All by myself. I want to be... -- WIW

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Date Posted: 18:25:14 07/10/02 Wed
Author: "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin
Subject: All by myself. I want to be...

[The scene shows "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin sitting on the couch in The Villain�s Lounge. Pictures of notorious evil hang in the background, Dr. Gurbles and his fun loving chimp, Ghangis Khan enjoying his favorite flavor of horse, and Delaware Governor Ruth Ann Minner(D) drowning a bag full of puppies. Merlin has his feet kicked up on the bright orange Ottoman and is enjoying the delicious taste of a apple flavored Hostess fruit pie.]

Merlin- Ah. It feels good to have the lounge all to myself. For the past three months I've shared the fun and the glory of evil with those by my side, but this time I'm all alone. And I couldn't be happier. Now I can be as evil as I want to be. If I want to throw a puppy and a kitten in a blender, I say why not. I can stay up till all hours putting up porn advertisements in chat rooms, as well as create more annoying pop ups to infest computers world wide. Plus, I now have more time to just stop in the middle of the highway for NO REASON, just to cause a traffic jam. It's good to be champ.

[Uncomfortable pause]

Merlin- Wait a minute. I guess it's not THAT great. Everyone and their dogs are scrambling for my title. Everyone thinks they can beat me, and now I have to actually wrestle in front of some sad group of losers who have nothing better to do on a Wednesday than go to a wrestling show. I'm so sad. Add to that the fact that my fellow bad guy White Devil is saying such mean thing about The Prodigy of Pain, and I just don't know what to do.
Why would he be so un-heelish as to talk smack to me. ME! Heely McHeelerton from Heelsville, Delaware. All I ever did was give the guy a title shot, and he has to turn into Mr. Grumpy Poo. What's wrong, Whitey, did Trash mistake your cereal for a good promo and piss all over it? Did you get on the rag via osmosis by wrestling that dykey Christ piking kike? IT RHYMES, SO IT'S TRUE!

[Looking baffled, but taking another bite from his Hostess fruit pie.]

Merlin- Whitey says I have a good record, but not exceptional. I'm undefeated. How much more exceptional can you get? Whitey's wins have been over The Fist, Dorksun and the British Bulldyke. That's not saying a whole lot, especially coming from a guy who's never even wrestled in a WIW PPV. I was trying to throw a bone to a guy that can't draw a crowd with paper and pencil, but it seems like Whitey is the one who shot himself in the foot. Whitey, who not but 3 weeks ago was drinking and crying because no one paid attention to him. Now, I pay him some attention, give him the chance to wipe the floor with Craven, and he's got more funk coming out of his mouth than Craven has going into his when touring West Hollywood.

[Pausing for breath. A rarity for Merlin.]

Merlin- You see, Whitey, Craven, anybody else who has their eyes set on this strap, I don't care about this "World" championship. It is a worthless belt held by three other worthless people. But this belt does give me leverage; it makes me the only dealer on the street for all the gold junkies out there. It gives me the license to be not just mean, but Methanpheta-MEAN! I don't care if I'm the best, I don't care if I lose, and I don't care who comes after this belt. Because once you get a taste of this gold, once you get near this belt, Whitey, you become just another junkie looking for a hit from the man who's not only better than you, not only the best World Champion of all time, but the man who's...BETTER THAN JESUS!

Merlin- Now if you'll excuse me, the champ needs a pedicure before his match.

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