Author:
AV
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Date Posted: Thursday, December 11, 2025, 03:21: am
Emily,
Things to understand and know. When an older child begins withholding bowel movements, it can be confusing and concerning for parents, but it’s actually more common than people realize and it is completely treatable. That is the good news.
Withholding isn’t misbehavior. It’s usually the body’s response to pain, fear, or embarrassment. When a child holds, it stays in the colon too long, becomes harder and larger, and hurts to pass. That pain then makes the child afraid to go again, creating a difficult cycle. Many 12-year-olds withhold because of a past painful experience, anxiety about bathrooms at school, fear of being embarrassed, or not wanting to interrupt their activities. The most important thing you can do is remove all shame and help him understand what’s happening. Reassure him by saying things like, “This happens to lots of kids your age,” “It’s not your fault,” and “Our goal is to make it not hurt anymore.” Avoid pressure or comments that make them feel embarrassed. Establishing a predictable bathroom routine is key. For example, have him sit on the toilet for five minutes after breakfast and after dinner with no pressure to “produce trying to help him be calm to help his body relax. The number one goal is pain-free bowel movements, and that often means increasing drinking room temperature water, adding fiber, fruit maybe a banana, exercise or movement so the stool becomes soft and easy to pass. The school bathrooms may be a major barrier, so consider working with the school nurse so he has a quiet, private place to go during the day. Celebrate small steps, like sitting on the toilet without stress or recognizing the urge to go. If withholding has been happening for a long time, it will take patience, soft stools, a predictable routine, and reassurance from you. He can overcome withholding completely. Understand he is not being difficult, he is dealing with something that feels scary or painful, and with support, he can absolutely overcome it.
Things to say to help him.
“This happens to a lot of kids your age.”
Remember to normalize it. It removes the embarrassment.
“It’s not your fault. Your body is just stuck in a cycle, and we’re going to help it relax.”
This helps take away blame.
“The goal is to make it not hurt anymore. Once your body trusts the process again, everything gets easier.”
This will build confidence.
“You’re not in trouble. Your body just needs some help.”
This reduces anxiety.
Things not to say
“Just go,”
“You’re too old for this,”
“Why are you doing this?”
The goal is to help him feel safe, not stressed.
If you want to do enemas with him. This is extremely important statement. You take control, not a doctor or hospital. Do not make it worse for him. Help him.
I can tell you and others will agree, unless he is a gentle obedient willing young man, just giving him an enema will be a battle. I would recommend him drinking room temp water, adding fiber and front, bananas, and doing regular sits to train his body first. He needs to understand that by holding, the poop dries and hardens inside him making it harder for him to go.
Simply let us know what direction you want to go.
If you want to go in the direction of giving him enemas, mention it and advice will be giving to help. An enema will help him of course but you will have to have the mindset and determination yourself you are going to carry it out with a struggle coming from him. Let me know what direction and help and support is here.
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