Re: Husbands bisexual confession after 10 years -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 20:38:42 03/25/16 Fri
Author: Meg (I was you 2 years ago)
Subject: Re: Husbands bisexual confession after 10 years
In reply to: Alison 's message, "Husbands bisexual confession after 10 years" on 16:18:18 03/25/16 Fri

It sounds like you're being a lot more level-headed about it than I was. I was married to my husband for 8 years and had one son before I found a M4M craigslist email thread and he said he might be bisexual. This was after years of catching him watching gay porn but, of course, there was a perfectly understandable reason for it all! He was traumatized by a man masturbating in front of him when he was 12 and had developed this "addiction" to gay porn. For the first 8 years of our marriage he assured me that it was not something he'd ever want to act on in real life. When I found his dildos, it was more excuses like just curiosity, no big deal, all guys do it. When he finally had to admit that he would actually like to be with a man in real life, he said it had nothing to do with our marriage and that he was still madly in love with me and sexually attracted to me... that it didn't have to be a big deal and he wouldn't do it if I didn't want him to. Well, he could never stop because it was a big deal. I was always understanding and compassionate about it but slowly dying inside. I stopped wanting to have sex with him which he actually had me convinced was due to my own depression. finally, after I had an affair and confessed to him, we agreed to separate and effectively had an open marriage for about 6 months. My manly man Christian husband proceeded to sleep with dozens of men he met on the internet and told me all about it. I was being understanding and compassionate, right? The masochist in me needed to see it in all it's glory before I could accept that he was not the man I thought he was and he did not love me the way I thought he loved me. I had to see first hand that his actions did not line up with his words. For so long, I truly felt like it was my duty to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what I can now see is complete horse shit. Even after I realized that he was liar and a narcissist, I kept his secrets and his confidence because I thought it was the right thing to do by him.

For your husband to keep such a big secret for 10 years is a big deal. What makes it even scarier is that he doesn't see it as such, which indicates to me that it's just the tip of the iceburg. He finally told you this because he wants (more like needs) to act on it. Most likely, he already has and wants to relieve his guilt. Put yourself in his shoes... knowing you as his wife, what extreme circumstances would you have to be in to consider telling your wife these things and asking for an open marriage? He is at best struggling immensely with his sexuality and at worst cheating on you with men because he clearly needs that in his life. Either way, learn from this forum that his needs will only grow. It's a horrible sign that he already doesn't take responsibility for his betrayal. He's shown that he's very willing and able to deceive and manipulate you to get what he wants. Apparently, what he wants right now is to see if he can get a little relief on the side while still keeping the comfort and cover you provide. The fact that he says he'll drop it if you say no, shows either that he's in denial that his attraction to men is a need or that he would rather just do it on the down-low than lose you. The third possibility that y'all will move past this and continue in a healthy monogamous marriage is non-existent.
As for practical advice that I wish I had heeded when I was at your stage... don't sacrifice yourself any more for his sake. You're not in the marriage you thought you were in and he's not the person you thought he was. It is not safe to assume that y'all are even on the same team. He is not trustworthy.

Here's what happened to me when I jumped of the crazy train and decided to file for divorce. My husband, who I still thought of as my best friend, father of my son, decided that he did not want a divorce. He decided that wasn't gay or even bi, but was just acting out due to his childhood trauma and the stress of a cheating wife. I was the one giving up on a perfectly good marriage and taking his son away from him. He fought me viciously in divorce court for money and custody, saying that he should have custody of our son because he was obviously a better Christian than me. He broke into my house and deleted all evidence of our talks about the gay thing and did god knows what else, saying that this was totally acceptable because we "were still married". When I decided I needed to stand up for myself and tell my family (who had long known about my affair) that he had been sleeping with men and that I thought he was gay, he told them I was just trying to absolve myself of guilt for leaving him for another man. He has most convinced that he's a completely straight, wonderful father and Christian man who's lying cheating wife threw him under the bus in his hour of need.

I could have prevented a lot of this by taking better care of myself instead of enabling him. I trusted him when I shouldn't have and regret it. Remember, you're not the one who hid his past and his feelings from the person he had a duty to share everything with. Don't sacrifice yourself and compromise your values to preserve a marriage you know is not true. Ideologically, think about the relationships you want to model for your children. Practically, think hard and research this forum and other resources to see that there is very little chance that your husband will ever be the man you need him to be. You're not being selfish, you're saving yourself and children. He is already taking care of himself.

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Replies:

Powerful story -- Cameron, 15:10:51 03/26/16 Sat