| Subject: wothlessness |
Author:
sara
| [ Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 17:57:33 05/06/06 Sat
I will start like most of the woman have started. I had an abortion jan32006.
i was 33, which adds to my guilt. what a way to start the new year. my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years didn't want kids but i always had, ever since my first abotion in 1996, something i still haven' gotten over. I told him of the after effects but i suppose he thought i could handle them. he told me we would get married, and plan a family and adopt if we had to. ( i have some femaile issues and that might of been it for me.) I am a strong and resielent gal he says. The first clinic he took me too not even a week after he heard the news was filled with protestors, i found the courage to walk out. He was upset with me and told me to think about what i had done. The next think i remember was going to the emergency room because i was having cramps, Which i found our was normal. The baby was fine. But i wasn't. I knew in order to keep my boyfriend i had to go through with killing my child, benjerman, was his name. I knew it ws a boy. I always thought i could do it be a single mom, cause i knew he was not going to be there for us for long, but i had hope. 3 days later he took me to another clinic a much more personable one. and thanks to a valium my mom gave me, (she didn't even try to talk me out of it) and all the other sedatives they give you, i put my life, benjermans, life, my future happyness into the hands of a man, whom i thought would love me forever because of this sacrife. He stayed around for about a couple more weeks, and then it got ugly. i found him after a party he threw with out me, and i went insane, smashing things, breaking things, and screaming. lost of screaming, He hit me (to protect himself) and then the cops got involved. i am not like that normally, it was the after effects i now it, but they jsut keep coming. i ended up going to jail. not twenty days after the... well you know... I am on medication now, cigerettes, and alchol, but nothing works, we have not seen or spoken to each other since, that was jan 22, 2006. all the charges have been dropped, but i am not well. I hurt and have huge anxeity attacks now that are debilitating. i quit my job, can't leave my house, for fear. fear of everything. I feel less a person, less a woman, less a friend, and everyone thinks i am fine. i am a good actress. but i am scared that this will never go away. i have lost everything and i sleep with a wooden heart that i held in my hand the whole time they were doing the procedure.
Benferman, i am a failure as a mother, as a woman, as a person. This is the first time i have spoken to anyone about this. something has got to give.i am not getting any better. and worry that i never will.
please, a kind word, a harsh word, any kind of word from somebody that can relate. i used to teach children acting, but i can't be around kids, and now even mothers, or suvs with soccer balls attached, TV shows. I am a prisoner now in my own house. alone. and scared that i will never be whole again.
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
] |
|
Feedback: 
Re: wothlessness