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Wednesday, April 15, 17:42:10

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Subject: just found out i'm pregnant don't know what to do Author: monica (scared and confussed) [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 02/ 5/07 12:27pm just found out iam pregnant, going for an ultrasound tommorrow to see how far along. I ahve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years, he is 38 and I am 30...he is a small bissness owner looking to find a new career path, since his current bissness is making him miserable. I am a nurse with a steady income, although not really enough to support both of us, let alone a baby. We have also been planning to move in the next year and a baby would complicate our plans...yet we both keep going back and forth between abortion and having this baby. We are afraid that the desicion to abort will only come back to haunt us later, but on the other hand don't feel it is fair to have a child you don't want...would we resent the baby? would we be able to support it finacially when we aren't exactlly finacially stable? We know that our families would be excited and supprtive, but we aren't really excited about the thought of a baby right now...but we don't know if we could really have an abortion...waiting to see ultrasound results to make any final desicion. Please any advice or anyone who has been here before? [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: just found out i'm pregnant don't know what to do Author: Melanie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/ 5/07 3:12pm When I got pregnant with my first child, I was 21, my husband was 28. He was on unemployment and I was barely making over minimum wage. I didn't notice a really huge outlay from having an infant, especially if you are nursing. It does add to your expenses, but how much depends a lot on you. There are also places that offer support and help with some of the "things" if you need it. Check out the Wal Mart clearance racks. You can get the most adorable baby clothes for a song and a dance practically. LOL You already have a child. If you have an abortion now, you will always still know that. It doesn't go away. Resentments are a hard thing to predict. However, in the many years that I have worked with and talked to women in unplanned pregnancies, I think I can only recall one person who had serious resentments, and that person also had an agenda so to speak. She was nursing those resentments. It's actually quite rare to bear long lasting resentments towards your child. It's not that you might never feel resentment, most people do at some time even with a planned pregnancy. It's human nature. The key really is what you choose to do with them. More likely and most often you will love your baby in ways you never thought possible. As for financial stability, personally I feel it is an illusion. Most of the time families have ups and downs in regards to their financial situation, and they manage with what they have been dealt. We have had times of dire want (frequently when I was pregnant), and times of plenty. They come and go. You survive, and you are stronger for it if you chose to be. You are in a better financial situation than I can recall being in with any of my three pregnancies (two unplanned, and one planned) and we've made it just fine. My youngest is now 23. My husband lost his job when I was 5 months pregnant with her. How much poorer and emptier my life would have been without her or without any of my children. It hasn't all been a piece of cake, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Do you want children? At 30, you don't exactly have forever. I know it sounds kinda "unpopular" to say that, but people nowadays think they have forever to have children. I finally came to the realization that if I waited until I was financially stable, I wouldn't have any kids. I've actually seen a fair amount of resentment, expense and regrets from women who wished they would have had a family and waited too long. Anyway, if you have a good ultrasonographer, ask to see the ultrasound. Then see how you feel. I know you are scared and ambivalent. That's really very normal. Having a baby is a very large change. But you can do this. If I can be of any help, just let me know. --Melanie

[> [> Subject: Re: just found out i'm pregnant don't know what to do Author: adrienne (im pregnant with my 2nd child) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/12/07 3:32pm im pregnant with my secand child my son is 13 months today i just found out im 5 weeks pregnant but not sure if i have had a misscarage because i had abnormal bleeding they still say im pregnant because it came out positive i have an ultra sound next saturday but im just worried how its gonna be with 2 kids mind you im happy and sad all at the same time me and my boyfriend are hoping to be getting married and do not see us seperating in the near future he wants to keep the baby if i am pregnant but will support me 100% if i decide that its too much if you have any opinions PLEASE let me know

