| Subject: a story like another? |
Author:
stefano
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Date Posted: 06/11/09 2:09pm
PLEASE READ ME. PLEASE. Unfortunately the world is full of story like mine. I could write a book on the flow of emotions me and my girlfriend went and, above all, still go through. I will write only few lines on my life experience, and if only one person who would read me will change idea my life will have been worthier.
We lived and still live in two different cities (Paris and Luxembourg), seeing each other over the week end. We love each other, but this, as you will read below, doesn't count for what happened. Two moderate salaries and in junior positions, but smart and ambitious. We both study besides work. Sometimes we where speaking about children, we both wanted in the "future".
She got pregnant. Emotions in order: incredulity, surprise, light happiness for a little miracle of nature, thoughts on money/time/small house/study/work, rising preoccupations, discussion, waves of panic, proposal of abortion, silence, discussions, silence, cries, lack of sleep, decision to abort.
Decision founded on arguments like not enough money, impossibility to pursue our career and studies, living in 2 different cities, apparent simplicity in doing an abortion through a pill, and maybe we are always in time to do a baby in the future.
She goes to abort within 4 weeks, through the RSU pill. It goes smoothly, although with a lot of belly pain in some moments for her. We go back home. We don't speak for hours, both silent. In the days after we avoid the subject. The nurse at the hospital told us that usually couples realize fully what happens only some time later. She was right.
For me it happened in a subway, when I looked to a mother holding a baby. I looked at the little hand of the child holding the mother's one. I didn't see them, but only the hands connection. The reality opened in my guts, cutting them alive. Through that abortion, I refuse to hold that hand, I turned my shoulders to someone having part of my blood in his veins, my skin, my eyes. My face. I didn't let that face encounter mine.
It doesn't matter I love my girlfriend, it could have been a one night stand, that was part of me. That little hand looking for mine is haunting each and every single night. Sine one year, and it doesn't slow down.
I once had lunch with the CEO of my company. He had a son when it was still at university, without any money, he continued to study. He said that keep the baby was the best choice of his life and formed is character more than a MBA. You can imagine how I felt. No, I think you cannot imagine, and I hope you'll never feel that. Being aware of you biggest life mistake. Aware you will never do something worse in life, because you can't.
If the satisfaction, privilege, miracle, of seeing yourself in another human being is not worthy a little sacrifice, what is it, a job like millions, a diploma like millions, a house like millions?!?!? I feel ashamed for the reasons on which we based our decision upon.
Besides, I found out I have varicocele, and my fertility is very low and we will probably struggle to have children in the future.
Just don't do my mistake, save your sleep, your conscious, yourself into another human being. Think longterm, what is the value of a little hand looking for yours.
Stefano T. , Luxembourg
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