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growing (uncomfortable)
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Date Posted: 08:06:20 08/26/07 Sun
Please, bear with me I talk too much.
I had my third abortion 15 days ago. I am posting this message because I am changing and need help navigating these uncharted territories.
Bulletin: I am 21 days shy of 30 years of age.
For the past decade, I thought: at this stage in my life, if I were to become pregnant, I would definitely have the baby.
I came to this conclusion ten years ago. When I was a 19-year-old-college student and found out I was pregnant, abortion was the obvious choice for me. Complete and utter ignorance as well as a lack of responsibility resulted in an immediate pregnancy six months later. I felt no guilt about either, just remorse and a strong sense of responsibility. I vowed to never be in the unwanted pregnancy position again.
For the past ten years, I practiced the safest sex possible, next to celibacy, for several reasons:
1)Because of my own childhood, I have always wanted to bring a child into the world under the best conditions possible; parents deeply committed to family (including each other); spiritual, emotional and financial stability
2)I did not care to alter my lifestyle and career for a child and
3)I never wanted to have an abortion again because I felt it was wrong.
Midway into my 20's, submerged in my career, I realized just how important family and living out your life's passion was to me.
Last year, I finally worked up the courage to make a career change and pursue my dreams. I was fired.
To date, I have been unemployed for over a year.
I made huge life changes and sacrifices, including buying a more economical car and moving in with my mother (whom I currently live with, Yuck!). It's been tough but I believe in the reward.
While, deciding to make these changes, I was in an emotionally unsupported relationship. Needless to say, it ended.
Earlier this year, I began dating, the beautiful man, an acquaintance of seven years and friend of three, I intend to spend the rest of my life with. We began making plans for our life together. He left his job in which he traveled 90% out of the month to move closer to our future.
Shortly thereafter, I learned I was pregnant.
I didn't miss a beat... I immediately thought... Abortion.
How surprising! Seriously. "But I want to have children", I thought. With him! "Why, then, is my first thought, abortion?"
I talked it over with my boyfriend and learned he was adamantly against abortion. He considered it amoral.
This was not our first conversation about abortion. He knew about my abortions in the past and my desire for a family. We had also discussed my actions in the event a pregnancy occurred between us. Naturally, I would have the baby. After all, we were starting a life and a family together.
He was hurt by my decision to abort and viewed it as weak and an obvious display of my distrust in him. What?!
Later conversations with trusted friends allowed him to open his mind to this choice as one which was uniquely mine and was not a reflection of him or our relationship.
I know that this is hard for him and that he has emotional issues related to this abortion that are difficult for him to understand or control. I knew that he, unlike me, might never get pass this decision. And I knew that the survival of our relationship might hinge on my decision.
I gave it four weeks before committing to the abortion.
Ultimately, I concluded it was the best decision for me, considering my financial state.
Afterwards, I knew what to expect from my body but was caught off guard by my emotions.
I am a mess.
I feel like a horrible person who doesn't deserve any goodness in my life. My boyfriend is so affected he is unable to be his usually affectionate self with me because he admittedly doesn't feel "as in love with me". And, one of my closest friends called to give me the good news; she and her husband are three months pregnant with their second child. I was perfectly jealous! I wish I could go back, not just 15 days but to whenever I started to change my mind about the conditions of accepting the responsibilities of my actions, i.e.: pregnancy yields baby. I cry inconsolably and find it difficult to sleep. Normally, a confident person, I feel insecure and unsure of myself, especially with regard to my relationship.
How does a relationship survive this? Is there anything I can do? Should I just give him time to heal?
I am scared things won't get better?
I feel as though, I lack faith.
I know this may sound trivial to people saying they miss their babies and I hope I don't offend anyone. But I don't think of their birthdays or their eyes. I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way because I know I made the best decision for us. Us, the family that we will have.
Why, then, do I feel so guilty? How do I find peace with my decision and hope for my future? How do I regain my strength and confidence?
I am so sorry that I have mouthed off uncontrollably but I needed to vent and to others who possibly share my experience. If there is anyone out there who cares to positively respond, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.
Thank you... Growing
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