| Subject: Indigos departure |
Author:
Cricket
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Date Posted: 07:56:12 02/16/03 Sun
Indigo is gone. She left last night. I find myself weighed down by it, for many reasons. It is not just that the full care of Trevor is now in my hands..and it is not just loosing her service..it is much more than that. What pains me, is the loss of trust.
Out of everyone..ever since I have had her, I have been able to trust her. There was a time, she would have given her life rather than say a word.
Now, I suppose, it will be Aloysius to whom she gives her devotion. I am suprised at how very jealous I feel.
I know that had I made a different decision that night in the cave, she would still be here. Hindsight does me no good of course..I cannot change things, and Ill not start doubting my decisions now..but I regret having had to make them.
I ken the man really does love her..its in his eyes and the way he so hatefully looks at me. But is love enough? I dont know. I have given up on the complexities of such things. I loved Shinjo..and I loved Ciro..but do I still? It is much easier to say yes..but I simply feel numb. Yet I remember, to what lengths I went for both of them..how at times..my life was forfeit if but for one more look...one more touch. How many years did I put up with Ciro, simply because I loved him? Too many I think now..but would I have changed it? no..and I suppose that gives me some understanding into Indigos actions.
She deserves a chance at love..and although I believe Aloysius will inevitably break her heart..perhaps tis not even my place to say she should never have that chance. For all the years she has so well served me, I could do no less than let her go.
Taking care of Trevor is not easy..and I find myself about ready to pull my hair out daily. Majidah is so often gone, as is her way, but Keln cooks for us, and Trevor seems happy enough. I suppose there are many who would laugh at me now, so see what my days have become..but I cared not then, and I care not now. Every day I spend with Trevor could be my last, and that is never far from my thoughts.
He misses his "Ineego" terribly, and at least every hour asks of her..but Keln is able to comfort him with stories, and he is easily distracted by other things. Now if I can just talk him into a bath.
R'Auco has not returned, and I hope it is some time before he does. The longer the better, that he cannot sniff the girl down. I should have warned Aloysius a little better..but he has won the girl..let him take care of all the problems that come with it.
I say that bitterly..but in truth, I will do my best to keep R'Auco off her ass. I ken when the Beast knows she left for love..even he will not pursue her. We shall see.
Keln teaches Trevor about the ways of Lathander, and though it makes me cringe at the contrast of what the boys life will be..I say nothing, for the lessons need to be learned, that Trevor can make his own decision later in life.
Every day that goes by gives me some hope, that his father is giving us every day possible. No..I Know that is the case..but how long can it last? a few months, a few years? I hope it is the latter, for the more time I have the boy, the more he can learn of other ways..and the more mature of a mind that his father gains..the less I shall worry about how he will be molded.
I can hear him now, yelling for me, for Keln, for Indigo..for anyone to come and see his castle..so I shall write more when I have the time.
~C~
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