Author:
James the Computer Geek
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Date Posted: Sunday, April 28 2002, 4:49pm
The remarkable story of the Dosfish
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Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze
and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug
for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who
could sail the waters, and would need for support but few
rams.
So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft,
acquired a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim
the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not
bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet
had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of
his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.
At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only
one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew
tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could
be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth," they cried.
"the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he
knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea
Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.
Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to
the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic
Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made
a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do its thinking
for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when
the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented
themselves with the Dosfish alone.
Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the
Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves
something greater than the Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed
like a humbug and so they called the new creature OZ II.
Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are.
It could drag and drop, and could keep files without
becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue
Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II, to be
called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide
Pea Sea.
Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window
that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the
third Window was the prettiest of all. And the people began
to like the third Window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper
turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need
thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window
an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in
the 32-bit Pea Sea."
Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the
Blue Giant were overrun by insects. And the people went on
using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish
would from time to time become confused and die, it could
always be revived with three fingers.
Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ
II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and
awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed
not a whit. For the people said, "It is indeed great, but
we see little application for it." And they were doubtful,
because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and
together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent
was made of objects, and was most pink.
Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been
ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still.
So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and
made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the
Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the
Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared,
"though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too,
it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs."
And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the
world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a
greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish
would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and they too
would be built of objects.
Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and
who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with
fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and great ships were
sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their oceans,
and it was rumored that files would be named in letters
greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea
Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.
Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers,
and they wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and
do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more,
many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the
Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.
And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had
given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed
loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares,
then admitted meekly that only those who knew him could use
those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the
biggest ram of all.
And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were
sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that
is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on
the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on
the simple Dosfish.
Now it came to pass that workshops of the Gateskeeper
fashioned a new Idol in the image of Himself, and named it
Oh-Lay The Second. And there was much excitement amongst the
Tribes of Developers, for they gazed upon the Specification
and saw that it was Good, and Well Considered and not cursed
with the blight of the Kludge.
But even the Miracles of the Oh-Lay The Second were not
enough for the Masters of the Gateskeeper, for it came to
pass that the language of the Macro had been Reviled, and
Stoned, and publically Humiliated, especially amongst the
tribes of the Corporate.
So the Gateskeeper commanded the workshops to deliver unto
the Tribes of the Corporates a new Wonder, and named it
Comman Macro Language. They called it a Basic of Object
Overtones. And then, lest this confuse the Tribe of the
Corporate, named it for the third time as the Basically
Visual of the Applications Kind.
But the Tribe of Upstarts known as the Reviewers looked down
upon the new Miracles of the Applications, and cast scorn
upon them, saying "Verily thou has Failed. Thine new Shiny
Applications are not blessed with the new Wonder, except for
the System Terminator known as the Excel Five, which is
Riddled with the Blight of the Bug."
And then the Tribe of Reviewers examined the new Wonder in
closer detail, and found too that it was cursed with the
Blight of the Incompatible Syntax. They shouted "But the
workers of the Gateskeeper told us it was Compatible, and
The Same, and Wonderous. The Application named Word is
inflicted with the Kludge known amongst the Land as
WordBasic in its Third Incarnation, and this is not Good
Enough.
The High Priests of the Gateskeeper replied, crying "Verily
we are Getting There, but it will take more Time." And the
Tribe of the Reviewers replied, saying "Thou hast had enough
Time, there is little left in the Coffers of Credibility.
And Lo, the High Priests of the Gateskeeper replied "But you
ignoreth our Best Wonder Of All, the Miracle of the
IntelliSense." And the Tribe of the Reviewers cast scorn
upon the High Priests, and called for a Public Stoning,
crying "That is nothing but the influence of The Devil
Himself, known in the Lands of the Journalists as The
Marketing Bullshit.
And the Tribes of the Journalists and Corporates looked upon
the Garden of the Lotus to see if more promising flowers
were growing therein.....
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