Unplanned... -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject: Unplanned...

Author:
Erin (Confused)

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Date Posted: 06/27/07 8:15pm

Hi, I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend (hes 26) for a year and a half. I have always said when the conversation came up that I would never have an abortion if I got pregnant. I am old enough to take responsibility of my actions. At this point in our lives, we have been living together for awhile now, moving into a new apartment on Friday, he finally got an amazing job he had been wanting and I just got a promotion at my job. Everything is turning around for us, for the better. Then I found out last Thurs that Im pregnant. I still feel as though Im in denial about this whole thing. I cant/dont believe I actually have a little baby (5 weeks) growing inside of me. The reason Im writing is because my boyfriend is absolutly freaking out about this. He wants me to have an abortion. He says hes not ready for a baby. Im not either but I feel as though we have to deal with it. Its not planned, but its not the end of the world. So I was wondering what your advice on how to deal with him is. He says he absolutly does not want me to have it, he said it is going to ruin his life but now after a few days he said he doesnt want it but he will have to deal with it and try but he doesnt know whats going to happen or how hes going to feel. I think he will be fine but right now it is just so hard for me because I would like to be happy about this, but its such a shock and overwhelming for him, it brings me down because he thinks this is so horrible. I just figure it was meant to happen and itll all work out. I dont know how to help him through this. Once he sees the baby Im sure itll be different (maybe once I even start to show) but I want to hurry it up because I could use some support right now from him. All my friends and family are happy for me. Hes the only person who isnt happy. And hes the father.

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Replies:

[> Subject:

Re: Unplanned...

Author:
Shellie
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Date Posted: 06/28/07 1:02am

Hi Erin,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with your boyfriend's negative reaction! I'm sure you have your own fears and concerns and could use his support and reassurance!

It's normal for your boyfriend to have a negative first reaction. He may just need time to soak in the news. It's scary when your plans all change in an instant and suddenly you feel like you have no control over your own life. If this man is dedicated to you, and loves you, he'll most likely fall in love with his child.

I need to close this message and get some shuteye, but I'll talk to you again real soon. Please post here as often as you like!

Take care,

Shellie

[> Subject:

Re: Unplanned...

Author:
Melanie
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Date Posted: 06/28/07 11:42am

Hi Erin,

It's pretty tough when the dad isn't supportive. Most likely he is just scared. I don't know if it will help, but you could reassure him that no one is ever "ready" for a baby, and point out to him all the positives about your situation in being ready (good job, etc.) If he says he doesn't know how he will feel, tell him, "most likely like a proud papa." LOL First reaction to the news of pregnancy is like that for some guys, and they often do change over time, especially if you are resolute as you seem to be. I know it somehow doesn't seem fair that you are in the position of reassuring him when you most need reassurance, but it already sounds like he is starting to relax a little bit. Just hang in there, and rely on those that are happy for you to get you through until he gets used to the idea.

Have you scheduled your first visit yet? I know seeing an ultrasound does often help. It really helps for the guys to see something tangible and "real".

Anyway, keep me posted and feel free to e-mail me anytime if I can be of any help.

--Melanie

P.S. I am happy for you! Congrats!!!

[> Subject: Re: Unplanned...

Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 06/28/07 2:55pm

Erin,

Congratulations!

This is where the rubber meets the road. Will this man cherish you both? Only time will tell. I'd talk to him about how you need to find out whether or not he truly is the man for you. Tell him that he is asking you to commit violence against the child who is the product of your love. Ask him why he would do this. Tell him your child already has a heartbeat.

Tell him gently. Give him something to think about.

It may also be that he simply doesn't understand that your baby already exists, and needs your protection. Try to explain to him about this, about how your baby is developing. Lots of people have bought into the lie that this is just a blob of cells, and something less than human. The more you can tell him about your baby's development, the better.

Then give him space and time. Guys don't connect with the reality of pregnancy and a new baby in the same way women do, and it takes them longer.

Then start talking to him about how you will plan for the future. You're both old enough and should be responsible enough to become a family. You ARE a family, but it would be best to make it a true reality. You're in this together.

Your experience with the father's rejection is very common, and if you are at all like most women (and I imagine you are), the father's support would mean more than the support of anyone else. But he's coming around. Hang in there. You will know soon enough if he is potentially a good father. We'll be here for you.

Hugs,

Pat

[> Subject: Re: Unplanned...
Author: Lori [ Edit \| View ]	Date Posted: 07/ 2/07 10:36am Hi Erin, I just wanted to see how you were doing. Please feel free to come back to the board. We would love to hear from you. Your in our thoughts and prayers. God Bless, Lori