[> [> [> Subject: Re: just found out i'm pregnant don't know what to do Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/13/07 10:45am Adrienne, I'm glad you came! I just want to let you know that abortion tends to tear apart relationships. So if you want to marry the father, you would be wise to keep your baby. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby! Maybe you two should go ahead and get married! ;) Lots of times a man really resents it when he wants the baby and she doesn't, but he feels he cannot say anything because he has no legal authority to stop an abortion, so he'll just sort of abdicate and say he supports you. It's hard to find out what they think in that situation, but the fact he wants him or her means that deep down inside there will be trouble if you harm the baby your love made. It is unusual for the father to be that supportive of having a child that early, especially because you aren't married yet. By now, your baby has eyes and fingers, and has had a heartbeat and brain waves for some time. Having two children close together is actually helpful, because they tend to entertain each other, and at that spacing, they tend to be very close. We had two children, and then adopted another, and the two youngest were about two years apart. When we put the younger in the room with the older of the two, she would climb into his crib at night and put her arm around him, and they'd sleep that way. He is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. I'm sure all that early love from a sibling was very helpful. When we adopted another one, our older adopted one was still breastfeeding, and he would come and ask for milk, and right afterward, before I had a chance to make more, the younger one would ask. He had some kind of abnormality (which we later cured through a natural diet), and he was diagnosed with failure to thrive. When the older one turned two, I told him, "your brother is having difficulty growing. You are getting my milk, and when he comes, I haven't had a chance to make more yet. So would you be willing to stop nursing?" And you know, from that day forward, he never asked again! We have a total of seven children, and they are VERY supportive of each other. In fact, they often live together to save money, including the married ones. I have lost count of how many different ways they have done this over the years. Homeschooling them made a tremendous difference, by the way. The oldest one is about five years older than the next one, and he grew up as a only child for awhile, and I think that was somewhat detrimental, although we all survived. :) But he is less social than the others. I grew up as an only child until I was six, and I was so lonely. I wanted a sibling so bad! You have your baby things, so it won't be real expensive. If you breastfeed, that will simplify things tremendously. You don't have to buy fancy equipment. Wear your baby on your body with a sling. It will be easier and much better for the baby, and you will have your hands free. I always took the youngest one with me. If you have some kind of practical problems, please let us know so we can help you find answers. We'll hope for the best with your situation. Please let us know what happens. We're here for you. Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: just found out i'm pregnant don't know what to do Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/ 5/07 7:09pm Hi, Monica, I'm very glad you came! Let me tell you a little about the financial issues we faced. We did pretty well until all of our children had been born. But at that point, our finances took a nosedive. We had multiple periods of time with no income at all. The longest was 9 months, and the second was 8 months. Altogether, they added up to years. But we managed. We never had to go on welfare. Family members helped us some, and we had other resources we did use, and used up, and then we borrowed money. But at no time did I ever think, these children are complicating our lives. I love them dearly, and I am thankful for each and every one! By the way, two of them were adopted. Our children never went hungry, and never lacked clothes to wear (although we came to relish going to the second hand clothing store: the selection is much better. And we always had a place to live. I think if we could face that kind of thing with seven, you are strong enough to face it with one! Seriously. Another thing: we moved late in my pregnancy with one of our children. The move was 2000 miles, and it was very draining. But I would never have dreamed of getting rid of her for that reason. She is priceless to me! And I recovered! Now about your specific problems. We have been small business people practically our entire marriage, of 41 years. I know what it's like to launch a new business. We did it several times. Yes, it leads to uncertainty. And we aren't exactly well trained in dealing with uncertainty. I sense that uncertainty is what is bothering you the most. But in reality, LIFE is FULL of uncertainties, and the quicker we learn to roll with the punches, the better. You will grow emotionally and in personal resources through this experience, and when the next challenge comes along, it will be easier to face. Run away from your challenges, and you will become weaker. There is also the probability that you will resent EACH OTHER if you have an abortion. It could destroy your relationship. It often does; most relationships don't survive an abortion. It is normal to be ambivalent about pregnancy during the first trimester. It's a hormone thing. It is RARE for a woman not to eagerly await the birth of her baby toward the end of pregnancy. If for some reason you just can't handle it, you can choose adoption. It is a good choice. Our younger daughter also adopted a baby, and he's doing great! Nowadays, you can keep in touch and know how your baby is doing. There is help with whatever you need out there. To find a volunteer agency in your area which will help you with practical problems, go here: www.pregnancycenters.org/ Babies aren't extremely expensive. Birthing costs can be high. Since you are a nurse, chances are, these will be covered by whatever health plan your employer has. If not, you can get free or inexpensive medical care from volunteers, and you can get help with other expenses. You can consider a homebirth. Midwives don't cost as much. Consider having a doula if you think that will be helpful. A doula may also be able to help you with costs; you can ask. But once the baby is born, costs can be minimal. You don't need fancy equipment. The baby won't care. The baby only needs your love and nurturing. You can put him or her in a dresser drawer to begin with if need be. You can get a used crib from a crisis pregnancy agency. You can breastfeed, which is VERY inexpensive. There are free diapers available in many communities; diapers are usually the only major expense. You can get free clothing from crisis pregnancy agencies, and other equipment, too. I agree with Melanie. Look at your ultrasound. You and your baby bonded hormonally right after fertilization, but most women are not consciously aware of this. Looking at the ultrasound will make you aware of the bond. Because of the bond, if you disrupt your pregnancy, you WILL react. And abortion isn't medically safe, either. You may be aware of women who have come into the emergency room with serious complications. Or you may not. But the number of women being butchered is horrendous. Please don't be one of those women! You are a lot stronger than you think. You CAN do it. Don't make that mistake you sense will haunt you the rest of your life. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby! Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: just found out i'm pregnant don't know what to do Author: Mary [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/ 6/07 6:52am Hello Monica, My heart goes out to you. I can say I know how you feel. But now, five months into an unplanned and previously unwanted pregnancy, I can say it gets better. I want to ask you to consider very carefully the decisions you have in front of you. No option you have will be easy. I terminated a pregnacy once, because, I was in the wrong place in my life. I won't characterize my feelings toward my abortion as regret. But I will never be the same. I often wonder what the child would have looked like or what the sex was. Not even growing this new life inside of me has erased what happened. It is burned into my mind. No, rearing children is not easy and is not cheap. I fear everyday that I am illequipt for motherhood. I know it will completely change my life. It takes great strength everyday to overcome these fears. But then, I am a strong woman, and I am glad of my choice to keep this child. I am almost five months and just got to see my son on an ultrasound. It took my breath away to see him waving at me. He is a miracle. Your choice is your own. No one, not your boyfriend, or your family or your friends or anyone who may give you advice can tell you which path is the right for your life. Assess your situation carefully and do not forget to listen to your intuition. Please update if you would like. The women here always have great ideas and encouragement. Best wishes. ~Mary~

