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Date Posted: 13:26:57 07/13/03 Sun
Author: Fenrir
Subject: Speaking of Star Wars books...

The worst by far are, without a doubt, two books by Paul Davids and Hollace Davids. Each book contains three short stories all of which are total crap. I have no idea how I was able to get through them, and I wouldn't recommend trying unless you just want to torture yourself one day.

There are so many things wrong with these six stories, where does one begin? For one thing, all of the stories feature heavy references to Earth, which really kills the mood. Constant references to things like spreading feathers "... just like a peacock on Earth" (Not an exact quote, but there is something very close to it.) If this only happened once or twice I could forgive them, but it happens a lot.

The stories also feature some of the stupidest plots imaginable. In the first story our villains, try to find the glove of Darth Vader. Why you ask? Because they think it will allow them to choke people like he did....that's right, a Grand Moff and a guy claiming to be the Emperor's son don't realize that Vader's glove had nothing to do with his power to choke people. Also note that Grand Moff Hissa often goes around biding people, "Dark Greetings." Whatever the hell that means.

Then we get to the second story of this sinister six pack of horror, The Lost City of the Jedi. The idea behind this stinker is that there is a secret Jedi city on Yavin IV that no one has found yet. And who should they find when the heroes go down into the city? Why a little Mary Sue named Ken of all things. Ken has been raised by a computer from birth and Luke and the others are the first people he meets. Naturally he goes back with them to the surface. Ken is a "Jedi Prince" who Trioculus, the Emperor's supposed son, has received a warning will be a threat to him. So the rest of the stories are pretty much Luke and co. trying to protect the ^%$@# kid from the remnants of the Empire, who want to use him to get into the lost city...or kill him...or maybe both, I don't know really.

Later the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side gets in on the act. Why he even has a handy dandy, book with "Secret of the Dark Side" written on the side, I swear to you I'm not making this stuff up. Something like this actually got published. Note that people also use a "laser pen" to write in books now.

Apparently the Rebel Alliance decided to set up a secret base on Dagobah called, "Mount Yoda." Here there we find such wonderful paragraphs as,

"Yoda may have been small in size, but he was mighty in wisdom. Although Luke felt that Yoda was always nearby in spirit, the galaxy was just not the same anymore without him."

WOW! Can't you just feel the talent pouring out? Wait...that's not talent. Also note that there is apparently a "Dagobah Tech" school that the little Mary Sue bastard child is going to be going to after Han and Leia's wedding. Cause you know, these stories weren't meant to fit into canon in anyway, shape, or form.

The authors were also ever so clever in coming up with fight scenes. In one scene a robot Leia kills a guy by shooting laser beams out of her eyes. Yes that's right, freaking laser beams come out of her eyes and blast the guy in the chest. There are no words! NONE! No words whatsoever!

Also note that the books are populated with a number of drawings of characters and such. This might not be such a bad idea, giving a distraction from the horrible dialogue, the problem is the artists who did them was pretty god awful themselves. With such deep, meaningful drawings as C-3PO apparently trying to claw his eyes out as Han and Leia look like they are about to kiss. One picture even shows one of the dark prophets with something smoking in his hand. Marijuana would explain so much about these books. Might even make them entertaining, although somehow I doubt it.

So there you have it, the most god awful published Star Wars stories of all time in my opinion. The only good that might come out of this is to give hope to all the young aspiring writers. If something like this can get published, so can you!

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