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Subject: The Wonder of It All


Author:
Cassie
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Date Posted: 21:00:54 04/02/01 Mon
 Today I've been noticing things. Twice my body has gone into a fear reaction to angry men. {That's my thing!] THEN I noticed that any little thing would set me off and make ME angry. I was pretty growly for awhile and enjoyed it immensely. Then I just enjoyed the body feeling of the fear for awhile, feeling the aliveness of the body and it's responsiveness to the things around it. Appreciating it. Then discerning that angry men really aren't much of a threat to me anymore physically OR mentally. Just being with all this enabled my mind to clear away and suddenly sanity returned and with it a sense of humor and energy to move through the day. When my body seizes like that usually I become rather useless and just sit there and fry in it. This was pretty different. I liked it.

I was reading an entry in my journal written shortly after my second birth in which I had decided that instead of identifying with the AIR in the balloon that burst, I must have identified with the balloon itself. And when it burst, instead of becoming everything, I just fizzled out and fell to the ground, a little raggedy piece of rubber that got swept into the trash and thrown away. I totally forgot the simultaniety of being both. Afterward I realized that in order to fully experience being human I had to experience being ONLY human for that is what the human experience is. The forgetting is supposed to happen. But it's also why it sometimes seems so devastating to land fully in the muck. Suddenly there is ONLY muck and you are ONLY it.

So what I'm noticing here is that for a long while it was absolutely necessary for me to BECOME the muck. I did it well, so well that I have named myself the Queen of Down. I wallowed and bemoaned and endured and made conscious endless cubic yards of the stuff. What an adventure that is!

Then after a loooooonnnnng while discernment happened. Instead of zooming down into the muck I began noticing the programming of my mind that sent me there. I still went there but now I had a bit of perspective around it. Just very recently I spent a day or two gritting my teeth and refusing to fall into it. I SAW the whole event and realized that this pattern was repeating endlessly without apparent change. Somehow taking this stand enabled me to disengage from this pattern and FREEDOM is begining to occur at last.

I speak all this here because I'd love some feedback about how this is for you and, another thing: I am loving seeing the way Being orchestrates all this. I am really getting OFF on this. What a conductor! What a composer! What a player! Being, the whole catastrophe at once. How masterful! My heart is so full today of the wonder of all this.

Love, Cassie
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Re: The Wonder of It AllBen Hursh22:23:23 04/02/01 Mon

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