[> [> Subject: HOW DO U KNOW IF UR PREGNANT? Author: oLiVIa (Im SoOo scared HELp pLEASE!!) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/27/07 2:34pm PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! I DUNNO IF IAM PREGNANT? BUT WHAT ARE THE SIGNS? OGF PREGNANCY

[> [> [> Subject: Re: HOW DO U KNOW IF UR PREGNANT? To Olivia.. Author: Shellie [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 03/27/07 3:45pm Hi Olivia, We have no way of knowing if you're pregnant or not. And although there are symptoms, the only real way to find out is to take a pregnancy test. You can find them for $8.00 and up at Walmart (I've even seen some cheaper than that). Or, you could get one for FREE at your local crisis pregnancy center. Please let us know that results. If you need support, we'll be here. Take care, Shellie

[> Subject: Re: just found out i'm pregnant don't know what to do Author: Donna [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 02/ 7/07 6:42am Hi Monica, Welcome to our little support board. Here you will find unconditional support. I can sense that you are very surprised by this pregnancy. My heart goes out to you as you struggle with emotion. Today is the 7th so you have had your ultra sound by now. My prayer is that yesterday was a turning point for you. That your little one truely became real to you and your feelings have completely changed. Like some of the other ladies stated, if we wait for the absolute perfect moment in our lives to have our children, most of us would be childless right now. God blesses us with our babies and therefore he will supply the needs. I think in today's society we..ourselves...place so much pressure on ourselves to provide our chidren with their wants. Children aren't born with those desires, the most important thing in a childs life is to have someone to love them and to fill them with the sense of security. I am a bargain maniac..you can have things for your baby without spending alot of money. You would be surprised at the beautiful childrens clothing in a consignment shop..ebay has alot to offer in this area..I've gotten so many things from there for less than 3.00..and they were beautiful items. I bet that your circle of friends would celebrate with you and host a baby shower for you. I am soo afraid that if you choose to abort your little baby you will be regretful and there is nothing you can do once you cross that line but to endure the regret. Words cannot express how I would feel to be able to have a baby right now. We've been praying to adopt for several years now. Think of placing that option on your list as well. I know that there are thousands of families just like ours praying for a miracle. Adoption plans are made from the deepest of Loves. I think you will find most comfort from the other ladies experiencing an unplanned pregnancy themselves. We, the ladies from Voy, care so much for all of you. We are here with open arms and hearts to listen and we will try our best to help you sort out your feelings. For most of us, we have experienced mommyhood so we truely know first hand the miracle of pregnancy, giving birth, and experiencing the many many joyous wonders that come in watching our children grow. My prayer is that you will allow yourself to experience this too. The first time you see your child, The first hugs, the first I love you's the first smiles will melt your heart into a thousand pieces and it's at that moment that you will definetly know that you would walk thru fire to protect your child. Please update us when you can okay? Donna