| Subject: I have IMSCF |
Author:
Marielle
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Date Posted: 11/13/05 3:15pm PST
In reply to:
Chris
's message, "IMSCF Syndrome ("I'm Spanish-Chinese-Filipino" Syndrome) in America" on 01/16/02 8:55pm PST
Oh...I didn't know there was a special name for this phenomenon, it is really interesting to read all this. I must admit, that I have this syndrom as well.
My dad is German and my mother is a Filipina. I think this whole idendity crisis I have, started very early,...I think it was in elementary school. Being raised in Germany I noticed very fast, that I was different in appearance to other people here. Although I was always treated nicely, I never really felt as if I belonged here. I was never taught Tagalog, my first language was English (which degenerated a bit since I lived in Germany all my life), then came German.
I got this IMSCF-syndrom from my mother who often told me that I was also part spanish and part chinese. So I guess after some time I got the feeling, that it wasn't something to be proud of, being part filipino and all. If somebody asked me about my origins, I always quoted my mother.
In the course of my life I met with other asians like Chinese and Japanese, and very often I was treated badly, I felt as if I was looked down upon. I asked myself if it was due to me having a darker skin color and being part filipino. Later I was shocked and disgusted to learn that many poor Filipinas are involved in sex trafficking and such. I didn't feel pity at first, I just felt ashamed.
Being young and trying to mix with people and belong to a community, it is very important to be aware and clear about your identity, so I tried to see myself more as a German (since my dad is German, I lived in Germany all my life and I think and speak German)...which turned out to be harder than one might think.
You see, Germans are ashamed of being German. Since WW2 this nation has a major trauma/complex. You are brought up with this really harsh feeling of guilt, allthough you and your parents were born after WW2. Even in the media all people are so insecure of themselves, they feel ashamed and it all seeps into the young generations. One of the first things you learn is that you are a low and hated creature if you are German.
When I was 15 years old I visited Australia in an exchange program with my school class. I will never forget one evening when I was sitting in a restaurant with two of my german girl friends ans two australian boys. We were talking about different things and then one of my german friends said that once she grew older she wants to go to the US for good and change her citizenship, because it is a shame to be a German. Allthough I was a pretty insecure kid myself at that time, I felt even more ashamed for her inferiority complex.
I love Germany, but although I was born and raised there, and behave like a German, I don't feel like a belong here. My outer appearance makes me feel alien. On the other hand, I think the Filipinos are one of the friendliest and most heartful people on this planet, and since I look like one, I really wish I could belong there. But I don't speak the language, have not been brought up in the culture and probably don't have the same mentaliy I should have in order to belong.
It's a really terrible feeling of not belonging anywhere.
Although I know its not important where you come from but what kind of person you are, I really wish I could belong somewhere too.
But still I think you shouldn't be mad at people who are insecure and ashamed of themselves. The ones who are truly detestable ones are those people who look down on other people because of their race/color etc.
Thanks for reading.
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