Part two of ...whatever the hell this is ... -- Fictional Getdown

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Date Posted: 23:36:51 08/14/03 Thu
Author: Brookie
Subject: Part two of ...whatever the hell this is ...

I have had some of the strangest experiences with guys since I've been in college, but the last one, the one that mattered most to me, basically made me feel like this, only I never got the chance to say it.

Brookie

�I can�t take this anymore. This waiting, this wanting. And there�s really no explanation for the way I�ve been feeling �or for why I�m still feeling it.� She ran her hands roughly through her hair and shook her head at the position she was now in.

She flinched as he took a step towards her and reached for her arm. �Courtney, I ��

�Don�t. I don�t want an explanation. I don�t want your understanding. I don�t want any of that. It�s not something that needs to be understood. It�s just �there.� Pacing wasn�t even helping her anymore. The anxiety and energy that were now coursing through her were fueled by her anger towards herself. She had spent so long controlling her emotions and knowing the limits that needed to be placed on her actions that she couldn�t stand now not having that power.

She almost laughed. Now that she was flailing her arms in time with her step she noticed him biting his lip. All this time. All these months she had wanted him to react to her, to notice her. And now that he finally was, it wasn�t how she�d wanted it. Now that he was, it was only because she had finally become so fed up with her own adolescent fantasies that she couldn�t stand another day playing the role of the scared little girl with an impossible crush.

�Look, Justin, I know you must be wondering what in the hell this is all about and I wish to God I could explain it to you. But I�m afraid this is one of those incredibly few times in my life where I actually allowed myself to act before I could truly think it through, otherwise, I swear to you, I never would�ve done this.�

�Courtney, slow down. You�re rambling and I can barely understand you.� He said this, even knowing it was more than likely she was no longer hearing him.

�I know we haven�t seen or even really spoken to each other in months and so this seems just completely insane. And I�m not expecting anything from you either, I want you to know that. I�ve just become so tired of the way I rationalize things and overanalyze them just so that I can keep myself from acting and accepting any blame for those things that don�t happen. I mean, I never really expected you to act either, I just hoped you would. But then I had hoped that I would�ve acted as well. I mean, not that you had something to act on or even knew there was something there, on my part at least, to be acted upon��

He stepped towards her again and once more she sidestepped him. She was going to do this, even if she rambled the entire time, at least she could say that she didn�t let yet another opportunity pass her by. She would be chicken shit no more.

�No, just let me do this. I mean, it�s crazy enough that some girl you haven�t even seen in three months runs into you randomly and then drags you outside in the night to babble on incoherently for twenty minutes. Don�t you at least want to hear if she ever gets to her point?� She was breathing heavily now, but finally had the courage, or perhaps audacity, to look him in the eyes. She waited and when he at last nodded, imperceptible as it almost was, she continued.

�Okay, Court, moral of the story. That�s where we�re headed.� She brushed her outgrown bangs out of her eyes and commenced her pacing anew. �Okay, Justin, here it is. I liked you. Pretty much from the moment I saw you. And even though everyone kept telling me �well, it doesn�t really matter what they were telling me, the point is, I have never in my life had the guts to act on this sort of thing and I was just petrified of what your reaction might be. I don�t why, I guess it was just that I liked this whole friendship thing we had going on and then you were leaving for the summer and I figured if I screwed things up before you left I wouldn�t really be seeing you thereafter and then you did come back and it seemed things were that way anyway. And I was thinking about you too. More than I care to admit and definitely more than I should be telling you right now, but what the hell, right? I already pretty much seem like psycho stalker as it is.�

People were still bustling around them in the back entrance of the restaurant, but it was only now that she began to notice how many of them were taking notice of her. And yet, for once, such a public display didn�t seem to bother her. She was actually going to take the advice she would�ve given anyone else in her situation. How likely is it to see any of these people ever again? But more importantly, how likely is it to ever get such an opportunity such as this again?

One more deep breadth. �I had all these fears that my �revelation� was going to change things for us. That you wouldn�t like me back and all those things I was starting to believe were false. And then where would that leave us? Friends? No way. It would be uncomfortable for you and damn near impossible for me. I had all these images of awkward conversation when thrown together with mutual friends after summer had passed. But as it happened, you and I didn�t really end up talking all that much anyway. And I missed it even more than I thought I would. And now �I don�t know, I guess I just feel like I�ve got nothing to lose. Well, except maybe a little dignity, but that was pretty much lost the second I began pouring my heart out in the middle of the night in the back of a crowded restaurant, huh?�

She turned towards him for the first time in God knows how long, not knowing what to expect. A sad smile, maybe? Amusement, rejection, remorse? Truth is, she had no idea what she found. It was just him, plain and bare.

�I just wanted you to know. I wanted you to know that you pretty much blew me away from the first time I saw you. Any barriers I had built up over the years were knocked down the second you walked into my life. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn�t get you off my mind.� She shook her head grimly. �Maybe that was wrong of me or selfish, I don�t know. I just couldn�t stand wondering if I�d done the wrong thing any longer. There�s nothing worse than the thought that if only I had done something � So now I�ve done something. Besides, it couldn�t have been that great of a friendship if I had so little faith in it, right?� She rubbed at her eyes. The inertia that had thusly been carrying her through was wearing off and now her emotions were beginning to unveil. It was more tiresome than she imagined.

He took another tentative step towards her as he saw her breaking down, but she held her hand up against him. �Just don�t.� She turned back towards him one more time as she walked away. �I�m sorry.�

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