Author:
Rachelle (High's and Low's)
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Date Posted: 01:20:58 12/19/07 Wed
I have had 2 abortions this year. The first abortion was hard enough to decide, the second? I never thought that i would have to make that decision again...
Deciding to have my first abortion i had to distinguish between my head or my heart. In my heart i knew it wasn't the right thing to do. In my mind I knew that i couldn't financially afford to have a child even though my partner was 100% supportive. we both had decided not to keep it.
After the first abortion my whole life turned. I lost all my confidence, optimism, spirituality, motivation, self esteem, you name it. i fell into a dark hole of depression. i could see my relationship slowly deteriorating. I felt like i had no control over my emotions. I became so erratic and unreasonable. I didn't even know who i was anymore or who i was becoming. My partner would reassure me everyday and support me emotionally and still felt resentment. i started to binge drink. That was the only thing that would make me feel normal. I came out of my shell. i didn't care. but the days i would stop i would become a recluse. I had never felt to insecure in my life. i neglected all of my friends. I told a few of my friends and they were sympathetic towards my situation, but i felt like i was a burden telling them my one problem that was consuming my whole life. so i shut the door on them without reason. I was exhausted emotionally. i had nothing to give to anyone. Some day's i would feel great and see some light at the end of the tunnel. most day's i would feel down. Everything became numb. i felt like i was on auto pilot. Soon after i started to have anxiety attacks. I was so scared. It lasted months. I quit my job and didn't leave the house. I was bed ridden. weeks pass, and i started to feel ok. i had a small feeling of belief that i could start to move forwards. Within that same week of feeling belief, i found out that i was pregnant again...
Why is this happening? what have i done wrong. I'm on the pill and i fall pregnant twice in a year. what's wrong with me? Doctors told me that i am highly fertile. so why didn't they put me on a stronger pill the first time from preventing this happening the second time??
How was i to make a decision the second time while i had been suffering from Post abortion the first.
The decision the second time i couldn't even think about. This time i was to go with my heart. i felt no response. numb... Finance or not, that wasn't going to affect our decision. If i am unhappy, how could i bring a child up in this world? I don't feel love, so how am i going to give love?
we decided to have another abortion..
To have made the decision the first time, i would have never thought that i would have to make that decision again. The time i fell pregnant the second my first would have been born...
I don't feel numb anymore... i don't know what i feel.. Is there hope?
The days when i am up, it's like someone took my memories and it all never happened. The days when i'm down i can't stop crying. when am i going to feel happy again?
Is there anything i can do or read to void the pain?
Will i ever have clarity?
Rachelle
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Re: 2 abortions in 1 year