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Date Posted: 00:56:37 06/06/02 Thu
Author: THE NEWSREEL
Subject: BEN MISSING... PRESUMED DEAD

THE VALLEY, CA: WORRISOME POSTERS TO "PINBACK'S WEB CENTRAL II" CONVEYED UPON SANTA CLARA THIS WEEK FOR A MIDNIGHT VIGIL DEDICATED TO MISSING WEBMASTER BENJARMIN PARRISH, 30, ROLLER COASTER FANATIC. PARRISH HAS BEEN MISSING FOR THREE DAYS NOW. NO RANSOM DEMANDS HAVE AS OF YET BEEN MADE.

"OH BENJARMIN," EXCLAIMED ONE DENIZEN AT THE MIDNIGHT VIGIL IN BETWEEN SNACKING ON A BAG OF DATES, "OH, HOW I WEEP THE TEARS OF A THOUSAND HAND MAIDENS FOR YOUR RETURN! OH, ACK!"

THE DENIZEN THEN ATE A DATE.

"EVERYONE'S CAUGHT UP IN THAT GIRL FROM UTAH OR WHEREVER," STATED ANOTHER VIGIL-GOER. "WHICH IS FINE BY ME, BECAUSE IF I DO FIND HIM I'M GOING TO STUFF TEN POUNDS OF RUBBER EXPLOSIVE DOWN HIS MAW AND DETONATE IT WITH GLEE."

OTHER DENIZENS EXPRESSED NON-SENSIBLE, UNPRINTABLE SENTIMENT LIKE:

"DAYLIGHT TURNS US TO STONE"
"HURLZ THE FECES"
"LUCAS... AND HASBRO... ARE KILLING ME."

MORE ON THIS EXCITING STORY AS EVENTS WARRANT.

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