Honey sent this to me via e-mail. I wish to thank her and all who have sent me e-mail, messaged me, called or came to visit with words of encouragement of late.

I am well aware of the natural inclination to self censor when one speaks to someone in my situation. The motivation is two-fold, I think. On the one hand, most folks don't know what is and what is not appropriate to say to someone facing a near certain and short term death sentence as I am.

I cannot speak for anyone other than me and would never presume to do so. All I can relate to you is my own reaction to such topics. I am aware that my time is rapidly running out. I awake every day and realize with my first conscious thought that those 270 days (plus or minus) I was told I had left are now one day fewer in number.

That thought sticks with me throughout every day and I now cherish even more the good things that I will leave behind. Nothing appears the same as it once did to me. I have come to deep appreciation of the beauty of nature's blessings, the joyfulness of life itself and the beauty of people I have known, even those who have caused my heart to cry. No one not in this position can begin to understand my pleasure in hearing the sounds of a steady rainshower, of the symphony of peacefulness my wind chimes play for me and all to hear or the perfection of the very being of another human being I now finally appreciate so deeply.

I am an anomoly of sorts. I refuse to hide from harsh and grim reality. Jokes about dying don't disturb me. Neither am I offended by direct questions of any kind.

When some of you have called me to simply chat with "the Lion," I hear the reticence in your voices to ask the unanswered and unasked questions you have but fear asking. I do my best to allay those feelings by stating them outright while giving the other person permission to ask whatever else they may wish. Please know that your questions don't cause me any further grief. In a way, they actually help me.

I just touched on the second motivation for not asking, or discussing, the realities that those who are under such a death sentence face. I hope that I will retain enough of my personal dignity until the last split second that I can be asked anything and reply with a valid, well-thought-out response that does answer questions we all have about ourselves and our own reactions to such circumstances. "How would I feel and react if it were me?"

In this case, it is me in those circumstances and I am willing to discuss any and all such matters to the best of my abilities. Perhaps my willingness to be open will help others who are burdened with their own pain over such a devastating situation for a person about whom they care a great deal. Frankly, often the hidden fear that causes the curiosity is the fear that it could happen to them at some future time. "What would I do or think or feel if that were me? How would I face that situation if it happens to me too?"

These are natural questions we all have - including me in days before it was me.

Here's the bottom line IN MY CASE ONLY. There are no questions that will make my situation any worse or any better, so feel free to ask or discuss any subject. I will do my best to give you an honest answer, if I think the question is appropriate for me to answer.

That having been said, here's what Honey sent me. I thank her for this piece and for her thoughts about me that it represents. Be sure to read the last sentence of the piece (the one I have emphasized) and know that is how I feel about life and living.

Laf

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but oft times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.

Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.

Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

It is my deepest wish that each of you has enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Please send this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!

The list above covers every one of you who reads here, without exception. You have each given me moments that took my breath away, giving special meaning to the reduced number of breaths I have left. There have been special people who have made my heart smile, even a few who made it weep. I have intentionally forgotten or pushed aside all of the times of tears for they are like a potent, malicious poison that can destroy the joy of the too precious remaining time I have. Those seconds I have remaining are far too precious to me for me to waste them on anguish and grief. I have let all that go and learned to accept that those tears happened for a reason, even if I don't know what it was. I hold no rancor for, or against, anyone.

I have chosen instead to cherish the times each of those people made my heart smile if only for a brief time. And, I am especially grateful to Secretary Sage who came here to make my heart not only smile, but also to chuckle from time to time, especially in those moments when I could not find a smile of my own or even made it break into one of my trademarked, lopsided grins every now and again.

Please try to understand what I am saying. It is a lesson I have had to learn for myself recently, and I believe I have... thanks to Sagie-poo. Neither Sage nor anyone else replaces anyone else who made my heart smile before they came along. Those people have an unequalled and unique place of their very own in my heart that will remain there, treasured and cherished, without diminishment, until my last breath and, if my personal spiritual beliefs are correct, even after that.

I intend to hold tightly to every one of those smiles and cast away any tears anyone ever brought or caused me. I have learned this lesson, perhaps too late for me. I hope each of you learns from my mistakes. Remembering pain and grief only brings it back and renews it. The same holds true for those smiles and I do like having those smile-making feelings return.

I want each of you to know that you have made my heart smile and even grin that dumb looking, goofy grin I usually try to have on my face. For that, I thank each of you.

If I have caused your heart to weep, I beg you to try to replace the memories of those tears with those times I may have made your heart smile. If you are able to do that, please let me know right away. That knowledge would comfort and strengthen me as I await that final battle I just can't win.

Chemotherapy and radiation treatments as well as my body's reaction to these therapies have weakened me horrifically, limiting my time in front of a computer keyboard tremendously these days. I have had to post this message in sections with short breaks as I tried to type it. I may not post here as often I once was capable of doing, but rest assured that I do try to at least read the posts. Every time you post here is like a tonic for me, so please continue doing so. If you have a problem with anyone else who posts or visits here or what they say and how they say it, please ask yourself before sounding off to me or Sage about it, "If I were in Laf's situation, would I want to be bothered with such matters?"

If you wouldn't want that for yourself then consider that I might not want to be embroiled in such arguments either. Just accept the fact that I want ALL of you here. You won't be damaged in any meaningful way by the things that another says here or by their presence in the group.

As a matter of fact, if you allow it to happen as I have been trying hard to do most of my life - and even more so of late - you may discover the corners of your heart starting to turn upwards in a smile you didn't expect... but sure feels good.