Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 09:44:33 07/14/02 Sun
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheM03b.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.194.13
Subject: Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult]
In reply to: sp99 's message, "Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult]" on 09:13:10 07/14/02 Sun

It is the writer's prerogative to agree or disagee with peoples' comments. Often poetry is written from our personal experiences and sometimes that can cloud our judgement. Others can look at it more impartially and suggest ways that could help it read better - in our opinion. Feel free to keep the same or amend as you wish. This is one of the reasons that I suggested that some of what you write may work better as prose, if you wish to keep all the detail in. As poetry - sometimes 'less is more'. Remember we are commenting on the poetry - not the subject matter itself, which is obviously a sensitive issue. Just a thought as I passed by - you can email me if you wish to discuss further. Raphaela x

> Hi Al,
>
>Thanks for this critique of which there are parts I
>must respectfully
>disagree as in the one line you chose to highlight. I
>thought deeply
>about this line that I wish to convey that if even if
>a slap much less
>the 30 minutes of hellish fear that this poem is
>about, happens to
>a woman [or even if in reverse] that once is enough
>and one should
>not be sleeping with the perpetuator ever again. Do
>you not think this
>line conveys that? Or perhaps seeing in context
>"Starts a new life crawl
>Easing herself,
>From their never again of bed,
>With scenes of recent deep fear,..."
>Except I did JUST change 'of' to 'with'...*grin* and I
>do agree with
>Raphaela that this poem needs tightening. Then I must
>admit I do not
>understand what you mean by segments when it is about
>a one time
>only incident as stated, of 30 minutes of time and
>yes, I agree with
>you that sometimes I have a tendency to be "...pushing
>the poetic limit
>and making poetry out of lines of thought,...." and I
>know I write what
>I feel and my upbringing is fraught with influences of
>'past, present
>and future' and this too comes forth in my writing. As
>you say, only
>time will tell and yet I have seen other poets
>use words or phrases
>I routinely write so "who knows but One", yes?:-p
>Thanks for your thoughts!
>
>>Hii SuSanne
>>
>>Well you certainly have a way with words, none of us
>>can for even a brief moment deny that. It was an
>>interestig story, althogh it seemed in segments and
>>often I get the feel that you just clobber the
>>language so much. This was an interesting phrase -
>>
>>From their never again of bed,
>>
>>it is almost as though we need a private course on how
>>you speak, hehe, that one was meant in jest.
>>
>>I used to do that too, twist the words and phrase from
>>here to shinoah as though I were giving extra meaning
>>or something by inventing my very own placement of
>>words, verbs, nouns, you name it. Then I came to the
>>bright idea of speaking like the rest of the folk and
>>just letting the ideas just come forth like the rest
>>of mankind speaks. It worked. It is probably a nice
>>language if you are living in the 1100's or so. I
>>realize English has gone through alot of changes over
>>the years. I think what you may be doing here is
>>pushing the poetic limit and makig poetry out of lines
>>of thought, although it seems terribly new, and I
>>don't know if I can guarentee it to be a winner or a
>>looser. I guess time will tell on the popularity.
>>You seem to stay with it so I would say just stay with
>>this idea and see how it goes. It might be some new
>>line of thinking you are coming up with, only time
>>will tell. Much gracious wishes, al

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Replies:

Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- AAAAGGGSSS, 09:47:45 07/14/02 Sun

Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- Gemini, 04:28:51 07/15/02 Mon

Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- sp99, 08:03:45 07/15/02 Mon