Re: what should i do... -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Wednesday, April 15, 19:22:07

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Subject: Re: what should i do...

Author:
Pat

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Date Posted: 05/ 2/07 8:44am
In reply to: eileen 's message, "what should i do..." on 05/ 2/07 3:14am

Hi, Eileen,

I am very glad you have come and that you feel you have a safe haven here. You sound really levelheaded, and that is so important!

If your boyfriend doesn't want this child, that makes it much easier to disregard him when it comes to parenting. I don't know exactly why this thought struck me, but there are so many women who come here who want to make sure they can cut the father out of the picture!

Yes, this IS your child. No matter what choice you make, it will be hard, but from the messages of many, many women, abortion is the hardest choice of all, because many women never, ever get over the regret. You can never pretend it didn't happen. You will know. Your child is depending on you for your protection! She already has eyes and fingers, and has had a heartbeat and brain waves for some time.

Telling parents also isn't easy, but it would be much harder if they learned because you went and had an abortion and got hurt. In spite of what they say, abortion is dangerous. Your body was designed to protect your child, and the only way they can do an abortion on you is to hurt you in some way. It may be mild, or it could be quite severe.

Can you have a child and attend college? Yes! How do I know? Because I did it. In fact, by the time I got my bachelor's degree, I had FOUR children, three of them preschoolers.

There are resources available for you. Contact your local crisis pregnancy agency. They can help you feel settled about your desire to protect your baby, and help you tell your parents, and help you with your financial and material needs. Do you have a Pell grant? Why not apply for one? There are programs for young mothers that will help with costs. For example, you can get help from Women, Infants, and Children. I am assuming you live in the United States. Try to breastfeed. It is the healthiest, and it is also cheap! Babies don't need much: love, clothing (which can be used), a warm and safe place to sleep and live. You will grow with your motherhood. Also, check and see if your college has a College Outreach Program. This is a program that will help with things like housing and other resources. COP programs are started with the help of Feminists for Life. You can find their website here: www.feministsforlife.org.

You are already a mother. You feel instinctively that you want to protect your child. If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! Theory is one thing, but when you actually face the reality, it's a whole new ballgame. Your political views have nothing to do with your feelings, either.

If the father didn't want a child, he shouldn't have started one. It's easy to blame you. But it takes two to tango, as they say. It's not like you raped him or anything. Good grief!

Yes, it is hard, but it is worth doing. You shouldn't have to make a choice between your child and your college degree.

As far as your child having a father is concerned, yes, that is a consideration. But we have found that in most cases, a woman will find a man who will cherish them both. It takes a couple of years. Do what is right; be strong. The rest will come.

We will be here for you.

Hugs,
Pat

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[> Subject: Re: what should i do...

Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 05/ 2/07 12:56pm

Hi Eileen,

Well Pat said a lot that I thought was great. I also hear in your post that your instincts are directing you toward preserving the little life growing inside you. I think that's great, and while the challenges and questions you pose are very valid, I think you'll find a lot of women who were in your situation and found that life on the other side of baby worked itself out easier than they'd surmised. Not easy, necessarily, but easier than anticipated.

But more importantly is the permanence of abortion. Life circumstances (college, finances, mates, untold parents, etc) change constantly but abortion is forever. It should be weighed with that understanding. You can always work with circumstances in life. But once a new human life is ended it is so forever. A lot of women have a difficult time with that permanence and struggle years later with the 'what ifs.' I can't honestly say I've heard a woman who has opted to keep her baby say years later she regretted the choice to do so.

I'm sorry your boyfriend isn't willing to see his end in things right now. He may or may not stay around and regardless I agree with your wisdom in noting that it will be you who lives with whatever choice you make from here on out, so you should be the one deciding!

Pat's right, you're ALREADY a mother, it's just up to you to decide how to respond to that. If you feel a desire to nurture and protect the life inside you, go ahead and do it! You can call the abortion clinic back and tell them you've decided to have your baby. You can even walk away from the abortion table at the last minute if you choose to (it's happened plenty before!)

Regardless, I'm glad you found this board. There's a great group of women here, and most have had unplanned pregnancies and understand the feelings of panic and pondering that are normal to be experiencing. My only other suggestion would be not to 'react' to panic or something unplanned by aborting. So many post abortive women who struggle with the grief say, "I just felt like I had no other choice!" for one reason or another. I really wish women knew that they always have choices that can help them not have to abort. They shouldn't have to feel trapped by boyfriends/spouses/parents/careers or life in general.

It's normal to panic and want to react by making the perceived problem go away. But a decision as huge as whether or not to end a human life should be decided on more than fear and reaction for the health of the mother as much as anything else.

Hope I haven't talked your ear off! Feel free to come here and decompress anytime. :)

With Kindness,

Heather