEAD WITH IT. Now he drops onto the stage next to the reporter...then puts him into the BronxMission!!)

Skydive: Next...time...I...tell you...that you find me...such...a stallion...that you'd like to put melted chocolate...all over my body then lick it off...YOU SAY IT!!

(The reporter is unconscious, and is in no fit state to say anything (complimentary or otherwise), and finally Thurman releases the BronxMission...and stares enraged into the camera..)

Skydive: See what you just saw is the reason why I am fed up with each and every single son of a b*tch in this company. They're all jealous of me. They all want what I have! They want the Thurmaniacs. They want the adulation from people the world over. Everybody wants to be as big a star as Thurman Skydive...and nobody can! Hell, even the owner of his tinpot operation sees fit to try and screw me over!

Who the hell is Mike Johnson? He seems pretty high on his own sh*t. Apparently he's a big star of the past. Apparently he's some big shot in MCW...but not quite as big a shot as me I'd wager! That phallus-probe wants to eradicate the Cruiserweight division, and destroy my Cruiserweight revolution...HE'S A SUMB*TCH! But he got what he deserved! Oh yeah, he damn sure did! Johnson, and this fat piece of crap right here in front of me, they all learnt that you do not mess with me...the purest form of unadulterated hatred on the face of the earth.

So I don't get to carry my gorgeous Cruiserweight title belt around anymore. It's gone to a better place...just like I'm about to. This big beef jerky reporter, The Pebble, Mike Johnson. The victims of Thurmanation continue to drop like flies...really really ugly ones too.

And from here there only really seems like one logical place to go. Seeing as I am, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the best wrestler in MCW. Seeing as I, am beyond a shadow of a doubt, the toughest bastard in MCW. Seeing as I am without doubt the greatest thing to come from the worst place on earth...It's time that I became a superstar!
It's always been the case that I've had to look at the people in the upper echelons of the MCW roster from far away. It's always been a fact that Thurman Skydive just doesn't quite have what it takes to get there...BULLSH*T!

The Pebble thought I didn't have what it takes, and look what happened to him. I ended the nutwrench's MCW career in one match! I am through being every body's b*tch.
I was here before, I was part of one of the greatest stables in this company's history. The Future of Wrestling. I was surrounded by guys that used my name and my talent to get to the top. They rode me and my Thurmanation like a cheap whore all the way to the top. That was then...and it will never EVER happen again.
I am on my way to the top this time...and on my own. Anyone crazy enough to come try and ride my back can take a hike. I'm not looking to take the carpool lane, this time IT'S ALL ME!

(The reporter starts moving, and uttering something about his shoulder, but Thurman hooks his hands in the reporters clothing, and sweeps him headfirst off the stage into a pile of chairs in the corner...)

Skydive: Johnson ending my Cruiserweight title reign...that was the last straw. Whether he likes it...whether any other of the suits in MCW front office like it...whether any guys in my path of destruction like it...my time is now. Thurman Skydive is now making his own luck, and f*ck it I'm laying down for NObody!
I've always said, and always known I'm better than everyone. Unfortunately for the aforementioned everyone...I've decided to start BEING the absolute best. See you from the top of the mountain!!

(Thurman shoves the camera off it's tripod, and it goes to static...and then we finally fade to black...the last shots of Thurman's ominously furious face!)

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