Hang in there Nola, Patsy, Draggie and Ron. I have lots of faith in you guys. Besides that, if the guy with the bony build and one-way ticket for a boat ride to forever never has finally got my number, I know damned well you guys have it made. They will be laying on extra help to guard all the entrances and exits once they get me there. I have managed to come back before and it is going to take a heavy duty force to keep me there this time too. With all the work I will put them through, there's no way they will even notice you guys for a while.

It is just after midight on Sunday night/Monday morning and today is the day I go make an anesthesiologist look worried. They will be using a general anesthesia on me and I am not what anyone would call a great "risk" patient. An enlarged, weakened heart muscle that has been damaged by two severe "cardiac episodes" doesn't make for a happy day in the life of an anesthesiologist or the surgeons. The procedures to be done... multiple biopsies of a growth around my bronchia at the entrance to the right lung plus enlarged lymph nodes, insertion of a tube into my lungs to drain accumulated fluids that are causing me to drown in my own bodily fluids, an incision in my back and insertion of a fiber optic "camera" to allow them to explore my insides and draining off approximately two additional liters of fluids that have accumulated in my chest cavity despite having drawn off a liter in my last hospital stay... don't seem to promise a comfortable awakening, if I bother.

I will admit to all of you that breathing has been a difficult act for me for some time now and there are days... and especially nights... when have wondered why I should even continue to try. I am so damned tired and it is hard to sleep when you bolt straight upright in bed every few minutes gasping like a fish on the bottom of a boat. Then, there is the coughing... coughing for long periods of time that are painful and prevent you from taking a deep breath, coughing because it feels like you have a piece of phelgm hung in your throat that won't come out. The coughing is so hard that I have actually strained or cracked ribs and pulled muscles. I have always been a fighter, but there are times when you have to wonder why you do, especially now that I am so weakened by it all.

I don't know the answer to that. I just know that I "have it to do." That has always been sufficient reason for me to fight back all these years. I will fight to stay, but if it doesn't work out, you will know that I gave it my best shot.

Someone asked me if I am afraid. Yes, I am, but that is no reason to back out on any fight worth fighting. Not for me anyway. I have a few other reasons to fight as well. I want to use this last post before we leave in the morning to tell you guys of some of those reasons.

First of all, and foremost, there is Sage. No man ever had more reason to want to stick around than her. She has held my head while I barfed up every meal for months now. She has held me upright when I could not do that alone. She has encouraged, wheedled, threatened, cajoled and CARED more than I deserve and I will be thankful to her forever for that support and willingness to bear a burden that was not hers to assume. It is her way and I worship her for being here when others abandoned me out of self interest and other motives I may never fully understand. I have seen Sage's eyes when she doesn't know I am watching and I am moved by the look I see there. At least I won't face my worse fears...dying face down in a jungle mud puddle and alone. She won't let me go alone.

I have lots of other reasons too. One is my son. Arden reads here from time to time, so I hope he gets to read this before it rotates into an archive. He and I have not been together or even spoken much in many years. I feel that loss deeply and want to stay around to finally take him in my arms once more and tell him how glad I still am that he's my son. He didn't have to do anything else in his life time to earn that love and respect and I want him to know it.

Now other reasons I want to hang around. There's my nephew, Lutfy. There are a few "good kids' on earth and he tops the list in my book. Throughout the years, Lutfy has never failed to remember my birthday and he always checks on me on Father's Day and all major holidays. He calls regularly to do nothing more than ask, "How are you doing, Tio?" He has studied hard and applied himself despite a few missteps in his youth. I want to be around to see him reap the harvest of the success he has so richly earned.

I have a brother and sister-in-law. I am glad he and I became friends again while we still had the chance.

Then there are you guys who come here to read and, from time to time, post. I won't name you all because I don't want to miss one of you. From the newest to the longest running member of this menagerie, you folks have been my friends. You have no idea how much this Dago kid who had nothing as a child values those friendships. From Honey's prayers and special friendship to Ron's cynical encouragement, from Brother Herb's kindness to Bunnyhunny's ditsie joie de vivre, from Nola's shyness to Draggie-poo and Mysticsis' zany fun, you have enriched my life. I don't want to lose those treasures just yet.

I hope to be back later this week to let everyone know that the doctors were wrong again and it is not lung cancer. Even if it is, I want to come back to tell you that myself. I haven't driven any chemotherapy or radiation techs up the wall with practical jokes in many years. I've had years to come up with a whole new set of them and I would hate like Hell for them to go to waste.

So there, buster!

You guys play together well until I can get back here. If - for some reason - that is not how it works out, please remember Sage in your prayers because she will be the one with the greatest need and I won't be around to make her laugh at one of my usually unpredictable and zany outbursts.

As for me, don't cry because I did not live. Smile instead because I did.

Lafcadio T. Lion...

but, you can call me "j"