RUMORS WITH RICKY RUMOR -- GWA Vendetta

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Date Posted: 09:52:29 04/01/02 Mon
Author: RICKY RUMOR
Subject: RUMORS WITH RICKY RUMOR

(Ricky Rumor sits behind his desk, a cardboard box painted a pretty shade red. His knit cap is tilted to one side, and that's because he's a poor man!)

Ricky Rumor: Hey everyonebody. My name is Ricky Rumor. I have been bought by Odyssey to find the reason why Assassin is gone. I have some dirt...

(Ricky Rumor takes his hat out and rubs his hand through his hair. A bunch of dirt falls out of the rug on top of his skull.)

Ricky Rumor: ...in my hair. I also have found some crap on Assassin. Apparently, he got in a horrible motorcycle accident and has died a horrible death. Right now, he's being buried in the funeral house. Let's take you there. Here is our news correspondent... Update... Umberto Update... Yeah...

(The scene fades to black. About two minutes later, we are shown a man with no knit black cap on. Covering him is a long black trenchcoat and a pair of black plastic glasses with no lenses. Attached to the glasses are two fake eyebrows.)

Umberto Update: HEY EVERYBODYONE! This is Umberto Update at the funeral of Assassin.

(Umberto turns and points behind him. There is a long cardboard box, perhaps for a refrigerator, lying next to a large hole in the ground.)

Umberto Update: That's the coffin. Yup... Assassin is in there. His tombstone reads...

(Umberto looks around curiously.)

Umberto Update: Here it is!

(Umberto goes behind the camera. Seconds later, he comes back with a piece of styrofoam cut terribly into the shape of a tombstone. On it, in black ink, is, "ASSASSIN. 19713-2002. You wer a grate! guy!")

Umberto Update: That's right... you heard it. Those words came directly from one of Assassin's dearest friends, Snoops.

Ricky Rumor: SO RUMOR HAS IT!

Umberto Update: Dude, what the hell are you doing?

Ricky Rumor: Trying to keep our asses safe...

Umberto Update: Anyway, the... ceremony... is in a few hours. But we can't show you that, because we're not allowed. Now back to Ric--

(Umberto pauses.)

Umberto Update: Never mind. Now we're going over to Wendy Weather...

(Umberto pauses again.)

Umberto Update: ...WITH SPORTS!

(The scene fades again. This time, a woman with a freaky resemblence to Pippi Longstocking appears. She stares at the camera, eyes wide, not blinking.)

Wendy Weather: HI! Basketball is big now. I mean, College Basketball. A women's team might go undefeated and be the third to do so in history. Some are calling them the best ever. I think that game might have been last night. I don't have a television, so I wouldn't know. Baseball is starting soon. That means I'll have more time to sleep, because baseball is stupid and slow. Actual Basketball and Hockey are being played, too. And since I'm not quite sure what city I'm in, I don't know what team to talk about. So let's just say that the Los Angeles Lakers beat the New Jersey Devils in a BLOWOUT. The final score was 113-4. Finally, GWA's Vendetta will be on Sunday. We're still not sure what will happen in the main event match between the living Odyssey and the dead Assassin. And now, over to Sally Sports...

(Wendy pauses.)

Wendy Weather: WITH SPORTS! *cough*

(The scene goes away again. It appears with Sally on there. This woman looks like the lovechild of Linda Tripp and Janet Reno.)

Sally Sports: Wendy, you wanker, I'm here with the weather. It's reported that violent rainstorms made roads extra slippery. That's why Assassin was in a motorcycle accident and died in it. It was horrible. Today, the sun is shining and we can expect a motorcycle-accidentless day! BACK TO RICKY RUMOR AT THE FRONT DESK!

(Sally disappears in the black. RICKY RUMOR REAPPEARS!)

Ricky Rumor: That's all we have for today. I'm not quite sure where the weather or sports women came from, but oh well. The more... the merrier! HO HO HO! Merry Christmas!

(Umberto Update appears.)

Umberto Update: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

(Wendy Weather comes into the scene.)

Wendy Weather: MERRY THANKSGIVING!

(Sally Sports shows up.)

Sally Sports: HAPPY EASTER!

(They all put their arms around each other. After singing a tear-jerking rendition of "Jesus Loves the Little Children," the four put their arms around each other.)

All: APRIL FOOLS!

Umberto Update: WHAT A BUNCH OF FOOLS!

(The scene fades to black. You can still hear their voices.)

Sally Sports: Man, that sucked.

Wendy Weather: Anyone that fell for that is a loser.

Umberto Update: Amen...

Ricky Rumor: At least we're trying. Can't say that for everyone.

(They finally shut the hell up, and this pitiful attempt at a joke ends. BYE! HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!)

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