Re: Does anyone ever feel that they are crazy? -- LIMBOLAND

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 21:33:16 10/03/00 Tue
Author: Sara (Kira)
Subject: Re: Does anyone ever feel that they are crazy?
In reply to: MelanieMarie 's message, "Re: Does anyone ever feel that they are crazy?" on 11:44:59 10/03/00 Tue

> Sometimes I feel a
> little guilty about even seeking medical attention for
> the stuff I'm going through. I feel like it isn't bad
> enough.

This struck a chord with me... I just wanted to say "exactly..."

> It's hard isn't it? When I first started on my journey
> to find out what was wrong with me I thought I
> wouldn't stop until I has some answers. But we get
> such mixed signals from the medical community. At
> first, if you are lucky , they will order the tests.
> But when they come back negative everything comes to a
> screeching halt. No answers are answered by no
> answers. We are literally set adrift on our own.

The tests are done for now; I'm trying to get on with it; most of the time right now I think I'm just crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe we all are. But I don't buy it.

If I hear that it's "stress" one more time... It's kind of funny. I have an exam in psychology class on Thursday and was reading through the textbook tonight. I came across a page that had a scale on it for rating how much stress a person is under... called the SRRS scale... it lists a bunch of stressful life events and gives them point values. I decided to take the test... I filled it out once for how things are now, once for how things were in May (during finals), and once for how things were in late June/ early July (right before I got sick). The results were funny to me... I got a score of 74 points for May... a score of 88 points for June/July... and a score of 429 points for right now!!!! (The scale is such that a low score indicates less stress and a high score indicates more stress). I am going to show this to the next doctor who even dares to suggest that my symptoms were caused by stress... I'm so much more stressed now that this has gotten in the way of my life than I was right before this all started! It was the beginning of summer vacation... the LEAST stressful time of year.

I go in and they see that I'm young, I'm female, I'm scared, and that they can't find a reason for my symptoms. Four strikes against me... before I've barely opened my mouth.

It makes me scared about what things I should and shouldn't call about. It makes me feel guilty for taking up their time with "complaints" about symptoms that "make no sense." I feel scared to go to the doctor about ANYTHING right now because the more things that are on my chart, the more of a hypochondriac I look like. Quite frankly I need to do the best that I can to look like a credible patient.

I am doing the little things just right so that they can't use the cop-out things to blame this on. Not calling anymore between visits, no matter what, unless something really bad happens (lose vision, can't use a limb, etc), so that they can never accuse me of "crying wolf". Eating so well that they shouldn't be able to find a thing to criticize with that. Getting my eight hours of sleep (usually more). Keeping up on my homework so it can't stress me out. I got a different job so this can't get blamed on that. Taking walks every day. Spending time with my boyfriend and my friends. Haven't touched alcohol, caffeine, nicotine... not even ibuprofen... in weeks. Keeping myself relatively sane, not making myself a pest to the doctors at all.

And some days are good. Sometimes the sun is out and it's not hot or cold and you're sitting on a chair looking out over the lake at the terrace and you've got a book and a cold drink and sitting across from you is someone you love and its calm and beautiful and you know things are good. Yeah, some part of my body is tingling, or my eyes blur as I read and I have to keep stopping to look out at the lake instead, or my calf muscles are moving on their own, or whatever weird things my body decides to do that day. But I've learned that your mind can still feel pretty good even if your body doesn't. Some seriously ill kids taught me that through their play.

Sorry this got so long.

You guys, we have to be clear on one thing if we're going to get through this: We're NOT crazy. My doctor (the one I like) said it right... he said "sometimes we're just not smart enough to figure it out, and we have to wait until it either goes away on its own or until the picture gets clearer and it makes sense."

We're NOT crazy. We're just waiting.

--Sara

PS My name is "Kira" on MGH and on my other post here... my real name is Sara but I dunno... when I registered on MGH I felt weird about putting my real name. But I'm Sara, pleased to meet you all :)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Re: Does anyone ever feel that they are crazy? -- MelanieMarie, 10:19:59 10/04/00 Wed