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Once again the Georgia State Fire Marshall faces a massive challenge. It seems Brother Herb is having a birthday today, Thursday, March 13, 2003. The application for the burn permit for the candles on his cake this year rivals the federal budget in compexity, sheer volume and creative numbering. Keeping track of Herb's birthdays was responsible for the invention of the abbacus in ancient China where his name was rendered as Dah Med Ole Faht. They were trying to find a way to apply multi-digit ordinal numbers of extreme size and complexity and the super abbacus sprang into being.
Brother Herb and I share a common history in the broadcast industry where Herb began as a photojournalist - a big, politically-correct word that means "camera man." What few know is that Herb still has archived copies of his first recording of historical events as they happened. Thanks to Herb, we have an eye witness account to verify the Creation theory. Herb's memory, while tending to wander these days is still crystal clear on those events. He was even quoted in the first edition Dead Sea Scrolls... "Man, that was a tough gig. We didn't even get beer until something like Day 9 or 10 and decent Scotch was almost a week later!"
On this auspicious occasion Herb's younger brother, Old Scratch (the Snake) Beelzeebub, adds his greetings to his much older brother, Herb, as well...
"With all those candles, brother mine,
the flames on your cake are starting
to give me some stiff competition.
I may even have to go ahead
and fire up the Bill and Hillary
Clinton Wing a few years early
just to keep pace!
Hang in there Brother Herb. At your age, those young girls you keep working on won't dare slap your face. They're bound to fear a charge of desecrating a dead body even if you do move every now and again. I've seen you in action lately, Old Son, and believe me, even were you to get lucky AND also accidentally remember exactly what that meant, it would not be a serious crime. There's no way anyone could call that a moving violation.
Happy Birthday, Brother Herb,
from all of us at the LTL&SS&FFF
Don't try to pronounce it, Herb. You know how embarrassing it is when you dribble Poligrip like that. We are proud to announce on this momentous day, however that the Depends folks have initiated an endowed grant in your name at the local Colestomy Center.