Re: "Tongues"-Chapter One -- Writer's Haven Guild Story Board

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Date Posted: 11:34:23 01/03/02 Thu
Author: Quartz
Subject: Re: "Tongues"-Chapter One
In reply to: FireFairy 's message, ""Tongues"-Chapter One" on 08:12:27 01/03/02 Thu

Lovely. You've changed it a bit since you've posted it on BCreek, but I think it's much better now. There was only one part I thought was a little awkward:

Thuplia looked from human to unicorn. "Nevertheless,
you know the punishment. You will not be punished
since you had not to do with it. But the human..."

"Serphia." she corrected her.

"Serphia." she repeated.

"Serphia, leave now. Do not stop for anything. My
people and I will hold them off, so you can get out of
Jerick. They can't send calls for help out of the
country. Don't come back for at least five years. Do
you understand?" Santre said, knowing they would not
understand. Myca nodded to the confusion of the herd.

All the 'she's are a little confusing, and I couldn't tell Santre was talking until the end of the last paragraph. I would write it like this:

Thuplia looked from human to unicorn. "Nevertheless,
you know the punishment. You will not be punished
since you had not to do with it. But the human..."

"Serphia." Serphia corrected her.

"Serphia." Thuplia repeated.

"Serphia, leave now." said Santre, knowing the unicorns would not understand. Myca nodded to the confusion of the herd. "Do not stop for anything. My
people and I will hold them off, so you can get out of
Jerick. They can't send calls for help out of the
country. Don't come back for at least five years. Do
you understand?"

But then, the '"Serphia," Serphia corrected.' is rather awkward too. ::shrugs:: Besides that one part however, I think the story's terrific. And I always liked Helkwe. :^)

~Quartz
[And thanks for dedicating it to me, too!]

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Replies:

Re: "Tongues"-Chapter One -- FireFairy, 05:45:08 01/04/02 Fri