Re: Feeling horribly sad and reaching out to know I am not alone -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 17:57:03 05/16/16 Mon
Author: Kel
Subject: Re: Feeling horribly sad and reaching out to know I am not alone
In reply to: Sue 's message, "Feeling horribly sad and reaching out to know I am not alone" on 15:01:50 05/15/16 Sun

First off, let me say how sorry I am that you're going through this. It sounds so tough. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. What you are going through is a grieving process, and it's full of emotions that feel like they're ripping your innards apart.

Some of the things that you mentioned DO have resolutions. For instance, it's in my child support paperwork that I HAVE to share school paperwork and info with their father. We have joint custody, and so we're both entitled to that. For the most part, that info comes to us via electronic communication. So I've gotten my ex on every freaking email list that I can. Then there's no longer any need to communicate. You could call your school and explain to them that with the 50/50 custody arrangement, that you feel you're missing a lot of info, and you're wondering what they suggest for that sort of situation. Believe me, they should have dealt with this before - especially in a situation where the state is all 50/50.

I've never gotten a real explanation about how long my spouse knew he was gay, or why he married me in the first place. What I did figure out though is that there is.no.good.answer to these questions. You are still left with the same exact outcome. For years I thought that my ex started to know during our marriage that he wanted to be with men, and the desire just grew until it overtook any desire he had for me/females. My son says that no - he asked his dad, and his dad said that he knew on our wedding day that he was gay. He just thought that he "loved me enough" to make it work. Bottom line? He's gay. Could he have prevented all of this? Yes, maybe. But that's not how this story goes. It goes that I found out after 16 years. And all I can do is deal with the hand that was dealt to me. Period. There are no good answers. As a matter of fact, I think that sometimes you can learn that the answers make you feel even worse than you thought they could.

I know that seeing Daddy play "Happy Little Family" is crushing to you at this point, but honestly, there is no wonderful alternative there, either. Mind did this for a time after we first divorced. The kids would go with Dad and his bf out boating, jet skiing, shopping, for dinners, etc. Now they are bored out of their minds as it seems the need to impress them was too expensive or not worth it to my ex. And you know what? I prefer that my kids are happy and having fun. I WANT them to have a good time - whether it's with me or not. There is nothing preventing me from doing those things with them, if I choose to do them. If I can't afford to do them, then that's my issue - I don't wish my kids not to have fun just because I can't afford to compete in that environment.

The other thing is that your kids WILL know that they have you andd that you're raising them. Even if they very much relish their father (which I saw as a good thing, in my book - I want my kids to love their dad and get the benefits of having a father in their life - one who they feel adores them and cherishes his time with them). Being happy to be with their dad does NOT mean that they prefer him to to you, or that they'd choose to live with him full time if they could. Or maybe they would - maybe when they're young they'd prefer to live with the permissive, fun parent. That does NOT mean that they won't understand the blessing that you have been to them when they're older. Just know that it alllll comes out in the wash, hon. Truly.

As for feeling lonely and sad - especially when the kids aren't with you - I can't really help you there. I only get every-other-weekend away from my kids, and I relish that time. Lol. There may come a time when you love both your time with the kids and the time that you take in order to be able to be fully present and available to the kids when you have them. Make it work for you somehow. Despite what it feels like, your life is NOT.OVER. You are still a mother. You are still a child of God. You are still a strong woman who has a life ahead of her - hopefully one of happiness and joy. If you see it as an opportunity, it will become one.

I hope you feel better soon. :)

Kel

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Replies:

Re: Feeling horribly sad and reaching out to know I am not alone -- Sue (Thanks), 16:18:45 05/17/16 Tue
- Re: Feeling horribly sad and reaching out to know I am not alone -- Rob (the doubt=gaslight), 15:22:54 05/19/16 Thu