Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 12:46:47 07/13/02 Sat
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheB05a.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.168.167
Subject: Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult]
In reply to: SuSanne &*_*& 's message, "~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult]" on 00:56:33 07/10/02 Wed

I first read your poem this morning but did not have time to comment then and wanted the opportunity to re-read. I particularly like the first stanza. It is strong, full of imagery, enabling your reader to visualise and sense what may be about to follow. The animal imagery works well, particularly the snake and the lizard.

If you want my honest opinion, I think the poem could be shorter - it would be stronger that way - the first 3 stanzas say it all, even by the the second. If you wish to tell the full story, then maybe adapt it to prose and with your poetic skill, this could then become a more interesting autobiographical piece. Unfortunately, time is against me for doing a details technical crit but I preferred the first half of the poem.

Raphaela

>STRONG ADULT
>
>
> ONCE IN '99
>
>
>In the still of dark,
>Noise sprinkles movements
>Of unwanted attention
>Sensing an attack
>Nerves tingle during soft moves
>In a desire to slink along
>Quietly, imitating a tiny lizard
>Side to side through a long dirt groove.
>
>When suddenly from dark sins
>Come large hot hands
>Like a snake of a drunken, cold heart
>Fastening coils tightly
>Around a long, slim neck,
>Swiftly giving her sure knowledge
>Death had been scant seconds away
>Before thankfully released
>For lungs to grasp at precious air
>Before her face being struck
>By a Cobra's reach of closed fists
>Further demoting,
>A swift, horrified mental state.
>
>Air presses hotly down
>Smothering as heavy blanket.
>A quilt knitted by needles
>In evil's exhaled breath
>As if to melt, pieces of her soul
>Liquidized into a 'black hole'.
>Along with much of his humanity,
>For these actions, were extracting,
>Huge payments from his soul.
>
>Inwardly she prays
>Protection of blue Light's aura
>Asking if meant to live
>Without aids of a gun
>Or Mace's might.
>Then a feeling answered
>With a warmth of a calm's pinprick
>Shining to spread within
>Growing bewildered strength
>Calming her, for survival.
>As blows start back and forth on arms,
>Hands, alternately more chokeholds
>Slowing time, to near death-still.
>
>On her mind's third level,
>Bewildered of evermore
>Why she or any anyone
>Could be so cruelly victimized
>By another's un-disciplined self
>With twisted thoughts of love
>In physical harm of soulful sins.
>Yet for her, Light's strength glows
>Self-knowledge of strong faith
>She would live.
>Even if just momentarily
>As a shocked round-eye fish,
>Suddenly landlocked, gasping for air.
>Praying thanks to be back in water, to live
>Beacons of Light to highest Source
>She did not do, a total death dive.
>
>Pressure released,
>He starts to fall asleep,
>Gently patting her head
>Uttering, "You didn't deserve that"
>She thinking, "no kidding"
>With a madly pounding heart
>Starts a new life crawl
>Easing herself,
>From their never again of bed,
>Now scenes of recent deep fear,
>Leaving a forlorn wish, this experience
>Had only been .. paradoxical sleep.
>
>
>� SuSanne &*_*&
>
>8.2.02~smb.powell
>All rights reserved
>Revision 9.7.02
>*~Definitions of paradoxical sleep:
>noun: a recurring sleep state
>during which dreaming occurs;
>~a state of Rapid Eye Movements during sleep
>This man went on to two other women
>after this one time incident, and then
>the second woman, he married
>and after a year of them being together,
>he died of a heart attack on the 9th a year ago
>and was buried on his Mother's birthday of the 13th.
>If he had died after the first year I knew him,
>I would have grieved as his lovely wife does;
>it was the end of the 2nd year, that for me, almost
>was a killer. I�m sad in this case, he let the
>bad in him outweigh his good and grieve
>he did nothing to help me recover from
>the shadow of bruises and ruining my car
>as well as debts he left, that I have
>not recovered from as of yet. But I will,
>even without anyone's help, except somewhat,
>from a blessed few.....thanks for reading...I pray
>somehow, this tale can help someone, somewhere,
>of either sex of humans.
> &*_*& >^. .^<
>
>

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Replies:

Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- sp99, 12:56:48 07/13/02 Sat
- Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- Raphaela, 14:17:39 07/13/02 Sat