Re: Some thoughts on LIFE from a dying man courtesy of Honey -- Lafcadio T. Lion and Strawberry Sage and Friends Fun Forum

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Date Posted: 14:42:56 07/01/03 Tue
Author: Sage
Author Host/IP: qam1c-sif-39.monroeaccess.net / 12.27.215.40
Subject: Re: Some thoughts on LIFE from a dying man courtesy of Honey
In reply to: Last Lap Lion still in the running but dropping back in the pack 's message, "Some thoughts on LIFE from a dying man courtesy of Honey" on 18:03:11 06/26/03 Thu

I received an email yesterday which disturbed me and which made me recall an event in my life. I had an uncle I loved dearly. He lived across the street from us while I was growing up and he was a part of my everyday life. He was my father's brother and best friend. Some years back, he became very ill. He was diagnosed with melanoma and when he was put in the hospital, he never left. I wanted to see him one last time to tell him I loved him. I went to his room at the hospital and his daughter, who had once been my very best friend, would not let me see him. She said it wasn't a good day. I never had a chance to see him again before he died. I'd been afraid to see him because I was uncomfortable with death and dying and illness, so, in a way, when my cousin told me I could not see him, I was somewhat relieved, but I was also offended and hurt.

The email I received yesterday made me think about how we build walls between ourselves and thoughts of dying. It isn't something we wish to think about and certainly, we each hope to put our own death off as long as possible. But death is inevitable and eventually we learn to accept that fact. How we come to this acceptance is an intensely personal experience. We are all familiar with the stages of grieving. When we discover that someone we care about is dying, we begin our own struggle with the process.

The stages of grief may be the same for the one who is dying and those who love him or her, but the burdens are different. I look at the lion and think, "Soon, I will be alone. I'm scared. I will no longer be able to curl up in his lap and feel protected." He looks at me and sees strengths that will get me through this and that will allow me to live my life productively when he is gone, but he is still afraid for me. So my struggle is in finding a balance between finding ways to show him how much I need him, but that I am strong enough to go on without him. Unlike many of the women who post here, I have not had a "career," so this is a big hill I must climb and it is a worry for the lion. I don't "feel" like thinking about my future right now, but it is not something I can avoid and I must keep in mind that every step I take for myself right now erases a little bit of his worry and allows him to think about other things he needs and wants to think about.

I guess what I am trying to say is that when we are faced with thoughts of the death of someone we are close to, it is not always easy to put that person's needs ahead of our own because we cannot help but think about how that person's dying effects us. If we examine those thoughts carefully, they will teach us things about ourselves. For most of us, though, it is not his or her death that effects us, so much as it is what his or her LIFE has meant to us. To spend too much time weeping takes away the too brief time we have to show the one who is dying how we celebrate the very fact that his or her existence has been something we consider a precious gift in each of our lives.

So many of you here have called, emailed, sent snail mail cards, or just pm'd with a "How's the lion doing?" message and I hope you know how precious each and every thought from you has been to both of us. If we haven't gotten back to you right away, we apologize. Illness and hospital stays and wrapping up one's affairs does take its toll and there are times when I just park myself in the lion's lap and we enjoy just being with each other - the feel of body heat and skin giving us the knowledge that we are loved and for now, at least, not alone - and we watch the news or a movie. Simple, precious moments which give us strength.

Hope, thank you so much for calling yesterday. You remain a source of strength and inspiration for both of us.

I will let the lion respond to Butterfly's post, which he will do when he is feeling strong enough to sit at the computer. I am sure it is a prayer from her heart and so I will thank her for that.

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